My two sons 5&8 are playing Minecraft this morning on survival. They are working hard together to build their mansion. I crossed the room in front of the TV to grab my phone as they are balanced high on a wall constructing a roof. My son screams out, β€œDad get out of the way!”

I said, β€œYou’re the ones blocking!”

πŸ‘︎ 16k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Colbosky
πŸ“…︎ Jun 27 2020
🚨︎ report
I was excavating a large hole in my backyard in order to build an underground office. My neighbor wasn't too happy with the noise and wanted to come and see what all the commotion was about.

I told him to just leave me alone. After all, I'm just mining my own business.

πŸ‘︎ 14
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/IAMA_SWEET
πŸ“…︎ Oct 23 2020
🚨︎ report
I was talking to a guy that builds rides in theme parks.

"How do you make the merry-go-round?" I asked him.

He said, "Feed drunk people pizza."

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/TommehBoi
πŸ“…︎ Aug 05 2020
🚨︎ report
I miss Cubs baseball so much that I asked my kid to build me a super realistic Wrigley Field in Minecraft.

She did a great job, because just like the real Wrigley these days, the only seats I could afford had blocked views.

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/CIMMGW
πŸ“…︎ Jun 28 2020
🚨︎ report
During the pandemic, I plan to build a new underground shelter to live in.

It's my new digs.

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Sir_Pluses
πŸ“…︎ Apr 10 2020
🚨︎ report
What's the best ecosystem to build a church in?

A prayer-ie.

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Dec 13 2019
🚨︎ report
My son learned about radioactive decay in chemistry class, he was real excited when he got home and had a million questions. He wanted to build a reactor in the back yard. I told him we couldn’t. β€œWhat, are you not smart enough?”

β€œNo U”

I’ll see myself out.

πŸ‘︎ 182
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Oct 29 2018
🚨︎ report
Why do people in the Arctic build their own tables?

No Ikea!

πŸ‘︎ 18
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Leminotaur45
πŸ“…︎ Aug 01 2019
🚨︎ report
Why doesn't Heinz Doofenshmirtz build inators in men's restrooms?

Because he would be defeated by a gent pee.

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/paPAneta
πŸ“…︎ Jun 21 2019
🚨︎ report
What do they build roads with in Afghanistan?

Kabul-stones of course.

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Feb 07 2019
🚨︎ report
I think churches would be much nicer places to visit if they didn't always build them in graveyards.
πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/thewargingned
πŸ“…︎ Aug 30 2018
🚨︎ report
Tony Stark builds super-advanced tech and dangerous weapons in order to keep the world safe?

They should call him Iron-y Man.

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Shadow_Boxer1987
πŸ“…︎ Apr 13 2018
🚨︎ report
They should build a Santa’s Workshop in North-Poland
πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/skankhunter41
πŸ“…︎ Jun 15 2018
🚨︎ report
Why did they build the Hadron Collider in Switzerland?

They needed to keep the atoms neutral

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Youngblood519
πŸ“…︎ Mar 24 2018
🚨︎ report
If you only have one dock, so you go back in time to build yourself another dock, what do you have?

A paradox.

If you freeze it, then it's paradoxicle

πŸ‘︎ 45
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/witz33
πŸ“…︎ May 24 2016
🚨︎ report
What's the difference between Mordor and the Capital?

One does not simply walk into Mordor

πŸ‘︎ 10k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Jan 09 2021
🚨︎ report
What happened to the men who smashed all the windows in their office building..

They're now facing a glass action lawsuit.

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/AEvans1888
πŸ“…︎ Nov 12 2020
🚨︎ report
Did you hear that they're building a new trampoline park in Beijing?

It's called Xi Jum'ping.

πŸ‘︎ 9
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/dumbwaeguk
πŸ“…︎ Oct 22 2020
🚨︎ report
The female janitor in my building asked if I would smoke some weed with her.

I said no; I can't deal with high maintenance women.

πŸ‘︎ 153
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Indigo_Samurott
πŸ“…︎ Jun 30 2020
🚨︎ report
After the contractor did a poor job installing the moving stairs in our office building my boss threw him down the steps.

That escalated quickly.

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/diceblue
πŸ“…︎ Sep 10 2020
🚨︎ report
For the last two weeks my kids have been building a medieval blanket fort every evening to sleep in. Many nights they also stayed up past their bedtime playing fortnight under its protective cover.

It was a night knight fort for Fortnight for a fortnight.

πŸ‘︎ 16
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/graceful_ox
πŸ“…︎ Aug 11 2020
🚨︎ report
My nan died in a freak bulldozer accident during the building of my new house.

I only wanted one granny flat :(

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/ijbgtrdzaq
πŸ“…︎ Aug 07 2020
🚨︎ report
My uncle died in a building-collapse.

He was very down to earth.

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/nikshay05
πŸ“…︎ Aug 02 2020
🚨︎ report
What is it called when a bunch of people in face coverings leave a building?

Mask exodus

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/jtnels0
πŸ“…︎ Aug 04 2020
🚨︎ report
what do you call a bunch of Mormons in a burning building?

S'mormons

πŸ‘︎ 16
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/JDalrymple25
πŸ“…︎ Jun 03 2020
🚨︎ report
What do you call a person in D.C. that never leaves the first floor of a building?

A lobbyist

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Jul 20 2020
🚨︎ report
I'd just finished building a beautiful house of cards when my wife walked in and destroyed it

It was a massive blow

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/soody765
πŸ“…︎ Jul 23 2020
🚨︎ report
Once I got lost in a building in China

It was Wong on so many levels.

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/timfuzail
πŸ“…︎ Jun 15 2020
🚨︎ report
Dad Tells Time With His Hat

My dad worked in construction for most of his life, and because he worked with his hands, he sacrificed many watches. But if you don't have a watch, how are you to tell time? My dad has a great sense of humor and is always thinking of new ways to do things to make them more practical or thinking of ways to change things to make them work better for him. So after spending way too much money on a heavy duty watch that inevitably broke on him, he came up with a better solution.

He used the working part of a clock and stuck it on the inside rim of his hat, so if he wanted to know what the time was, he just had to look up. Simple. And the way his hat was, you couldn't see the clock when looking at him unless you were underneath him and looking up.

And then came the funny part. Every time he was asked what time it was, he would look up at the sun, scan the horizon, pretend to do a math equation in his head, and tell them the exact time down to the minute. I've witnessed him doing this a few times but never gave it away. The look of surprise and confusion this gave people was priceless.

My dad had done other funny things like this, but this was by far the funniest.

πŸ‘︎ 83
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/fredzred
πŸ“…︎ Aug 23 2020
🚨︎ report
This used to be the oldest building in Idaho

But then they built an older one

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Jul 04 2020
🚨︎ report
Started a new job recently and my fiance asked me if there was a gym in my building...

I said, not sure I haven't met everyone yet. She was not amused.

πŸ‘︎ 7k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Dubya525
πŸ“…︎ Jan 04 2019
🚨︎ report
We will never run out of puns now!

A giant list of puns

What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.

I would avoid the sushi if I was you. It’s a little fishy.

Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind it’s tearable.

Why did the cookie cry? Because his father was a wafer so long!

I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.

What do you call a belt with a watch on it? A waist of time.

How do you organize an outer space party? You planet.

I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.

Do you know where you can get chicken broth in bulk? The stock market.

I cut my finger chopping cheese, but I think that I may have greater problems.

My cat was just sick on the carpet, I don’t think it’s feline well.

Why did the octopus beat the shark in a fight? Because it was well armed.

How much does a hipster weigh? An instagram.

What did daddy spider say to baby spider? You spend too much time on the web.

Atheism is a non-prophet organisation.

There’s a new type of broom out, it’s sweeping the nation.

What cheese can never be yours? Nacho cheese.

What did the Buffalo say to his little boy when he dropped him off at school? Bison.

Have you ever heard of a music group called Cellophane? They mostly wrap.

Why does Superman gets invited to dinners? Because he is a Supperhero.

How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.

The shovel was a ground breaking invention.

A scarecrow says, "This job isn't for everyone, but hay, it's in my jeans."

A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog stand and says, "Make me one with everything."

Did you hear about the guy who lost the left side of his body? He's alright now.

What do you call a girl with one leg that's shorter than the other? Ilene.

I did a theatrical performance on puns. It was a play on words.

What do you do with a dead chemist? You barium.

I bet the person who created the door knocker won a Nobel prize.

Towels can’t tell jokes. They have a dry sense of humor.

Two birds are sitting on a perch and one says "Do you smell fish?"

Do you know sign language? You should learn it, it’s pretty handy.

What do you call a beautiful pumpkin? GOURDgeous.

Why did one banana spy on the other? Because she was appealing.

What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.

What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.

What do you call a cow with all of its legs? High steaks.

A cross eyed teacher couldn’t control his pupils.

After the accident, the juggler didn’t have the balls to do it.

I used to be afraid of hu

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 20
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/communist_scumbag
πŸ“…︎ Nov 26 2020
🚨︎ report
What is the tallest building in the world?

The library, it's got the most stories!

πŸ‘︎ 15
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/SmplFusuz
πŸ“…︎ Mar 06 2020
🚨︎ report
Someone in my apartment building rearranged all the buttons on the elevator.

That was wrong on so many levels.

πŸ‘︎ 25
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/juhaodbrokule
πŸ“…︎ Dec 12 2019
🚨︎ report
You know what they say, if you've seen one big building with plenty of stores in it-

You've seen the mall.

πŸ‘︎ 44
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/ChequeBook
πŸ“…︎ Nov 20 2019
🚨︎ report
Fun day out at the beach

So when I was younger, me and a couple of friends went on a little trip to the beach. We had a lot of fun there swimming around, making a campfire, all that jazz. Some of us wanted to build sandcastles and get em as high as we could so we could pretend we were knights protecting them.

So some kids started running around being annoying and destroying the sand castles and it got to the point where one of my friends got so protective of his castle, he started punching anyone who even got close. You know how kids are, the other ones got closer and were like β€œwe arent even touching it, calm down!” but he wasnt having any of that so he drew a line in the sand and said β€œif you step over this line, i WILL punch you..”

that was the punch line >insert finger guns<

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Truplup
πŸ“…︎ Dec 15 2020
🚨︎ report
I just started a business building yachts in my attic.

Sails are already through the roof.

πŸ‘︎ 35
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/DadJoker1988
πŸ“…︎ Nov 19 2019
🚨︎ report
So I my son started to bark at me

Kept on insisting that I had promised to build him a treehouse but I don't remember evergreening this elm of a contract. Though he kept inisisting I had birch the agreement due to the long delay but my attempt to confern the fertility of the spruce was in roots. Now I have to oak up and face the spruce. My weekend has been soiled and I now have to maple my son's treehouse whilst I willow my day away. Although... Now that I twig about it, having a treehouse in my yard sounds like a pine idea.

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/WisdomThingy
πŸ“…︎ Dec 14 2020
🚨︎ report
I started a boat-building business in my attic ...

Now sails are going through the roof

Source: New York Times Crossword Puzzle, Tuesday Sept 24, 2019, 6 Down

πŸ‘︎ 20
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/some_lerker
πŸ“…︎ Sep 24 2019
🚨︎ report
The library is the tallest building in town

I hear it has thousands of stories

πŸ‘︎ 46
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Spider_Dimwit
πŸ“…︎ Apr 21 2019
🚨︎ report
What do farmers and unfinished buildings have in common?

They both have a lot to grow

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/jojabean
πŸ“…︎ Dec 06 2019
🚨︎ report
I live in an apartment building, and my neighbour, Nami, on the floor above me, managed to flood my entire apartment! There are practically tidal waves in my kitchen. She refuses to pay for the cleanup, too.

I don't know if this was the right choice, but I decided to tsunami.

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/KasenPringle
πŸ“…︎ Oct 29 2019
🚨︎ report
I was confused and lost at college, not knowing which building my classes were in. An Asian woman helped me find my way tho...

I was soon oriented.

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Nov 20 2019
🚨︎ report
The crowd watched in suspense as the man attempted to scale the building whilst eating an apple

They feared he may have bitten off more than he could chew

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/lucaewings27
πŸ“…︎ Nov 03 2019
🚨︎ report
The power went out in my building and when I asked what happened, the maintenance guy said, β€œThe Transformers blew.”

I said, β€œYeah, it was a bad movie, but what’s that got to do with the power?”

πŸ‘︎ 13
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Sep 25 2019
🚨︎ report
What building in New York has the most stories?

The public library.

πŸ‘︎ 33
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/labink
πŸ“…︎ Jul 21 2019
🚨︎ report
Some punk just spray-painted the word β€œwrong” on every floor in the Empire State Building.

That’s wrong on so many levels.

πŸ‘︎ 13
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/FinalCaveat
πŸ“…︎ Jun 29 2019
🚨︎ report
What is the tallest building in the world?

The library. It has the most stories

πŸ‘︎ 311
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Steinemans
πŸ“…︎ Jul 31 2019
🚨︎ report
What is the tallest building in the world?

The library,it's got the most stories

πŸ‘︎ 312
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/johnybou
πŸ“…︎ May 09 2019
🚨︎ report
A giant list of puns from r/copypasta

A giant list of puns

What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.

I would avoid the sushi if I was you. It’s a little fishy.

Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind it’s tearable.

Why did the cookie cry? Because his father was a wafer so long!

I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.

What do you call a belt with a watch on it? A waist of time.

How do you organize an outer space party? You planet.

I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.

Do you know where you can get chicken broth in bulk? The stock market.

I cut my finger chopping cheese, but I think that I may have greater problems.

My cat was just sick on the carpet, I don’t think it’s feline well.

Why did the octopus beat the shark in a fight? Because it was well armed.

How much does a hipster weigh? An instagram.

What did daddy spider say to baby spider? You spend too much time on the web.

Atheism is a non-prophet organisation.

There’s a new type of broom out, it’s sweeping the nation.

What cheese can never be yours? Nacho cheese.

What did the Buffalo say to his little boy when he dropped him off at school? Bison.

Have you ever heard of a music group called Cellophane? They mostly wrap.

Why does Superman gets invited to dinners? Because he is a Supperhero.

How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.

The shovel was a ground breaking invention.

A scarecrow says, "This job isn't for everyone, but hay, it's in my jeans."

A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog stand and says, "Make me one with everything."

Did you hear about the guy who lost the left side of his body? He's alright now.

What do you call a girl with one leg that's shorter than the other? Ilene.

I did a theatrical performance on puns. It was a play on words.

What do you do with a dead chemist? You barium.

I bet the person who created the door knocker won a Nobel prize.

Towels can’t tell jokes. They have a dry sense of humor.

Two birds are sitting on a perch and one says "Do you smell fish?"

Do you know sign language? You should learn it, it’s pretty handy.

What do you call a beautiful pumpkin? GOURDgeous.

Why did one banana spy on the other? Because she was appealing.

What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.

What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.

What do you call a cow with all of its legs? High steaks.

A cross eyed teacher couldn’t control his pupils.

After the accident, the juggler didn’t have the balls to do it.

I used to be afraid of hu

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Nov 26 2020
🚨︎ report
I started a business building Yachts in my attic

Sails are through the roof.

πŸ‘︎ 699
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/mallander
πŸ“…︎ Nov 17 2018
🚨︎ report
I started a successful enterprise building yachts in my attic

Sales are through the roof

πŸ‘︎ 54
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Jthornborrow21
πŸ“…︎ Sep 11 2019
🚨︎ report
I started a business building yachts in my attic.

Sails are through the roof.

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/cotswoldboy
πŸ“…︎ Nov 19 2019
🚨︎ report
What is the tallest building in the world?

The library – it’s got the most stories!

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/notdadbot
πŸ“…︎ Nov 12 2019
🚨︎ report

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