She's an aponeurosis.
They said, "This is a robbery," and everybody relaxed a little.
I was scared sheetless.
Since when is getting a headache at the airport such a big deal?
It was a clam-ity.
I was having amid-wife crisis. Nine months later, she suddenly went into labor. I frantically tried to find someone to come to our home and deliver the baby. It was midwife crisis.
The think it’ll have a microchimp.
I think I have PTSB
They sure are good at lifting spirits.
I said: “No it doesn’t.”
Doctors describe his condition as stable.
I didn’t have time to figure it out though, I was busy trying to find my lost dog “Shark”.
Everyone: Hygiene!!!
Save them to your Phone and always have witty jokes at the palm of your hand.
3.14 percent of sailors are pi-rates.
5/4 of people admit they’re bad at fractions.
A bartender broke up with her boyfriend, but he kept asking her for another shot.
A brain walks into a bar and takes a seat. “I’d like some wings and a pint of beer, please,” it says. “Sorry, but I can’t serve you,” the bartender replies. “You’re out of your head.”
A cheeseburger walks into a bar. The bartender says, 'Sorry, we don't serve food here.'
A college education now costs $100,000, but it produces three very proud people: the student, his mama, and his pauper.
A couple of cups of yogurt walk into a country club. “We don’t serve your kind here,” the bartender says. “Why not?” one yogurt asks. “We’re cultured.”
A friend of mine didn’t pay his exorcist. He got repossessed.
A friend of mine is known for sweeping girls off their feet. He’s an extremely aggressive janitor.
A guy walks into a bar, and there’s a horse serving drinks. The horse asks, “What are you staring at? Haven’t you ever seen a horse tending bar before?” The guy says, “It’s not that. I just never thought the parrot would sell the place.”
A guy walks into a bar...and he was disqualified from the limbo contest.
A pirate walks into a bar with a paper towel on his head. The bartender says, “What’s with the paper towel?” The pirate says, “Arrr! I’ve got a Bounty on me head!”
A turtle is crossing the road when he’s mugged by two snails. When the police ask him what happened, the shaken turtle replies, “I don’t know. It all happened so fast.”
Armed robbers—some say they’re a drain on society, but you’ve got to give it to them.
Barbers…you have to take your hat off to them.
Can February March? No, but April May!
Cooking out this weekend? Don’t forget the pickle. It’s kind of a big dill.
Dad, can you put my shoes on? No, I don't think they'll fit me.
Dad, can you put the cat out? I didn't know it was on fire.
Dad, did you get a haircut? No, I got them all cut!
Dad: Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? Son: No. What happened? Dad: The teacher woke him up.
Daughter: I have a lot of friends named Nathan. There’s Nathan Miller, Nathan Radcliff, Nathan Lewis… Me: When they are together, do you call them the United Nathans?
Dear Math, grow up and solve your own problems.
Did I tell you the time I fell in love during a backflip? I was heels over head!
Did you hear about the aquatic sea mammals that escape
... keep reading on reddit ➡Needless to say, there were some very intense intents in tents.
Now I’m two hours late and I don’t even like Jim Carey
He won the election with a landslide victory.
Pulled pork
I wasn’t putting in enough shifts
"That's slander, man."
As they are enjoying their drinks a couple of tough guys walk up and try to pick a fight with autobahn because of his accent. Bike lane steps out from behind freeway and fixes them with an icy glare. They apologize and leave the bar. Freeway whispers to the barman, “What was that all about?”
“Don’t you know?” Replies the barman, “He’s a freaking cycle path!”
The father breaks his neck and dies, leaving his son to mourn for days. However, one night, the boy wakes up to see an apparition of his father before him. All at once, he breaks down crying, and screams out, "I'm sorry!"
His father responds, "Hi Sorry, I'm dead!"
Because what he made was stolen!
Re:LAX
I was trying to cook an egg in the microwave because I’m extremely lazy, and it (unsurprisingly) exploded.
So she looks at the exploded egg, looks at me and then says: “ aha, it eggsploded ”
We're having a midwife crisis.
I only wanted one granny flat :(
Doctor says I have carpool tunnel syndrome.
However, Poison IV would just make you really itchy.
He had too many hang-ups.
“Control fr...”
“Now you say, “Control freak who.””
To be fair, the people he was photographing did try to warn him.
To be fair, the people being photographed did try and warn him.
To be fair, the people who were being photographed did try to warn him.
I’ll sleep in until there’s pancakes.
They say it was a freak accident.
I told him to get to the hospital lickety-split.
Let that sink in.
I think it's the novel Coranavirus?
