Biblical Puns

I'm performing a comedy and I have an improv bit where I call someone a goofy name. It needs to be a pun on something in Judeo-Christian cannon, bonus points if it's about the angel michael. I.e. Michael Sword-an or Joan of Snark... something like that. Yall got suggestions???

Yesterday I was robbed by Moses

Noah fence

Adam Driver

...what a little Noah doll.

Jermeow

The Bible says they were of one Accord.

Cain didn’t kill his brother Abel until after he had killed their other two brothers, Edward and William Nigel. To be fair, they practically volunteered to be killed; after all, they were Eddy, Will N., and Abel.

My sister-in-law posted on her Facebooks, “What time does church start on Christmas Eve? Is is 5 or 530? I can never remember.”

I responded,”it sounds like you are suffering from Mass confusion.”

Not sure if she made it in time.

...things were quite Ruthless!

As soon as you step inside, there's 1st, 2nd, and 3rd john right there.

Hebrews

My kids have gotten to saying this a bunch, so now I reply like a dad...

"Oh ya! We went to the same New Year's party once."

"Sure! He makes the best crab dip."

"Big beard? Lousy tipper?"

"The tattoo guy?"

"Biblically."

"Gave him a 5-star Uber review."

"He was the best man at my wedding."

"I think I owe him $20."

"The bouncer at the club!? How do YOU know him?"

"Doesn't he work at the bakery next to PetSmart?"

"I heard he once punched a cop and broke his nose!"

He brews it.

John the Baptist of Biblical fame used to walk through the desert in his bare feet. This left his feet tough, which is understandable- the hot sand and rough terrain would leave anyone's feet tough. He was known to receive signs from God and occasionally perform mystical feats. He subsisted on a diet of locusts and honey. Without access to dental hygiene at the time, this left him with somewhat bad breath. It also left him frail, as the diet wasn't varied and would have required an immense intake of food to be remotely sustained.

I guess that you could say that he was a super-callused fragile mystic plagued with halitosis.

Noah fence.