If you become seriously depressed, try drinking a gallon of water just before you go to bed.
That will give you a reason to get out of bed in the morning.
My doctor told me I'm going deaf.
The news was hard for me to hear.
My doctor says that when you die, your pupils are the last thing to go.
I always bring an extra pair of underwear when I go golfing
Just incase I get a hole in one.
No matter where I go, I like to bring my ukulele, then, whenever someone asks if I play an instrument, I say...
“I play a little guitar!"
Why did the Walrus go to the tupperware party?
He was looking for a tight seal.
Going out on a limb here hoping this is not a repost
I told my daughter, "Go to bed, the cows are sleeping in the field." She said, "What's that got to do with anything?"
I said "That means it's pasture bedtime."
Why don't some couples go to the gym?
Because some relationships don't work out.
Why won't swords go obsolete?
They are cutting edge technology.
Why won’t triangles go on dates with circles?
Whst is 3/7 chicken, 2/3 cat and 2/4 goat ?
I was going to tell you a time traveling joke
Next time you go to the eye doctor say its nice to see you again
I'm going to start a yacht building business in my attic
Sails should go through the roof
Where do the keys on a keyboard go to have a good time
I’m reading a horror story in Braille, something bad is going to happen
I can feel it
Credits- u/Wyzeman3283
What’s the difference between someone going to prison and a guy who has a mobile knife sharpening business?
One gets incarcerated, the other is in-car-serrated
Astronomers got tired watching the moon go around the earth for 24 hours.
They decided to call it a day.
A twist on the Car(go) space meme or whatever that is
A man walks into an open casket funeral and approaches the widow at the front. He asks: "Mind if I say a word?". "No, go ahead" she replies.
"Bargain" the man says.
"Thanks" the woman replies. "That means a great deal."
I’m going to ask my wife if she will be my “valen-tine”!!!
Right before he kicked the bucket, my grandpa said to me:
"Hey, watch how far I can kick this bucket."
I like going out during a full moon...
...but my lycanthropy gives me pause.
I said I was sad to have to go back to work on Monday after a long break. My four year old without missing a beat said...
Daddy, you're sad because it's SADurday.
I was so proud.
When I told my mate I was going deaf, he asked, “what are the symptoms?”
I said, “they’re a yellow cartoon family with Homer, Marge, Bart, Lisa and Maggie”
I am going to tell you a TCP joke
And I am going to keep telling it until you get it.
What's the best time to go to the dentist?
If you ever get the chance to go to India
You have to try their New Delhi
I was going to add a pun here but can't think of any right now
Why did the clock go back four seconds?
Why did the chimney go to the doctor?
I'm just going with the classic spaceheater. It's the best housewarming gift I can think of.
I was going to tell a construction joke
But I’m still working on it
Why do pizza makers go to work everyday?
I was going to post a great incontinence joke...
...but it's already been leaked.
Why did the cheese go to jail?
He was exhibiting bad brie-havior
Why do managers never go bowling with their employees?
Because they are afraid of them striking
Police officer, "So where did the hacker go?"
Me, "I have no idea. He just ransomwere."
Why did the cheese go to the gym?
It wanted to get shredded.
Why did the Dalai Lama go to the casino?
My doctor told me I'm going deaf
The news was very hard to hear
My doctor said that when you die, your pupils are the last thing to go....
I was going to tell a time traveling joke
But you guys didn't like it.
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