It’ll be on paper view.
Unlimited Data
She laughed and said, "No, this is an old-fashioned watch! You have to look at it!"
It's called FezBook.
It was closed for training porpoises.
An Instagator!
Librarian: "Well, that would kinda defeat the purpose, don't you think?"
It was a light roast!
The first guy answers, "That's easy, we'll catch him fast because he only has one eye!"
The policeman says, "Well...uh...that's because the picture I showed is his side profile."
Slightly flustered by this ridiculous response, he flashes the picture for 5 seconds at the second guy and asks him, "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?"
The second guy smiles, flips his hair and says, "Ha! He'd be too easy to catch because he only has one ear!"
The policeman angrily responds, "What's the matter with you two?!!? Of course only one eye and one ear are showing because it's a picture of his side profile! Is that the best answer you can come up with?"
Extremely frustrated at this point, he shows the picture to the third guy and in a very testy voice asks, "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?
He quickly adds, "Think hard before giving me a stupid answer."
The third guy looks at the picture intently for a moment and says, "The suspect wears contact lenses."
The policeman is surprised and speechless because he really doesn't know himself if the suspect wears contacts or not.
"Well, that's an interesting answer. Wait here for a few minutes while I check his file and I'll get back to you on that."
He leaves the room and goes to his office, checks the suspect's file on his computer and comes back with a beaming smile on his face.
"Wow! I can't believe it. It's TRUE! The suspect does, in fact, wear contact lenses. Good work! How were you able to make such an astute observation?"
"That's easy..." the third guy replied. "He can't wear regular glasses because he only has one eye and one ear."
It’s about dads who walk around the house all day turning off lights and muttering that they’re “not made of money.”
The 5 giggity network
Snapchat
She looked at me and replied "your eyesight is damn near perfect."
A cycle path.
"I never got to know my real ladder."
How do the Orcas know how to hunt together?
They must orca-strate it.
Groans from around the room.
That's when I knew that we weren't going to work out.
"Is it to scale?" He asked. "No," I replied. "It's to look at."
It's just like regular tennis but without the racket.
Needless to say, all the seats were already taken.
I’m on season eight. Still not sure what this has to do with security.
But I don't like talking about my checkered past.
I thought it was pretty cleaver.
I said no, I'm pretty sure they're all buildings.
The water break...
Said this during a hike so it was all the more sweeter to hear the only two dad's chuckle.
Solid, liquid and gas
Thank you and come back necks time
It’s a play on words.
He's had a checkered past.
Dad: "Did you keep my two pair of pants?"
Mom: " umm but why two ?"
Dad: in case i get a hole in one
It was a shitshow.
E.T. Bone Home.
Because adding just one more would make it too farty. Straight from my 7 year old daughter.
Edit: Thank you so much for the awards and upvotes. I showed my daughter how many people saw and appreciated her humor and she's extatic. I know she probably didn't come up with the joke herself but this was one of the first times she really got me with a good one and I thought I'd share it with some fellow dads and others.
I guess it's worth a shot.
Dad: Pretending to be a dispatcher Yeah, she’s resisting arrest
I was hired
It was a relief
Otherwise, rightovers would be a word.
I just haven’t reddit yet
ESPN
