My half brother is 6ft 3inches...

Just imagine if he was a full brother.

πŸ‘︎ 24
πŸ“…︎ Dec 28 2020
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How did the CIA find out that Kim Jong Un poisoned his half brother?

Foreign sick science.

πŸ‘︎ 10
πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Jun 12 2019
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Half brother
πŸ‘︎ 51
πŸ‘€︎ u/Edje123
πŸ“…︎ Aug 16 2018
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My half-brother is 6’5

Jeez, imagine if he were a full brother

πŸ‘︎ 61
πŸ‘€︎ u/Creig1013
πŸ“…︎ Oct 10 2018
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What do you call Count Dracula’s half brother?

Discount Dracula! (A joke submitted by one of my 3rd graders using his spelling word: discount. I have to believe since this was the only one of 10 that made actual sense, there was a dad behind this one! ;)

πŸ‘︎ 10
πŸ‘€︎ u/kiki-cakes
πŸ“…︎ Mar 20 2018
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For my next magic trick, I'm going to saw my fraternity brother in half!


πŸ‘︎ 9
πŸ‘€︎ u/redditurded
πŸ“…︎ Oct 31 2016
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If my brother gets his legs amputated...

Does that make him my half brother?

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ‘€︎ u/boodahbellie
πŸ“…︎ Dec 11 2020
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One day my mother was out and my dad was in charge of me and my brother who is four years older than I am. I was maybe 1 and a half years old and had just recovered from an accident in which my arm had been broken among other injuries.

Someone had given me a little 'tea set' as a get-well gift and it was one of my favorite toys. Daddy was in the living room engrossed in the evening news and my brother was playing nearby in the living room when I brought Daddy a little cup of 'tea', which was just water. After several cups of tea and lots of praise for such yummy tea, my Mom came home. My Dad made her wait in the living room to watch me bring him a cup of tea, because it was 'just the cutest thing!!' My Mom waited, and sure enough, here I come down the hall with a cup of tea for Daddy and she watches him drink it up, then says, 'Did it ever occur to you that the only place that baby can reach to get water is the toilet??'

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ‘€︎ u/hayeshilton
πŸ“…︎ Apr 21 2020
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What time is it?

At home, my brother and I play Xbox on a tv that's held within a cabinet which we open the doors to display the tv.

We were playing FIFA Fottball/Soccer the other day and my dad walked in, and in order to get by he had to close one of the doors. Then as he was leaving, he forgot to open it again, a so we could only see half of the tv.

We asked him to open the door, and instead of opening it, he kept walking and said, I guess it's half time.

πŸ‘︎ 489
πŸ‘€︎ u/legitwantdis
πŸ“…︎ Mar 05 2014
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My wife asked if Ben Folds Five was related to Ben Ten.

I think they're half brothers.

πŸ‘︎ 15
πŸ‘€︎ u/SStyfle
πŸ“…︎ Apr 17 2018
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There once was a man.....

There once was a man who had a job driving a passenger train between two large towns. It could be a very dull job to some, but as the old saying goes, one man's trash is another's gold; he wanted to be a railroad man since he was a boy.

He was a wiz behind the controls of the train, and commanded the 15 car vehicle effortlessly as if he had been born to do the job. He prided himself on the fact that he could bend the rules and speed through curves and grades that made other motormen shiver and back off.

One day however, he wasn't so lucky and came round a bend too fast and derailed his train. He backed off the throttle and braked as much as he could, managing to only have one fatality out of 500 passengers on his train.

Months later there was a trial and he was found guilty of manslaughter in the highest degree, a capital offence in that land, and sentenced to die by electric chair. Punishment came swift, unlike most places, and 3 days after sentencing the former railroader was asked for his last meal.

"I'll have a banana," "Just a single banana?" said the perplexed guard. "The warden will grant you a feast and all you want is that?"

"Just a single banana." he said.

After he downed the fruit, he was strapped into the electric chair an hour later.... The warden hit the switch, lights flickered, and the crackle of electricity could be heard for over a minute...

...but our train jockey instead rose from the chair looking more like he got a stiff massage, rather than be put to death! Well in that nation, the law of the land states that if a man somehow survives being put to death, they must be set free...

...And so it came to pass that our engineer was let go...

And for whatever reason, he got his job back!

So he was back railroading again doing the job that he loved. You'd think he'd have been more cautious with this second chance he'd been given, but you'd also be wrong. Speedy Gonzales with a train license decided to gun his locomotive to hard and send it off the tracks again!

Of course, this time he was tried for the same crime, but at a different time (his was a fair commonwealth and double indemnity was simply unheard of!) So fair was their nation, that the jury came up with the same judgement and punishment. So three days later, when asked for his last meal, the engineer simply said "I'll have 2 bananas..."

Not less than 60 minutes after consuming the last morsel was he strapped into the chair and the switch thrown... And....


... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 31
πŸ‘€︎ u/onmugen
πŸ“…︎ Aug 31 2016
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Lindsay May

My brother was late home yesterday, and he lied about why he was late. My mother found out the real reason he was late from his friend.

Apparantly, he'd gone on the bus with his girlfriend Lindsay May to her house.

When my mother was retelling this story just now, my uncle, who is a dad, just said "I guess he was hoping Lindsay Will."

My brother inhaled half his coke.

πŸ‘︎ 69
πŸ‘€︎ u/koneko394
πŸ“…︎ Sep 07 2013
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I love my dad's humor

My parents are heading up to NY on vacation together. We have a group text that has my parents, my wife and I, my brother and his fiancee, and my sister. All day, half the family has been traveling for either work of vacation, so there have been a lot of texts about when people have boarded their flights or landed at their layovers of destinations. After 2 hours without any texts, here are the latest two texts we all got:

Mom: We got to NY!

Dad: Glad to hear it!

(remember, they're traveling together. Oy)

πŸ‘︎ 12
πŸ‘€︎ u/MattProducer
πŸ“…︎ May 20 2016
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Why did the moron cut his toilet in half?

Because his two half-assed brothers were coming over.

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ‘€︎ u/Castamundo
πŸ“…︎ Dec 06 2015
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My brother is a truck driver in the Philadelphia area and I just got him, am I ready to be a dad?

I texted my brother this morning about a story one of my co-workers was telling, Brother: Cool. I'm super busy today. Will be running around philly. Me: You should probably use your truck instead of running. It's been an hour and a half and he still hasn't responded. I'm feeling quite proud of myself for that one!

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ“…︎ Apr 16 2015
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Many groans were made after this one

My brother bought a half baked pizza to bring home. When he told us, my dad's response was, "Which half is baked?"

πŸ‘︎ 18
πŸ‘€︎ u/mickydd15
πŸ“…︎ Dec 09 2013
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Every time my dad brings a friend to dinner

Whenever my dad brings me and my brother and sister and our friends out for a meal, he always mentions "these 3 get whatever they want but that guy? He's not mine so, if you have maybe a half eaten plate or some meat you dropped on the ground, just bring it to him" Every time.

πŸ‘︎ 18
πŸ‘€︎ u/Vwr32
πŸ“…︎ Sep 24 2013
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Dad got my little brother

Dad: So what'd you do at your cousin's house?

Brother: Umm, we just played video games. Oh, and for lunch I ate half a taco.

Dad: So you ate a ta?

Brother: sighs Yeah, I ate a ta then.

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ‘€︎ u/29gogo
πŸ“…︎ Apr 05 2015
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Caught me off guard while we talking about my brother.

Me: I think [brother] needs to get away from electronics a little bit more.

Dad: He doesn't want to leave electronics. He's building an electronic girlfriend... She's a little short wired though.

[ome and a half second pause]

We both burst out laughing [4]

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ‘€︎ u/Captain_PooPoo
πŸ“…︎ Dec 20 2014
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Accidental Dad joke when my brother graduated.

My brother graduated about 4 or 5 years ago now. When he did he phoned my mum to give her the verdict on his grades. I was asleep at the time and she yelled up the stairs to me to tell me the good news.

> Mum: hey! Tom's graduated with a 2:2!

> Me (half asleep): When did he take up ballet?

It took me a while to figure out why my mum was laughing so hard.

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ‘€︎ u/NejKidd
πŸ“…︎ Jun 27 2014
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Dad had clearly spent all day waiting to drop this one..

Dad: you know how Richard (my brother) is going to do a marathon in Kenya soon?

Me: yeah why?

Dad: I'm going to do a half marathon tommorow and ill finish it faster than him.

Me: no you won't, you smoke and you're unfit.

Dad: it'll be okay. I think they're called snickers now though.

Me: urghh.

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ‘€︎ u/fidderstix
πŸ“…︎ Feb 07 2014
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My half brother is 6’3

Imagine if he was my full brother he would be so tall

πŸ‘︎ 25
πŸ‘€︎ u/Fade_Salvi
πŸ“…︎ Mar 22 2020
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