My great uncle died from drinking furniture polish

It was a slow death, but a beautiful finish.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/towntown1337
πŸ“…︎ Oct 01 2020
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Joke from my great uncle: You know that movie "Constipation" that was supposed to come out this year?

It didn't.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Facist_Potato
πŸ“…︎ Nov 30 2020
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My great uncle died making butter on his farm last week.

It was a really unfortunate churn of events.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Trailsend85
πŸ“…︎ Feb 02 2020
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My Great Uncle's Final Words

My great uncle just passed on Sunday. The family had known for a few days it was near the end. His family gathered around him on his death bed, with some flying in from other states to say their goodbyes.

"Dad," says his daughter, "[Grandson] flew in from San Francisco just to see you."

My great uncle woke up for moment and said, "Boy, his arms must be tired."

Those were his last words.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/_Composer
πŸ“…︎ Dec 20 2018
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Did I ever tell you about my great-uncle Albert?

He wasn’t feeling well so he went to his homeopathic doctor... they completely covered his back with lard and after that he went downhill pretty fast.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/blackhawk_pilot
πŸ“…︎ Mar 13 2019
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As an American army private during WWII, how did my great-uncle fight in the Battle of the Bulge...

Ardently

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Freklred
πŸ“…︎ Jan 27 2018
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My great uncles Vern's finest moment

I think my parents have told this story about 100 times now and it never gets old.

My dad's uncle Vern was out at dinner with my family and when the food came out the Waitress held a pepper grinder over Vern's food and asked if he would like some fresh ground pepper. He said sure, then reached over to the middle of the table, grabbed the pepper, and proceeded to use that pepper on his food as the waitress watched in total confusion still holding out the pepper grinder.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/dinglehump
πŸ“…︎ Dec 06 2013
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My great uncle just dadjoked me with this email.

I have been in many places, but I've never been in Kahoots. Apparently, you

can't go alone. You have to be in Kahoots with someone.

I've also never been in Cognito. I hear no one recognizes you there.

I have, however, been in Sane. They don't have an airport; you have to be

driven there. I have made several trips there, thanks to my children, friends,

family and work.

I would like to go to Conclusions, but you have to jump, and I'm not too much

on physical activity anymore.

I have also been in Doubt. That is a sad place to go, and I try not to visit

there too often. I've been in Flexible, but only when it was very important to

stand firm.

Sometimes I'm in Capable, and I go there more often as I'm getting older.

One of my favorite places to be is in Suspense! It really gets the adrenalin

flowing and pumps up the old heart!

At my age I need all the stimuli I can get!

I may have been in Continent, but I don't remember what country I was in. It's

an age thing. They tell me it is very wet and damp there.

PLEASE DO YOUR PART! LOVE EACH OTHER! YEP!

My job is done! Life is too short for negative drama and petty

things. So laugh insanely, love truly and forgive quickly!

From one unstable person to another. I hope everyone is happy in your head -

we're all doing pretty well in mine!

Just kidding. All my travel plans are to doctors and the bathroom.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/dantheman757
πŸ“…︎ Dec 06 2014
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While staying with my great aunt and uncle

So as my great aunt and uncle are showing me and my girlfriend around their neighbourhood.

"and to the right, we have the dead centre of Croydon" as we pass a crematorium. He's a great dad

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Kippos21
πŸ“…︎ Dec 03 2014
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My great-uncle told this joke upon meeting my girlfriend, Alexis.

Great-Uncle Jimmy: I bet I know why your father named you Alexis. Alexis: Why's that? Jimmy: Because that's what he would have had if he hadn't had a daughter.

I laughed way too hard. Alexis was offended and mad at me for what was probably much more than a fair amount of time.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/HereComesEvan
πŸ“…︎ Dec 07 2013
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My little cousin got a plush pig for Xmas, great uncle couldn't resist

great uncle: you know what they use pig skins for?

silence...

great uncle: oh c'mon, dyou know what they use pig skins for? (looking around the room at this point)

my dad: making footballs?

great uncle: no! holding pigs together! (Proceeds to laugh hysterically)

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πŸ‘€︎ u/BohemianPatsody
πŸ“…︎ Dec 26 2013
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My father was born as a conjoined twin, but the doctors managed to separate them at birth.

So I have an uncle, once removed.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Nov 26 2020
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My brother told me this one ;-;

My great uncle died the other night. He lost too much blood and the doctors couldn't find a donor because they didn't know his blood type. However, the whole time, my great uncle was cheering them on saying, "Be Positive!"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/notelonmusk__
πŸ“…︎ Oct 30 2020
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If the stork is the bird of birth, what's the bird of birth control?

A swallow.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/nikkobe
πŸ“…︎ Jun 12 2017
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124 dad jokes that will make you laugh and cringe

Dad, did you get a haircut? No I got them all cut.

What do you call a Mexican who has lost his car? Carlos.

Dad, can you put my shoes on? No, I don’t think they’ll fit me.

Can I watch the TV? Dad: Yes, but don’t turn it on.

I would avoid the sushi if I was you. It’s a little fishy.

What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.

You know, people say they pick their nose, but I feel like I was just born with mine.

β€œEvery time I hurt myself, even to this day, my dad says, β€˜The good news is..it’ll feel better when it quits hurting.'”

What’s brown and sticky? A stick.

Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind it’s tearable.

Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon? Great food, no atmosphere.

β€œI’ll call you later!”- β€œPlease don’t do that. I’ve always asked you to call me Dad!”

Q: Why did the cookie cry? A: Because his father was a wafer so long!

What did the mountain climber name his son? Cliff.

This graveyard looks overcrowded. People must be dying to get in there.

β€œMy dad literally told me this one last week: β€˜Did you hear about the guy who invented Lifesavers? They say he made a mint.’”

β€œWhenever the cashier at the grocery store asks my dad if he would like the milk in a bag he replies, β€˜No, just leave it in the carton!’”

I got so angry the other day when I couldn’t find my stress ball.

If I had a dime for every book I’ve ever read, I’d say: β€œWow, that’s coincidental.”

I’m not indecisive. Unless you want me to be.

How many apples grow on a tree? All of them.

How does a penguin build it’s house? Igloos it together.

β€œMe: β€˜Dad, make me a sandwich!’ Dad: β€˜Poof, You’re a sandwich!’”

β€œI heard there was a new store called Moderation. They have everything there

A steak pun is a rare medium well done.

β€œHow can you tell if a ant is a boy or a girl? They’re all girls, otherwise they’d be uncles.”

Milk is also the fastest liquid on earth – its pasteurized before you even see it

β€œWhat’s Forrest Gump’s password? 1forrest1”

The only thing worse than having diarrhea is having to spell it.

I asked my friend to help me with a math problem. He said: β€œDon’t worry; this is a piece of cake.” I said: β€œNo, it’s a math problem.”

I keep trying to lose weight, but it keeps finding me.

I don’t play soccer because I enjoy the sport. I’m just doing it for kicks.

Did I tell you the time I fell in love during a backflip? I was heels over head.

I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.

Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees?

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/weeb123xD
πŸ“…︎ May 19 2019
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Most Sundays I declare, "I'm taking a stand, we are eating Chick-fil-a today or nothing at all!"
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πŸ‘€︎ u/patrickleddin
πŸ“…︎ Dec 13 2017
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With great flour

Comes great riceponsibility -Uncle Ben

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Anthonybrose
πŸ“…︎ May 02 2019
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After my niece was born...

Me: Dad, you're a great-uncle!

Dad: I've always thought so.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/dirty_graveled
πŸ“…︎ Sep 13 2013
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Some of the best from my family

At a wedding reception where the chocolates on the table were in nice looking package.

  • Dad: Don't throw that way; I'll take them home.
  • Mom: Great another of one thousand useless items that'll be on a shelf.
  • Dad: Aaaaw, Honey -- I'd never put you on the shelf.

While watching a baseball game:

  • Mom: Are they "boo'ing?" Nobody "boos" anymore.
  • Dad: Hey can I have a blow job?
  • Mom: Shut up.
  • Dad: Booooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!

In regards to meatloaf my mother made:

  • Mom: Sorry the meatloaf isn't that good.
  • Dad: It's Ok. But next time try adding some Alpo.

While eating at relatives' house:

  • Mom: Wow. This is really good! We used to eat like this all the time growing up.
  • Uncle: Really? Where I come from we just call it Hamburger Helper.

In regards to an inappropriately shaped child's toy:

  • Me: Did you buy that at one of those special stores you guys got in San Francisco?
  • Grandfather: What?! Of course not! God no - that's not mine!
  • ...
  • Grandfather: It's too small...

When my brother and I were screwing around instead of helping in the garage:

  • Dad: You know, twice, twice! I thought I got it out quick enough but some must have dribbled back inside.

After listening to a 3 minute voice mail from my mother:

  • Me: What did she want?
  • Dad: You want the long or the short version?
  • Me: Short.
  • Dad: Nothing.
  • Me: Ok long version.
  • Dad: Nothing much.
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πŸ‘€︎ u/that_how_it_be
πŸ“…︎ Apr 16 2014
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Dad-joked by my uncle.

We were celebrating my vegetarian uncle's birthday out at Sweet Tomatoes, which is a salad buffet restaurant. They have other things too, like pastas, breads, and soups.

My uncle settles down at his table, and loudly remarks to my aunt:

Uncle: "You know, this place is great and all..."

Her: "Yeah? What's wrong?"

Uncle: "I don't know. By the time I get all my food together from the buffet line..."

Aunt: "...what?"

Uncle: "My salad gets cold!"

Groans were heard all around.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/halal_hotdogs
πŸ“…︎ Sep 10 2015
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Dad joked by my uncle after Christmas dinner

Uncle: Do you know why a lion never cheats?

Me: Why

Uncle: Because they're bad at it.

Me: Oh, is that so?

Uncle: Yeah, but tigers are great at cheating.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/DrHGScience
πŸ“…︎ Dec 26 2013
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I knew it was a matter of time before my dad made these jokes.

My mom and dad were talking about my great uncle, who has cataracts.

My mom: "He has cataracts but he's working on getting them removed"

Dad: "Well maybe he could find a nice Toyota after he sells those cataracts."

(Cadillacs)

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πŸ‘€︎ u/2_F_Jeff
πŸ“…︎ Oct 18 2014
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Never thought my grandpa would do something like this.

Background: We are at my great aunts house when my uncle comes in with his dog Stretch. We then return home after dinner. Me: Grandpa stretch kinda reminded me of your old dog. Grandpa: That's a stretch.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Snakemaster76
πŸ“…︎ Jan 01 2014
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Today my uncle dad joked so hard

We visited with some of my dad's family we haven't seen in years. We went to Chinese food for lunch then to my Great Grandma's for gifts. We took 2 cars and they arrived slightly later then us. My uncle gets out of the car and says "Hey! You look like this group we had lunch with!" Everyone Was very unimpressed. I was almost crying

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Trentl14
πŸ“…︎ Dec 15 2013
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something said during thanksgiving today

completely random, my great uncle goes and says

"what's the #1 greatest use for cowhide? they use it in wallets, shoes, etc etc, but what is the #1?"

then proceed some guessing, then he finally says, "to keep the cow together!" laughs, stands up, leaves, and of course

groan

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πŸ‘€︎ u/logslogslogs
πŸ“…︎ Nov 29 2013
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