What do you call a reptile who makes financially wise decisions?

An INVESTigator!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/bronzeaardvark
πŸ“…︎ Jan 06 2021
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What do you call a financially stable clown?

Pennywise.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/OneTrueGrizzly
πŸ“…︎ Nov 05 2019
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What kind of tree isn’t financially stable?

A burr oak

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πŸ‘€︎ u/BreezyVII
πŸ“…︎ Jun 17 2019
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Fun Fact: Steven King's 'It' is actually the story of a financially-responsible clown.

He's really penny-wise.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/paintedforfilth
πŸ“…︎ Apr 04 2019
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I really want to work and be financially stable

But I guess that if that doesn’t work I’ll just sell the horses

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Ignavo
πŸ“…︎ Feb 05 2019
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What do you call an actor struggling financially?

Johnny Debt

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πŸ‘€︎ u/TommehBoi
πŸ“…︎ Aug 18 2018
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What do you call a financially savvy reptile?

An invest-o-gator

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πŸ“…︎ Nov 01 2017
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Why is the financial meeting never boring?

Because it's funds.

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πŸ“…︎ Apr 18 2021
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My financial advisor wants me to do the whole investor thing.

I bought the vest, any recommendations on a good tour I can take? So I can do my In Vest Tour

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Stampeed13
πŸ“…︎ Mar 04 2021
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The cows on my dairy farm have all decided to form a new financial vehicle made up of a pool of money collected from many cows to invest in securities...

It's a mootual fund.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Nov 28 2020
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Art supplies are a sound financial investment

That’s why it’s called β€œart appreciation”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/HaysStays
πŸ“…︎ Nov 11 2020
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My company's financial policy is a joke.

Now our budget's cracking up.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/DesertWolf45
πŸ“…︎ Aug 17 2020
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Did you hear Henry Winkler was arrested for a financial scam?

He was running a "Fonzi Scheme."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/GetEquipped
πŸ“…︎ Jul 02 2020
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What did the Lawyer say after having a tough financial year?

My income is low-er and this maybe my career's financy low-year.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Nnntridib
πŸ“…︎ Jun 08 2020
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Did you hear about the financial analyst who went skydiving but missed the landing spot by a mile?

He was an expert in the field

Edit: I made this up myself!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ImNudeyRudey
πŸ“…︎ May 27 2020
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If you are feeling lonely during the lockdown, try buying a few shares from the financial market.

Then you’ll have a little bit of company.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Apr 20 2020
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My financial advisor just told me, β€œI’m sorry to say, but all of your assets are Frozen.”

..”Why did you buy so many DVDs of the same movie?”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Sep 19 2019
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Where did the Joker keep his financial information?

In his Ledger

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Anthonybrose
πŸ“…︎ Dec 01 2019
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A financial tip: Don’t invest in skiing companies.

The entire sport is going downhill fast.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Apr 24 2018
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I used to be a financial advisor for the military..

One time a contractor approached me and asked if I wanted to buy some panzers that his company built.

I considered it for a while but remembered that the air force needed to get new fighter jets.

I turn back to the contractor and say, β€œsorry, but we just don’t have enough room in the budget. Thanks but no tanks.”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/The_Bandit_TFR
πŸ“…︎ Aug 19 2019
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Would you say that people making financial and climate predictions for next year have... 20/20 vision?
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πŸ‘€︎ u/cain11112
πŸ“…︎ Jan 07 2019
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Why was the financial advisor the strongest man in the world?

He couldn’t lift a mountain, but he could budget.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/linknt01
πŸ“…︎ Nov 03 2019
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What do you call a brother and sister who marry eachother for financial gain.

An incestment

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πŸ‘€︎ u/mentalman92
πŸ“…︎ Nov 04 2018
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Financial Advice

Even if you can't af-Ford it, Holden onto a vintage car is fun.

(just in case I need to mention it: Ford & Holden are two car manufacturers who've been in Australia for a long time)

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πŸ‘€︎ u/wilkgr
πŸ“…︎ Jun 23 2018
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I like to claim that the Greek Orthodox secretly run the world through its financial networks…For some reason people are ok with that, try putting a different religion in there and suddenly you’re a conspiracy theorist and hate criminal

Those Catholics are real sensitive sometimes

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Irv-Elephant
πŸ“…︎ May 22 2019
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Financial institutions need your business

In fact, they're banking on it

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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Nov 29 2018
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A sketchy guy just came into my shop and bought six smoke machines. So I called the cops.

He must be a part of some extreme mist group.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Nov 03 2018
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What do you call a crappy financial advisor?

An income-poop

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πŸ‘€︎ u/changhaobyu
πŸ“…︎ Nov 29 2018
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A financial analyst is a profit prophet
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Randomtngs
πŸ“…︎ Mar 16 2018
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In an attempt to deter computer hackers I've changed all my passwords to 'Brazil Nut'

That will be a hard one to crack.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Rav4xle
πŸ“…︎ Jun 18 2020
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Why was Axel Rose having financial problems in his first Profession as a Doctor?

He needed some more Patients.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/pbredd
πŸ“…︎ Dec 13 2018
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I heard they pay construction workers who build financial institutions a higher wage.

Those guys really make bank.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/unclemerle1775
πŸ“…︎ Oct 10 2018
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It's so sad that aquarium is having financial troubles...

Some might say its floundering

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πŸ‘€︎ u/sendtobo
πŸ“…︎ Jul 24 2013
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The joke is pretty deep....

I heard that the underwater financial department is tanking. They started using the loan sharks.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Valbranz
πŸ“…︎ Jul 30 2020
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What do you call it when a bunch of tentacled sea creatures protest the financial industry?

Octopi Wall Street

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πŸ‘€︎ u/PKMKII
πŸ“…︎ Nov 15 2017
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If I owned a financial planning business I would definitely sponsor a run

But only if it was a 401k

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πŸ‘€︎ u/mintypickleman
πŸ“…︎ May 24 2017
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My financial advisor must've been listening to 80s hair bands

He told me to put my retirement money in a David Lee Roth IRA

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πŸ‘€︎ u/WalkThisWhey
πŸ“…︎ Jun 15 2016
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My dad was handling some financial stuff for an elevator company...

"Man, it would be so boring to work there...but I'm sure it has its ups and downs!"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Lemon420
πŸ“…︎ Dec 16 2015
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Sometimes my Dad gives me financial advice. imgur.com/Zro0ToT
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πŸ“…︎ Nov 15 2013
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My dad teaching us financial responsibility

Years ago my parents sent my sister to England for a summer camp/study trip. Whenever we would call her we'd all gather around the speakerphone and talk briefly since international phone calls were expensive back then. One day we call her and my sister tells my dad that she has 6 more days of camp left and she is down to her last pound (dollar). There is a long awkward pause. Then my sister ask: Dad, what should I do? To which my dad responds: Spend it wisely...

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πŸ‘€︎ u/cabrilo
πŸ“…︎ Oct 22 2013
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What helped contribute to the financial crisis?

Nothing on the left side of Accountants' books were right, and nothing on the right side was left.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/USCgamecocks
πŸ“…︎ Jan 22 2014
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Left my wallet with my horses.

So I can be financially stable

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πŸ‘€︎ u/33billings
πŸ“…︎ Dec 19 2019
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Read this on r/bdsmadvice

If you and your findom (financial dominant) get engaged... Are they now your financΓ©?

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Gajakunne
πŸ“…︎ Mar 14 2019
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My girlfriend asked me for a bank statement.

I said, "It's a financial institution licensed to receive deposits and make loans."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/TommehBoi
πŸ“…︎ Nov 24 2018
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Best joke of my life (kinda)

So at my school, we had a pipe burst.

Joke at the end of you want to skip

Now it's pretty normal in the midwest, where I live, to have this thing. It started with the fire alarm going off, because of the pressure decrease, and the school was evacuated. We were all eventually brought back, for it was cold. We sat in our gym for AN HOUR before being dismissed back to our classes.

So it's near the end of the day and I have gym class. And I'm having your normal conversation with a friend about the school's financial problems. And we were just talking about how the school is going to have to pay so much money for the new pipe and the ceiling tiles and the cleaning etc.

And then it was my moment to shine.

So the conversation is almost over and the friend says,

"It'll be a while before normal funds go back".

And I just say this:

"Yeah man, the school's money is going down the drain".

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πŸ‘€︎ u/YourRoyalF0xy
πŸ“…︎ Feb 28 2019
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I need help writing airplane puns for a message on a dating site.

So the person's profile only talks about airplanes. I wanted to send a message totally jammed packed with airplane puns but I don't have that many. It's probably a fake profile but I still think it would be fun.

Here's what I have so far. Hey Girl. Most of the girls on this website are so 'plane' but you're the exception. I have a 'terminal' illness and hope to meet my copilot before I go. Just kidding. My health is 'A oK47'. I was just 'play'n' around. Just to let you know I have some baggage from some 'turbulence' in a previous relationship but Shirley I can get past it. My previous relationship taught me that two wrongs don't make a right. However, two Wrights made an airplane. I hope a new relationship can 'takeoff' with you though. I would be a great boyfriend. I have financial 'security' and could buy you anything you want with my 'visa'. Have you seen the movie, "Planes, Trains, and Automobiles"? It's really good, except for the train and automobile parts.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/richrawl
πŸ“…︎ Jan 23 2018
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