Gladly Puns

What do you call a boomerang that doesn't come back?

A stick.

Every one reading this is on the same page.

Edit: Thanks guys. This is way too much love.

... just remember next year is 2022.

...he even laughs sometimes

After all, it’s twenty twenty too

Lol

He handed in his too weak notice yesterday.

If it had died in hot, it would have been hell!

...it’s become real handy

He pasta way. We cannoli do so much. Theres nutelling what can happen next... His legacy will become a pizza history. Here today, gone tomato. I can only espress-so much grief, but lettuce romaine calm. How sad that he ran out of thyme. Ashes to ashes, crust to crust. There's just not mushroom left for italian chefs in this world... Sending olive my prayers to his family. His wife is really upset, cheese still not over it... You never sausage a tragic thing. Its such a shame good people die fusilli reasons. It was a farfalle from grace... My condolences for Roberto, who died in the spaghetto. May he rest in yeast🙏🏻❤️

Wow! Im so glad so many people laughed at this joke, I got so much happy feedback from everyone lol thank u sm for all the rewards and upvotes, my week couldnt get better!😁

She's just purrfect or else it would have been a catastrophe.

It was always just one ting after another.

Edit: Thanks for all the positive reactions to this joke. I’m glad I could make a few of you chuckle today.

But I can Samurais

Meet Patty.

It really made his dais!

That meant the world to me.

He asked about the neutral wire.

I said "don't worry, its just a phase."

I swear this is a true organic dad joke I had tonight. Felt I’d share it with reddit.

My kid came up to me and says “oh no, look dad, it needs a bandaid” as she gently presents her imaginarily injured bouncy ball.

I looked at my kid and said “I don’t think it needs a bandaid, he looks like he’s going to bounce back”

You will smell like ancient Greece

With all of this “car owner virus” going around

You need to let that mango.

They were called ours

But she still won't admit she framed me.

She picked her nose.

It might be farmer Geddon.

I'm glad that's done and dusted

I call him bagdad.

What with all this talk of car-owner virus

(Lettuce, tomato, pickle, onion.)"

God dammit, dad.

The shop owner directs him to a 1,500$ parrot who can sing Christmas carols. The man doesnt believe the store owner and asks him for proof before dropping the 1,500. The store owner locks the doors and escorts the man to the back of the store and tells him “This is a very special parrot, before he sings you must warm him up by holding a lit match 12 inches beneath.” He then takes out a match, lights it and holds it a rulers length beneath the parrot. After a few moments the parrot starts sining “jingle bells” in the tone of Frank Sinatra. Thinking this might be some cheap parlor trick he asks for several more demonstrations.. “Rudolph” “Frosty the Snowman” “Drummer Boy” even “I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus” in the best impersonations he’s ever heard! The man gladly hands over the cash and rushes home to amaze his wife. He holds the match a rulers length and nothing. The wife laughingly says he got ripped off. “ No no honey this works watch” he does it again only holding it half a rulers length this time and still nothing! The wife, laughing hysterically, starts going back upstairs. “NO honey it really works watch!” “Im going to bed, Merry Christmas” says the wife as she turns to head up the stairs. “WAIT Honey, one more time, please!” He pulls out another match, this time holding it three inches under the parrot who then squawks out “CHESTNUTS ROASTING ON AN OPEN FIRE”

...and I got to keep mine.

She's a keeper.

Me: Super easy. It was right next to the potatoes.

I am a branch manager.

They first suspected they had it when no one could smell what he was cooking.

It was just a hunch.

I talked to her about it, turns out I was wrong, and I stand corrected.

I’m really not sure what I was all bent out of shape about.

Now I’m clean

“Ba-dumm-Tsss”

It's pretty handy

That everyone reading this is on the same page.