Do you know how to get a farm girl to like you?
I failed to get elected as a union leader but you know there's this old saying...
Union some you lose some.
You know sometimes I get the sudden urge to run around naked.
But then I just drink some Windex. It keeps me from streaking.
I told my wife I was going to accompany her to get her Covid Vaccine, and see if they could do mine as well. She said they probably wouldn't. I replied, "I don't know..."
Did you know that all Danish Boy Scouts have to get a tattoo?
Don’t know how to properly share with this but I have included the name of the original, most people didn’t get it(third line)
Hippie gets 3 months late on rent...So the landlord knocks on his door to let him know he’s being evicted
He opens the door and tells him “Namaste”.
This has been a crazy year. After everything that has happened though do you want to know the one thing that I can’t get over ?
My friend knows just who he can trust in the seedy part of town to get him safe candy and sweets...
I made up a joke so get ready to hate on me. Trump (I know it's topical).... Trump was nervous during the election and was asked "hey, do you want some spiced tea"?
As a single dad money can be tight. But even when I’m on a date and I know I’m not attracted to her, I still like to get the door for her and let her walk through. It makes her feel appreciated.
And it makes it easier to slam the door and run so I don’t have to pay for dinner.
A woman driving a minivan with 7 hyperactive kids gets pulled over for running a red light. The cop says “Don’t you know when to stop?” The woman says...
You know how only the strongest sperm gets to fertilise the egg?
I guess you could call it survival of the fetus.
Does anyone know how to get stains out of cloth diapers?
We've tried everything, but it remains undie turd.
Do you know what to say to get gold’s attention?
Did you know it's not uncommon to get a boner at a funeral?
It's known as mourning wood
Did you know that if you get really close to a lighter flame…
…it smells like burnt nose hair?
How did the Figure Skater know he was about to get in trouble?
How do you get to know someone?
With ^^^^^^small ^^^^^^talk
Do you want to know what one of the coolest gifts you could ever get someone is?
Gotta know a couple different show references to get this one.
So, I was on the train the other day, and you know how it takes a while to get to the city, well my phone battery was flat and I didn't have a book, so I was a bit bored, but then I realised that there is all this cool graffiti on the tunnel walls... and um... so my phone was dead... and.. the city?
Oh darn it! I lost my train of thought.
I own a rabbit farm, but I want to get rid of them. The thing is, I don’t know how to do it, so I was thinking I should call someone to help me with that. Then I thought to myself:
A magician should do the trick.
When a dad drives past a graveyard: Did you know that's a popular cemetery? Yep, people are just dying to get in there!
Did you know prisoners have to get in line to eat nowadays?
Those are the con-sequences of a life of crime!
So my son comes up to me the other day and says "Dad you know 2 things that never get old?"
Dark humor and anti-vax kids
😔Mom: "I know your brother is overly anxious, but I think the best way out of this is to get busy... Where does he work again ?"
Do you know why nobody wants to be around when clock-makers get to working?
I explained to my son that whatever he tried to get away with, his mommy would know...
Did you know bin men don’t get trained how to do there jobs
They pick it up on the way
Don't know what to say...just get a load of this one.
People who judge others before they get to know them are the worst...
I immediately hate those people as soon as I meet them.
Trying to get to know my new Middle Eastern roommate, he hit me with this one.
I say Middle Eastern cuz I honestly forget if he's Iraqi or Iranian. We were getting to know each other, and I asked him to tell me a fable from his country of origin. It went like this:
Ali: In (the town he grew up in), there is a tower. A very very tall tower, many stories high, with only stairs. And legend says that if you climb all the way to the very top...
(pause)
Me: What happens?
Ali: completely straight face You will get very dizzy.
That was it. I thought it was hilarious.
As a soldier, when I know it's time to leave, I want get moving ASAP, but my commanding officer always says.....
... that we eat first and March 2nd.
I called my wife on the way to work, I said when I get home, I want you to do something freaky to me. You know what she said?
Happy Pi Day, everybody! You know what I like to get in the mail on Pi Day?
You know there's a vegetable which is almost impossible to get stuck in your throat?
Yeah, it's really artichoke.
You know what they say about the melons that aren't able to run off and get married?
I think I know how Marvel is choosing who gets to direct their movies
The Amazing Spider-man was directed by a guy named named Webb.
For The Wolverine, they hired a guy named Mangled (Mangold)
And Guardians of the Galaxy was made by guy named Gunn.
So I am expecting them to announce that Kat Dennings will be directing Black Panther any day now.
My dad wants to know if he should get "this mole" checked out...
He sent me this pic: http://imgur.com/MuXVhX0
For those that don't get it, it's Avogadro's constant, whose value is: 6.022141×10^23. This number represents the number of atoms in one gram of Carbon-12.
Step mom said to me, "You know what really works to get rid of ants?"
Dad chimes in, "A pissed off uncle."
Do you know why there is a fence around a cemetery? People are dying to get in there.
When a dad drives past a graveyard: Did you know that's a popular cemetery? Yep, people are just dying to get in there!
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