My wife asked me to put ketchup in the shopping list

Now I can't read anything.

πŸ‘︎ 346
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/sm-aug
πŸ“…︎ Jan 13 2021
🚨︎ report
I went shopping for my son’s back to school clothes. We went over the list when I got back home.

Shirts? Yup. Pants? Yup. Sweatpants? Yup. Nikes? CHECK!

Edit: Grammar

πŸ‘︎ 9
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/WavesNVibrations
πŸ“…︎ Oct 30 2020
🚨︎ report
My wife told me to add ketchup to the shopping list before I go to the store…

I don't know why since now I can't read what it says…

πŸ‘︎ 10
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/honolulu_oahu_mod
πŸ“…︎ Sep 27 2019
🚨︎ report
Got my wife while making the shopping list

Her: So how are we doing with Toilet Paper?

Me: I've been practicing for 30 years, i think i got a good technique going.

πŸ‘︎ 2k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/bnicoletti82
πŸ“…︎ Nov 17 2014
🚨︎ report
Wife put indian bread on the shopping list this week.

For me it was a naan issue

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/ekim065
πŸ“…︎ Mar 10 2018
🚨︎ report
Wife asked me what was on our shopping list imgur.com/4FYMBUv
πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/umrpoolboy
πŸ“…︎ May 20 2017
🚨︎ report
No bread for my sammich. Wife tells me to write it down on the shopping list.

Alrite, but I dont think thats going to help.

http://imgur.com/a/DvSOz

Wife: Ha.... Ha....

πŸ‘︎ 10
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/krakah293
πŸ“…︎ Aug 31 2017
🚨︎ report
The old "make the wife a shopping list" classic.
πŸ‘︎ 58
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Nov 28 2013
🚨︎ report
While we were shopping for the kids' school supplies this year, I read at the list and told my son to look for a one foot tall statue of Julius Caesar.

My wife rolled her eyes and tossed a 12 inch ruler in the cart.

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/GatemouthBrown
πŸ“…︎ Aug 01 2016
🚨︎ report
Achievement get! Dadjoked the gf's shopping list.

(We just found out that we're expecting our first child, which made it all the more urgent for me to begin practicing my craft)

Gf writes up list.

On said list: "Some fruit like bananas."

Me: "So...did you want the strawberry-like bananas, the orange-like bananas, the grape-like bananas-

She rolled her eyes so hard they nearly got away.

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/helreidh
πŸ“…︎ Sep 12 2014
🚨︎ report
A whole *shop*ping list of them
πŸ‘︎ 12
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/NVJayNub
πŸ“…︎ Nov 12 2019
🚨︎ report
We will never run out of puns now!

A giant list of puns

What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.

I would avoid the sushi if I was you. It’s a little fishy.

Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind it’s tearable.

Why did the cookie cry? Because his father was a wafer so long!

I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.

What do you call a belt with a watch on it? A waist of time.

How do you organize an outer space party? You planet.

I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.

Do you know where you can get chicken broth in bulk? The stock market.

I cut my finger chopping cheese, but I think that I may have greater problems.

My cat was just sick on the carpet, I don’t think it’s feline well.

Why did the octopus beat the shark in a fight? Because it was well armed.

How much does a hipster weigh? An instagram.

What did daddy spider say to baby spider? You spend too much time on the web.

Atheism is a non-prophet organisation.

There’s a new type of broom out, it’s sweeping the nation.

What cheese can never be yours? Nacho cheese.

What did the Buffalo say to his little boy when he dropped him off at school? Bison.

Have you ever heard of a music group called Cellophane? They mostly wrap.

Why does Superman gets invited to dinners? Because he is a Supperhero.

How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.

The shovel was a ground breaking invention.

A scarecrow says, "This job isn't for everyone, but hay, it's in my jeans."

A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog stand and says, "Make me one with everything."

Did you hear about the guy who lost the left side of his body? He's alright now.

What do you call a girl with one leg that's shorter than the other? Ilene.

I did a theatrical performance on puns. It was a play on words.

What do you do with a dead chemist? You barium.

I bet the person who created the door knocker won a Nobel prize.

Towels can’t tell jokes. They have a dry sense of humor.

Two birds are sitting on a perch and one says "Do you smell fish?"

Do you know sign language? You should learn it, it’s pretty handy.

What do you call a beautiful pumpkin? GOURDgeous.

Why did one banana spy on the other? Because she was appealing.

What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.

What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.

What do you call a cow with all of its legs? High steaks.

A cross eyed teacher couldn’t control his pupils.

After the accident, the juggler didn’t have the balls to do it.

I used to be afraid of hu

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 20
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/communist_scumbag
πŸ“…︎ Nov 26 2020
🚨︎ report
Where does Santa shop for people on the naughty list?

Kohl’s

πŸ‘︎ 34
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/nate_hawwk
πŸ“…︎ Dec 07 2018
🚨︎ report
Accidental Dad Joke

Story time:

So over the holiday, while visiting my mom, she asked me to run and pick up some groceries she had on her shopping list. So of course, I pack up my kids and we are off to the store. As I am perusing the juice aisle, my daughter squeals, "ELSA!!!!" Sure enough, there was Elsa, on the label of a bottle of apple juice. I thought, "Apple juice is on the list and it will make my daughter happy? Boom getting it!" Fast forward to putting groceries away at my mom's house.

Mom: "Did you get everything on my list?"

Me: "Yes mom."

Mom: as I am handing her the Elsa apple juice "Oh I wanted you to get the frozen apple juice"

Me: my face shifting from a look of irritation to a stupid-cheesy smirk "That IS Frozen apple juice..."

Mom: fighting the urge to smack me while rolling her eyes "OMG."

πŸ‘︎ 6k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Ehrivei
πŸ“…︎ Dec 03 2019
🚨︎ report
Dad's been busy

RETIRED HUSBAND

After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to WalMart. Unfortunately, like most men; I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women - she loves to browse. Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter, from the local WalMart:

Dear Mrs. Harris:

Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion, in our store.

We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to, ban both of you from the store.

Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Harris, are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras:

  1. June 15: He took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people's carts when they weren't looking.

  2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

  3. July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom.

  4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, 'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away'. This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted with a union grievance, causing management to lose time and costing the company money. We don't have a Code 3.

  5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on layaway.

  6. August 14: Moved a, 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

  7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department to which twenty children obliged.

  8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?' EMTs were called.

  9. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.

  10. September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.

  11. October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while, loudly humming the, 'Mission Impossible' theme.

  12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his, 'Madonna Look' using different sizes of funnels.

  13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'

  14. October 22: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed;

'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!'

  1. Took a bo
... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 19
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/specklesinc
πŸ“…︎ Aug 19 2019
🚨︎ report
I'm a jealous boyfriend.

My girlfriend and I were shopping for groceries for my place at whole foods yesterday and she was reading a list of things to buy. In the middle of the list was "Fungi". "Fungi? You mean mushrooms?" I asked. "No, we need fungi. Wait, we don't have to buy it. I have Chinese fungi at my place" she replied. "Hmmm. I don't like that you have a Chinese fungi at your place" "Why?!" "Well, how would YOU like it if I had a Chinese fun girl at my place?"

She laughed out loud. She's a keeper.

πŸ‘︎ 2k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/m_c_a_l_k_h
πŸ“…︎ Jun 25 2015
🚨︎ report
Dad joked the husband today in the grocery store

We were in the meat section of food world, picking up some food for dinner.

I ask, "what's the cheapest meat you can buy?"

He looks up from the grocery list and says, "I don't know?"

"Deer testicles. They're under a buck."

He audibly groaned and was not amused. Needless to say, I think I'll be doing the grocery shopping on my own for a little while.

πŸ‘︎ 125
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/thesmonster
πŸ“…︎ Apr 30 2015
🚨︎ report
My wife told me she sometimes plans for an apocalypse

My wife and I have been watching The Walking Dead lately and while grocery shopping the other night, she said :

"Sometimes I make mental lists in my head on what I would need if there was ever an apocalypse. Is that weird?"

I replied with, "not at all. I have some too. They're my apocalists"

I thought the apocalypse had begun after the way she rolled her eyes at that one.

πŸ‘︎ 51
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/thaonlyscarface
πŸ“…︎ Nov 20 2014
🚨︎ report
My 30 month old daughter is the dad joke master.

On my shopping adventure with her today.

Me: Can I see the shopping list please? Her: Why? Me: So I can see what's on it. Her: It has letters and words on it. Me: .......

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/dobermansteve
πŸ“…︎ Dec 10 2016
🚨︎ report
My wife wanted me to pick up some drier sheets from the store

I was compiling a shopping list for things to pick up from the store when I asked my wife if there was anything she could think of to add.

"I don't know... Dryer sheets?"

"Dryer sheets? The ones on the bed right now seem pretty dry, I don't know how much drier the ones at the store will be..."

Classic.

πŸ‘︎ 36
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/PhillipFaustus
πŸ“…︎ Oct 20 2015
🚨︎ report
The production staff of Car Talk at NPR
  • Accounts Payable Administrator_______________Imelda Czechs

  • Accounts Payable Clerk, Moscow Office__________Dasha Chekhov

  • Air-Quality Monitor _________________________Carmine Dioxide

  • Caffeine Addiction Counselor__________________Bruno Moore

  • Chief Legal Counsel_________________________ Hugh Louis Dewey of Dewey, Cheetham & Howe

  • Cliche Monitor_____________________________Saul Wellingood

  • Clothing Designer__________________________Hugh Jass

  • Credit Counselor___________________________Max Stout

  • Director of Purchasing_______________________Lois Bidder

  • Director of Pavlovian Research________________Isabelle Ringing

  • Divorce Attorney___________________________Carmine Nottyors

  • Dog Trainer_______________________________Don Chase Katz

  • Ebay Specialist____________________________Selma Junkoff

  • Head of Security___________________________Barb Dwyer

  • Global Economics Forecaster_________________Helena Handbasket

  • Marine Biologist___________________________Frieda Wales

  • Father-in-Law Liaison_______________________Royal Payne Diaz

  • Mother-in-Law Liaison______________________Stella Payne Diaz

  • Official Spokesperson_______________________Howie Vasive

  • Restroom Attendants_______________________Trudy Door & Donna Hall

  • Russian Chauffeur__________________________Picov Andropov

  • Scout Leader______________________________Lawson D. Woods

  • Shop Foreman_____________________________Luke Bizzy

  • Staff Intuitionist____________________________Ivan Inkling

  • Used Car Salesman_________________________Alexis Itznot

Full list can be found here: http://www.cartalk.com/content/staff-credits

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/IcedPyro
πŸ“…︎ Jan 20 2016
🚨︎ report
Making the best of senior prom

As I'm sure many of you can remember (or not), senior prom was one of the most exciting events of our pre-real world existence. However, in order to get to the actual event, there were three significant steps that needed to be taken care of:

  1. Sober up enough before actually getting to the venue
  2. Find a date who wasn't even weirder than you were
  3. Rent a tuxedo This last part posed quite a bit of a problem to me, mostly because tuxedos can be very expensive to come by. Luckily enough for me, a local formalwear shop had a great deal going on; they would give you massive discounts and even hefty prizes for referring as many of your friends as possible to their business. Eager as I was to save a few bucks, I proceeded to text everyone in my phone's contact list. Almost every one of them neglected to respond to my pitiful pleas of financial assistance, not wanting to get caught up in this scam that I myself had meandered into. Finally, my token black friend, Malik, unwillingly took my bait. He tentatively responded, asking more about what he could get out of the deal for himself. After much persistence on my part, he finally declined, trying his best to let me down gently. As my poor little heart finally broke completely in two, I decided to alleviate the social tension, replying to him, "Alright man, well, suit yourself."
πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/MinisculePeen
πŸ“…︎ May 06 2015
🚨︎ report
Found myself telling a dad joke earlier today at Target...

My wife, daughter, and I were shopping for gifts for a baby shower and were checking out after getting what we needed. My wife handed the list to the cashier so should could scan the barcode and here is what happened next:

Me: Oh, you scan that so it shows what has been bought?

Wife: Yeah

Me: I didn't know that. Only thing I've ever bought for a shower is an umbrella.

Cashier laughed, wife just rolled her eyes....

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/spqr2001
πŸ“…︎ Jan 12 2014
🚨︎ report
My fiance is watching a lot of 'Say Yes To The Dress'....

Here are a few of my peanut gallery comments to pass the time....

"I'm going to open my own wedding dress store. It's going to be called 'The Tulle Shop'".

"TLC is coming out with a new show that's about buying underwear. It's called 'Say Ja To The Bra'".

"What type of wedding dress did the future wife of the New York Yankee buy? A ball gown."

Indian-themed weddings are also a gold mine because of the "sari" dress. Too many to list here. Stuff along the lines of "I feel sari she has to pick between those two dresses". "She'll be sari if she doesn't pick that dress."....the list goes on and on...

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/TeeItForeward
πŸ“…︎ Mar 22 2015
🚨︎ report
My Wife Asked Me To Put Ketchup On The Shopping List

Now I can't read any of it

πŸ‘︎ 36
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/JamesiePig22
πŸ“…︎ Jan 11 2021
🚨︎ report
My wife asked me to put Ketchup on the shopping list ..

But now I can't read anything.

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Johnny_Two_Timez
πŸ“…︎ Jan 13 2021
🚨︎ report
My wife told me to put ketchup on the shopping list, so I did

Now she's mad at me because we can't read it anymore

πŸ‘︎ 205
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/td941
πŸ“…︎ May 13 2019
🚨︎ report
Before I ducked out to the shops, my wife asked me to put ketchup on the shipping list.

Now I can't read it.

πŸ‘︎ 30
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Brucemoose1
πŸ“…︎ Nov 04 2020
🚨︎ report
A giant list of puns from r/copypasta

A giant list of puns

What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.

I would avoid the sushi if I was you. It’s a little fishy.

Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind it’s tearable.

Why did the cookie cry? Because his father was a wafer so long!

I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.

What do you call a belt with a watch on it? A waist of time.

How do you organize an outer space party? You planet.

I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.

Do you know where you can get chicken broth in bulk? The stock market.

I cut my finger chopping cheese, but I think that I may have greater problems.

My cat was just sick on the carpet, I don’t think it’s feline well.

Why did the octopus beat the shark in a fight? Because it was well armed.

How much does a hipster weigh? An instagram.

What did daddy spider say to baby spider? You spend too much time on the web.

Atheism is a non-prophet organisation.

There’s a new type of broom out, it’s sweeping the nation.

What cheese can never be yours? Nacho cheese.

What did the Buffalo say to his little boy when he dropped him off at school? Bison.

Have you ever heard of a music group called Cellophane? They mostly wrap.

Why does Superman gets invited to dinners? Because he is a Supperhero.

How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.

The shovel was a ground breaking invention.

A scarecrow says, "This job isn't for everyone, but hay, it's in my jeans."

A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog stand and says, "Make me one with everything."

Did you hear about the guy who lost the left side of his body? He's alright now.

What do you call a girl with one leg that's shorter than the other? Ilene.

I did a theatrical performance on puns. It was a play on words.

What do you do with a dead chemist? You barium.

I bet the person who created the door knocker won a Nobel prize.

Towels can’t tell jokes. They have a dry sense of humor.

Two birds are sitting on a perch and one says "Do you smell fish?"

Do you know sign language? You should learn it, it’s pretty handy.

What do you call a beautiful pumpkin? GOURDgeous.

Why did one banana spy on the other? Because she was appealing.

What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.

What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.

What do you call a cow with all of its legs? High steaks.

A cross eyed teacher couldn’t control his pupils.

After the accident, the juggler didn’t have the balls to do it.

I used to be afraid of hu

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Nov 26 2020
🚨︎ report

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.