Me to my daughter in regards to the gyms closing: "Guess I won't be flattening this curve." (As I pat my belly)

She rolled her eyes and sighed.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Batchet
πŸ“…︎ Mar 24 2020
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I thought we're supposed to isolate in order to "flatten the curve,"

but I'm only getting fatter.

-My dad

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Zatosu_
πŸ“…︎ Mar 24 2020
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Dads of reddit I need a joke with "Flatten the curve" in it.

What have you got?

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πŸ‘€︎ u/pizzamike64
πŸ“…︎ Mar 21 2020
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My brother flattens boxes for work

He makes exboxes.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/pndaberrybruh
πŸ“…︎ Oct 19 2019
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With all the stress eating I've been doing during quarantine...

I have been fattening the curve rather than flattening it.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/thiby
πŸ“…︎ Mar 26 2020
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Mum: I accidentally bought an octagonal prism as a dough flattener!

Dad: Just Roll with it.

Kid: Hah. That’s some d-Rye humour!

Dad: What have I Raised...

Kid: The Yeast favourite kid on Reddit.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Lil_Chalk
πŸ“…︎ Aug 04 2018
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I saw two women exercising today.

They were taking a walk but were way too close to each other given the social distancing orders. When I confronted them about the need to keep at least 6 feet apart, one of them looked at me dumbfounded and said, "We're just trying to flatten our curves!"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/jr_flood
πŸ“…︎ Apr 15 2020
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I had a job making Heavy Equipment for Road Building...

but I got laid off. They said the market for Steamrollers was flattening.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/youtellmebob
πŸ“…︎ Jan 13 2020
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What’s the best way to diffuse an altercation at an Indian restaurant?

Naanviolence.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/2friends_12pizzas
πŸ“…︎ Feb 07 2020
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Do you suppose Amish pyromaniacs practice barn razing?

When Amish build barns it's called "barn raising". But raze is also a term to destroy, ruin or flatten.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/SoundTrax
πŸ“…︎ May 30 2019
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I beat a guy up with a rolling pin

I sure did straighten him out.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Wolfcubware
πŸ“…︎ May 30 2019
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This conversation between my (ex)gf.

Long post is long:

Her: Remember dad's tomato bushes? Well they're attacking! At least one is leaning across the path trying to get at my window... We had the war of the roses, now its time for the attack of the tomatoes!

Me: I don't remember anything about tomato bushes. From one battle to the next.

Her: Yep! Lookout tomatoes here comes the chutney recipe!

Me: I can just imagine a cucumber campaign. Operation onion would be next, which will fail, causing everyone to cry. Dill Day follows, a great success for the allied gardeners. All too soon though, the kamikaze carrots set in, utterly ruining the radish raid. The mushroom maneuver is employed, saving the troops, allowing them to deal the final blow in the asparagus assault!

Her: Don't forget the pumpkins want to supply ground cover with heavy support...

Me: Ah yes, the pumpkin paratroopers.

Her: Thyme is running out...

Me: Prepare the beetroot bombs!!!

Her: Aim for Potato Garden!

Me: Fire the capsicum! Deploy the celery team!

Her: Bring in the egg plant division to support the capsicum!

Me: This is it boys, life or dirt! I want a passionfruit unit to find us a vantage point, and the strawberry unit to surround them!

Her: We had better bring the lettuce up to date!

Me: The cabbage are under withering fire, we need support from the raspberry division! The potatoes are mashed, so well need to send the zucchini in their place!

Her: The zucchini can't take that heavy fire, they'll be grated. Send spinach for some extra iron. The sweet potatoes are digging in at the ridge.

Me: Prepare the watermelon bomb, we need to finish this! The eggplant were squashed, deploy the broccoli brigade! The beans need to get out of there, or they'll be split!

Her: Cauliflowers are going in to retrieve the beans. How brave to risk their florets!

The corn commandos are deployed, but the artichokes are all out of heart, we need to boost morale.

Me: The leeks are down! They'll be flattened if we don't do something!

Are the spinach still operational?

Her: Too bad the pepper isn't on our side, they're well seasoned troops.

Spinach is a go!
Nothing has touched it...

Me: But wait! We still have the chillies to give them heavy fire!

Her: And the squashes and peas!

Me: The ginger is holding it's ground, but it's being cut down by the pineapple!

The basil should make things interesting, send them to aid the potatoes.

**Her:

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Zokoro
πŸ“…︎ Apr 02 2017
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As a new dad, I'm off to a great start

Background: Wife and I took our son to his 1 month pediatrician appointment yesterday, where the only minor issue she noted was a slight flattening on the left side of his head because he likes to look one way instead of the other. Hilarity ensued when we got home.

Wife: "If we're not careful, our son is going to have to wear one of those special helmets because he'll have a flat head."

Me: "Then I guess it's a good thing we didn't name him Phillip!"

/cue rimshot

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πŸ“…︎ Jun 21 2014
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My wife's reaction was priceless...

This isn't a typical "dadjoke" post so bear with me... I think you'll appreciate the story.

So my wife and I were breaking down some cardboard boxes in front of our almost-3-year-old son. I put my face into one of the boxes as it was being flattened and said to my son "Oh no! My face is being squished!"

My wife was standing behind me so I couldn't see her reaction to my dadjoke. My son chuckled but my wife said, "Oh no!"

I asked her what was wrong and she said, "I rolled my eyes so hard that my contact [lens] went up in my eye!"

I told her she got what she deserved.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/QuestionMarkyMark
πŸ“…︎ Apr 08 2015
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Baking

I was at a friend's house and we were baking a cake. Friend had poured the batter into the pan and was banging it down on the counter to get it to flatten out.

Me: "You think there's a less noisy way to do that?"

Friend's dad (from the living room): "You making a pound cake?"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Itches
πŸ“…︎ Dec 18 2014
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