Oops, they were out of thyme.
I asked the young girl at the register "If I buy this and don't have a better tomorrow can I return it for a refund?"
“Aw, baloney.”
The others are still wearing a t-shirt and pants!
Boy, was my face red!
I had to tell myself to romaine calm
“I couldn’t get them, there wasn’t ‘mush room’ in the trolley. “
She threw things at me
I was looking for flying bison.
He suffers from low shelf esteem.
"Dad, do we have crackers at home?"
"No, we're crackalackin"
And he walks up to the counter and places 1 eggplant and 1 burger on the counter. The woman serving him says I bet you live alone. The man replies I do how could you tell? The woman replies Because you’re an ugly bastard!
the cashier would ask, "Would you like your milk in a bag?"
He would reply, "No thanks, keep it in the carton."
and we were loading the food into my car.
Me: "I'm gonna take out one of the sandwiches for the car."
Pa: "If you're hungry you should probably take one out for yourself too."
Love you, pa.
…when we hit the meat and dairy section he threw both arms out wide, gesturing to the tubed meat, and asked me, "you ever sausage a place?!"
I was grocery shopping with my roommates and one was picking out a dozen eggs.
Friend: "ahh gross. Look at this."
He pulls out his hand from a carton and is covered in egg.
Me: "I guess the chicken does come first."
I had to walk into the next isle to stop laughing.
And my dad, without missing a beat, says, "Because they're going to X-plode."
I was grocery shopping with dad on a busy day, lot's of people in the grocery store. We were in the fruit aisle when my dad called for me out loud, I turned around and saw my dad holding two melons to his chest
"Son, look at my melons" while laughing at his own joke. You could se people smile from the dad joke
"What do they do with the rest of the Mole, anyway?"
So I looked up, saw it, and said "Iceberg! Dead ahead!"
Me: How do they know they were related? Wife: Who? Me: The chickens. It says they were a family!
While talking about what kind of sauce to get for our pasta.
Me: "Do you want to get Prego?" Her: "No I don't think we are ready for kids yet."
My dad literally just came out with this one. Mum and dad have just come back from shopping, and my brother had asked for shaving foam/gel. So mum says "I forgot to get you any mousse." And dad comes out with "She got you a musk ox instead." Groans were definitely heard.
So I happen to be grocery shopping along with my dad in a Target store. Not much to pick up but two of the items we needed were thyme and milk. They happen to be within a few feet of each other in the same cooled location. We both see the thyme first, but I am the one who happens to grab it. I reach for the first one in a long line of cases of thyme and something must have happened where it was too tightly loaded in the spring rack so that when I grabbed the one, the spring shot and about five more flung out, some landing on the floor, some breaking open on the shelves. I see the mess made and, admittedly selfishly, said "Not my problem" and walked over the get the milk (2% organic for context). I grab the milk and walk back over to see my dad picking up the mess. I walk closer. I look at him, he looks at me and he ignites the funny bomb that was rummaging through his brain for the last 20 second waiting for me to arrive:
"Well, now you know how thyme flies."
Was putting them away in the refrigerator, handed one of these to my wife, saying, "You look like you need to take a leek".
Dad:Why are you buying the pizza with sick pepperonis???
Me: Uhhh......?
Dad: Yknow, cause they're uncured.
And they bought a bottle of sriracha sauce. My buddy saw the "made in thailand" thing on the bottle and said "I think the masseuse hypnotized me and made me buy a thai product". To which I replied with "I guess she gave you a subliminal massage".
We were in the checkout line and I asked
"Dad why is there a broom in the cart?" (As we already have one)
To which he replied
"Your mother has to get home somehow."
She just stood there staring at him, so I thought maybe she didn't get the joke. I explained "He's calling you a witch, Mom."
This made my father laugh even harder while my mom glared at me instead.
Me: I forgot where the orange juice is again... Dad: Sounds like you really need to concentrate.
"You know what this is? It's a yesaloupe. AINT NO CANT'S IN THIS HOUSE!"
My dad and I went shopping for pasta noodles. I pointed out a bag to my dad that said "No Yolk"
Without missing a beat my dad says, "Yolks on us!"
I can't wait to be a dad.
Cashier: would you like these [insert specific item] in a bag?
Me: no, we'll just eat them on the way home.
Tonight, it was a sack of potatoes, other times its been flowers or a bag of sugar. Everyone, I've received a polite chuckle and an eye roll from my family.
We're at the grocery store in the produce aisle. My dad turns to me and goes, "Where do they keep the criminal apples?"
"..."
"In the CONduce aisle."
Queue hearty laughing.
my dad said "This is what I call it when we go out as a family", and handed me these
http://i.imgur.com/8DQymtx.jpg
