When I moved into my new igloo my friends threw me a surprise house-warming party.
I'm trying to convince my friend that being a fraudster isn't for him. I went over to his house the other day and he was putting canned meat in envelopes.
Apparently he was sending a bunch of Spam Mail.
A friend invited me to his house for a party
When I arrived, his house was on fire. Damn, the party must be lit.
My friend called me in a panic and shouted, “An evil wizard turned me into a tiny harp! I don’t know what to do!” Frantically, I drove all the way to his house only to find out...
...he’s really a big lyre.
My friend keeps asking me if I’ll help him build a dock behind his lake house, even though I keep telling him “no.”
Honestly, I’m feeling a lot of pier pressure.
My friend used to clean house for a famous singer-guitar player, til he died in 2016. She then became a police investigator...
She dusted for Prince now she's dusting for prints.
I told my friend to build a road from his house to his job
Now he’ll pave the way to success
My daughter tells me that she wants to live in a nice house with her friends when they all have stable jobs.
I said, “Well sweetie, that’s nice, but I just can’t see you and your friends shoveling manure for a living.”
To which she replied, “Oh no? I thought you said that I could be president if I wanted to!”
My friend Richard bought a new house only to rebuild as ugly as he could. All his new neighbors hate him.
My Italian friend always locks himself out of the house...
I was showing my friend my new house and said, “This is the ground floor..”
Him: “What’s upstairs?”
Me: Stairs don’t talk.
My friend boasted that he domesticates cats from Africa for a living. I stopped by his work, and he was working with house cats...
My lesbian friends wanted a Full House themed wedding, but the priest refused.
He didn’t want to marry Kate and Ashley.
My friend told me he never disinfects his house, but I don’t trust him.
My friend Adam was telling me how, in addition to marrying a hot super model whose daddy bought the house he lives in and the car he drives just for marrying his daughter, he was also sexing up a hot stewardess. I found it hard to believe...
Because Adams make up everything!
My friend came over to my house for a drink late one night.
"Where's your wife?" he asked.
I said, "Oh, she's gone out to build tennis equipment with Danny."
"Do you really believe that? Danny doesn't even play tennis," he replied.
"Well," I replied. "She said they were going to make a racket."
Went to a friends house and he asks, "You hungry?"
I told him, "No.Im half German and half Irish."
My friend built a new house and started a website...
I had to kick a friend out of my house party.
He was pissing off the front porch
My Amish friend invited me to a house party this weekend!
We're about to get churnt up!
I went over to my friend Micks house
I knocked on the door and his wife answered.
She told me that Mick was in the barn so I went around back to find him.
I opened the door to the barn and to my complete horror, Mick was pole dancing in a leotard on a combine harvestor
Me: What the hell are you doing??
Mick: Well, you know how my wife and I have been having marriage problems. We went to go see a counselor and he said to put some spice back in the relationship i had to do something sexy to a tractor.
Friend’s house got robbed. They were ruthless. The even took the limbo stick.
My friend still refuses to admit his house is in an egyptian river!
My longhaired friend showed up at my house yesterday with the sides of his head shaved and asked if he should keep it...
I told him to give it a few days and mullet over.
My friend invited me to his house to see his new Oriental rug.
Turns out it was a toupee made in China.
I forgot to mention to my dad that my friend Nick had picked me up from the house...
http://i.imgur.com/4KHew8z.png
My friend named his cat Sir Fluffington the Third of the House of Purrsia...
A friend of mine sells supplements for a living and he stopped by the house. My wife answered the door.
I yelled to her to go ahead and vitamin.
My wife's friends are coming over, so she's said, "Don't walk around the house in your underwear."
I guess that gives me an excuse to be naked then.
What do you say when your parents pick you up from your light skinned friend Rachel’s house?
Went to a friend's house and was offered dessert.
They offered me a disclaimer. "The custard tastes good, but the consistency isn't normal"
I responded "Oh, so it's off-pudding?"
Only her father laughed with me
My architect friend made millions by inventing the upside down house.
I went to a friend’s house and noticed her cat had a prosthetic leg
I wanted to ask about it but figured it was a faux paw.
I visited my beaver friends house
Last time I was in my friend's house I took a bath
I just think it fits better in my bathroom
My son like to play hopscotch outside in front of the house with his friends
But in my driveway is where I draw the line!
My friend loves books, so I suggest she makes a house of them to live in
My only question to her was, how many stories would it be?
My friend made a comment about the house I built out of Doritos
He said "Oh, Cool Ranch?"
Me: Umm...this is clearly a Colonial
I went to a friends house party and stumbled onto a cabinet full of jelly....
I guess you could say the party was jam-packed.
My friends threw a house warming party in my new igloo.
My pastor friend refused to participate in a Full House themed lesbian wedding.
He didn’t want to marry Kate and Ashley.
Me: and this is my house My friends: what's upstairs?? Me: stairs don't talk....
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