I would love to get paid to sleep.
If you have ever get locked out of your house, talk to your lock calmly
Because communication is key
Edit: it's from here, so please give the op credit
What do you call a line of men waiting to get haircuts?
My buddy keeps asking me to blow cool air on him when he gets hot, and I don’t like it.
An anteater walks into a bar and the bartender asks, "Can I get you a drink?" "Nooooooooooooooooooooo!" "How about something to eat?" "Nooooooooooooooooooooo!" "What about some peanuts?" "Nooooooooooooooooooooo!"
Frazzled, the bartender cries, "What's with the long no's!?"
I asked my wife to rate my listening skills and she said, “You’re an 8 on a scale of 10." But what I still don’t get is why...
She wanted me to urinate on a skeleton.
How can I get someone to hang out with me, laugh at each other’s jokes, and maybe share some fun platonic experiences together throughout our lives?
My son asked, "Dad, every time I talk to girls, I get butterflies in my stomach! What should I do?!" I gently put my arm around him and replied, "That's easy son..."
"Stop eating caterpillars!"
I have only two new years resolutions this year. One: get back to the weight I was before the accident.
Two: stop referring to last year's junk food binge as 'the accident'
Why do police get to riots early?
How did you get to Tehran so fast?
I'm starting to get sick of driving on icy roads.
Up until now I was willing to let it slide.
I went to the paint store to get thinner
So last night my boyfriend left the bedroom door open to get more heat in the room because there are more heating vents in the hallway than in the bedroom. I said, "You might say it's eVENTful." He didn't laugh. So then I said, "You'll laugh eVENTually."
Not to get all political in this sub, but...
Did you guys know that the guy who was recently pepper sprayed by Portland's mayor is a big dairy heir?
Where is the best place to get shot?
Two drunk guys were about to get into a brawl. One of the guys grabs a stick and draws a line in the dirt and says "If you cross this line, I'll hit you in the face".
From my niece: What's the chicken's favorite place to get coffee?
How do you get a farm girl to marry you?
The earliest memory I have is going to the doctor with my dad to get my eyes checked.
Things before that is a blur.
How much does it cost to get your ears pierced in Tampa Bay?
A Buccaneer
Good win for them tonight.
I got a fake medical ID made to get the COVID vaccine, but I was rejected
I was having problems with the printer at work last week and I had to ring the engineer. I told him that I kept putting paper in to the printer but the display kept saying it just can't get enough...
The engineer said "ah yes.... it's stuck in Depeche Mode"....
Where do you go to get books that aren't true?
What do you get when Sam Malone from 'Cheers' goes to the club?
Do unfit parents have to exercise a lot to get their children back?
I decided not to get rid of my tumor anymore
I dont know why, i guess it just grew on me
Why did the pilot get sent to his room
My wife said she wanted to try and get rid of her love handles...
I said she'll look stupid without any ears 👂
Why do mushrooms always get invited to parties?
Because they’re all fungi’s
My bodybuilder friend decided to quit the gym and get into seminary school instead.
Either way, he is cross training.
At first I wasn't going to get a brain transplant,
but then I changed my mind.
How do you get a squirrel to like you ?
Saw an old man jumping around and waving his arms to get his neighbor’s attention.
He must’ve been at deaf’s door.
We need to be very careful about collapsing Wall Street so we don’t get crushed by Roof Street
Posted on shower thoughts first, they told me to bring it here. I should have thought of that first. Anyways here ya go.
I ran out of toilet paper last week and can't afford to buy more till I get paid next week, so I started using the newspapers. Now the realisation has kicked in......
......... The Times are really Rough!!!
How many tickles does it take to get an octopus to laugh?
Tomorrow, I get to meet Phil Collins
I’ve been waiting for this moment all my life
No matter what shampoo I use, I can’t seem to get rid of my dandruff.
It’s a real head scratcher.
Which spice will get a mother busted for trying to buy booze underage?
I went to the shooting range for the first time, but I couldn’t get my gun to fire
I had to read the trouble shooting section in the manual
They say if you want to be a successful prospector, you shouldn't get a major in geology.
You should get a miner instead.
The only thing I have planned for today is to get my new glasses.
Then I'll see what happens.
Don’t know how to properly share with this but I have included the name of the original, most people didn’t get it(third line)
How does a snowman get to work?
I was starting to get worried about my Karma points on Reddit...
But getting over it was a piece of cake.
After a few uses, I decided to get rid of my vacuum.
Why do police get to riots early?
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