Someone stole the harnesses at the canine facility last night...
How do you get out of a conversation with the Easter Bunny?
Well. You don’t want to egg him on; he’s a real basket case. Hop out of there.
What do you call a funny motorcycle
Phil is to blame for this one, nothing to do with me.
Everyone laughed when they saw the way my barber styled me...
But I liked my new hardehardo.
My horse has insomnia and keeps everyone awake
I told a joke to a Japanese guy earlier about Sodium and Nickel...
He didn't get it though, so he just said "NaNi?!"
What do you call a Deer with no eyes???
Man seen stealing police car wheels.
The police are working tirelessly to catch him.
For me, the urge to sing “The Lion Sleeps Tonight” is always just a whim away...
...a whim away, a whim away, a whim away, a whim away...
I met with my friend who said he developed a weapon to harness the wind and propel it like a bullet. We took turns firing at a target he had in his yard...
Wanna hear a joke about procrastination?
A platypus walks into a bar owned by a duck.
He finishes his drink and asks for his check.
Duck billed platypus.
Why can't a nose be 12 inches long?
BECAUSE THEN IT WOULD BE A FOOT!
My friend is obsessed with taking blurry pictures of himself while taking a shower.
He has serious selfie steam issues.
What kind of fire leaves a room damp?
Why couldn't the musher get his new puppy's harness on?
He was just a little husky.
Every morning after I wake up, the first thing I do is make my bed.
Tomorrow I’m returning this piece of junk to Ikea.
A furniture store keeps calling me...
All I wanted was one night stand.
There is a mysterious crime spree going on at our local IKEA.
The cops are having a hard time putting the pieces together.
I hate people with no digits on their feet
I am lack-toes intolerant
How do you make holy water?
You boil the hell out of it.
In a field there are 30 wolves and 28 chickens. How many didn’t?
10 wolves didn’t.
(Please tell me you guys got it)
I couldn’t decide how much lettuce to buy, but my wife helped me think through it.
Turns out two heads are better than one.
My friend the comedian normally gets lots of applause after his act, but the last time it was nothing but boos...
He must have been having a bad har day.
My wife told me the kid almost burned the house down
Now i’m really scared of arson
I meant to buy bananas at the store today...
But they totally slipped my mind.
If Frozen Water is Iced Water than what is Frozen ink?
Why do Seagulls fly over the Sea?
Because if the flew over the bay they'd be Bagels
I don't often tell Dad jokes
But when I do, he usually laughs
Well son, if you don't want that girl to ghost you...
You should probably give her a boo-quet of flowers.
Did you hear about the cheese factory that exploded in France?
There was nothing left but de brie
“Hey, dad, did you get a haircut?”
“No, I got them all cut.”
If you have a 6:30 appointment, you can always be late by a couple of minutes.
Because 6:32 is 6:30 too.
Let me summarize 2018 in four words for you:
Two thousand and eighteen.
So... A woman got the first ever wooden breast implants yesterday
it would of been funny if this joke had a punchline wooden tit
Koi fish will always travel in groups of four.
Because while A Koi, B Koi and C Koi will get away,the predators will always go for the D Koi.
What did the pirate say on his 80th birthday?
My friend is getting a new car - a "tangerine" ford focus. Dad drops this one...
Tangerine focus... Isn't that the same as orange concentrate?
Today, I asked this grandpa if he found everything okay when ringing up his groceries
He said, "No, I wasn't looking for everything."
Tried to Dadjoke my four year old, got outsmarted.
This morning my son was about to put on his socks.
I: -wait, are there holes in your socks?
Son: -Yes, of course! Or else i wouldn't be able to get my fot into them. *holds up socks for me to see while extending hole at the top with fingers.
Me: -Hmrp... *sectretly feeling proud.
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