Fancy Man Puns

The waiter responds “It’s tap quality”

“I’m a turtle” he says

Oh...well who’s that on your back then?

He replies, “That’s Michelle...”

if smoking so dangerous how come it cures bacon?

The chef told the man that he has bigger fish to fry.

... and there was a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He had been checking her out since he sat down, but lacked the nerve to talk with her.

Suddenly she sneezed, and her glass eye came flying out of its socket towards the man. He reflexively reached out, grabbed it out of the air, and handed it back.

'Oh my, I am so sorry,' the woman said, as she popped her eye back in place. 'Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you.'

They enjoyed a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they went to the theater followed by drinks. They talked, they laughed, she shared her deepest dreams and he shared his. She listened to him with interest.

After paying for everything, she asked him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap and stay for breakfast. They had a wonderful, wonderful time.

The next morning, she cooked a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy was amazed. Everything had been so incredible!

'You know,' he said, 'you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?'

'No,' she replies. 'You just happened to catch my eye.'

The man goes into the fancy restaurant and have a discussion with the host:

Host Sir, you cannot come in here with out a belt. We have standards.

The man goes out to his car and puts on a belt fashioned out of some rope. He goes back in.

Host Alright.... I guess you have a belt....You still need a jacket.

The man goes back out to his car and fishes out a jacket his wore to a wedding a year ago. He shares it off, brushes it with his hand, and puts it on.

Host Ok. You still need a tie. It is required.

The man goes out to his car. He doesn't have a tie. He puts on jumper cables and makes a perfect Windsor knot.

Host You have a belt and a jacket. I guess you have a tie.

Just don't try to start something....

A man fancies himself skilled at writing puns, so when a local newspaper offered $5000 to whomever could write the best pun, the man thought he'd make some quick cash. He spent the next day writing puns and picked out the ten best ones to send in to the newspaper. He figured that at least one of the ten he submitted would win, but sadly, no pun in ten did.

He approaches the teller, Ms. Ursula Paddywhack. He says he needs a loan.

"What for?" asks the teller.

"I want to build a house," the frog replies. "Nothing too fancy, but I want $20,000."

"Do you have any collateral?" asks the teller.

The frog takes out a small crystal horse. "Would this be enough?"

"No, that's not enough," the teller replies. "Do you have anything else?"

"My father is Keith Richards," says the frog.

The teller, unsure what to do, goes to the bank manager. She describes the entire situation and asks for advice. The manager says,

"It's a knick-knack, Paddywhack. Give the frog a loan! His old man's a Rolling Stone."

This is the story of Jack and the Beanstalk, after the story ends. After chopping down the beanstalk, Jack realizes that he’s actually pretty damn good with an axe, and casual vegetative vandalism really struck his fancy, so he began chopping down other trees for a living. He became a traveling woodsman, and he enjoyed many years of his simple life of manual labor.

One day, as he chops wood, he hears screams from a nearby cottage. Hurriedly breaking in (because recall: jack has no problem with entering houses uninvited), he sees a cross dressing lycanthrope attempting to devour a little girl dressed all in red and her little grandmother too. Wielding his trusty axe, Jack murdered yet another fantasy creature, and safely led Little Red all the way back home. Answering the door was a beautiful woman of around his age. After sending Little Red to bed, the two of them talked for hours.

One thing led to another, and a year later they were married with a child on the way. They had a beautiful little boy named Jack Junior who followed in his father’s steps to become a woodsman. This was fortunate, because as Junior grew up, Jack was feeling the pain of his previous adventures. An old back injury from jumping from the beanstalk was haunting him, and over time his posture grew more and more hunched. He had a tough time working, but at least Junior was becoming a strapping young man.

One day, Jack and Junior took the long road to the grandmothers place to bring her a meal, just like that fateful trio Red took so many years ago. When they arrived, the grandmother greeted them cheerily, welcoming them in and making conversation. “Oh Junior,” she said, “you’ve grown into such a handsome and strong young man. It’s so kind of you to handle all the work so your poor father, with his bad back and all, doesn’t have to. Why don’t you have a girlfriend yet?” Junior hesitated. “Well Grandma,” he replied. “It’s because... I’m gay”. The close-minded, set-in-her-ways grandma’s expression became stormy. She pulled poor hunched-over Jack into adjacent room, and whispered angrily: “Jack, your life is a mess! Your posture is terrible and your son isn’t giving me any grandsons!” Jack replied: “Ma, we’re happy, you can’t just-“ But she interrupted. “No excuses!” She snapped. “You need to straighten your lumbar, Jack!”

I was sitting in the cafeteria for lunch yesterday and chatting with my fellow volunteers when one of them pulls out one of those shaker bottles that people mix up protein powder in. Hers just had water in it, but she hadn't taken out the metal shaker.

Without skipping a beat, the man on my left perks up and says, "Wow, that's some fancy spring water you've got there!"

Cue the groans.

This isn't a joke that came from a dad or anything but I hope it's worthy!

My father started waiting in 1979 and took one of his first jobs at this extremely fancy and expensive restaurant. The type of place that the waiters wore tuxedos and whatnot. Anyways my dad worked with this guy named Froggy (nickname of course) whom my dad still praises to this day that he's one of the best waiters he's ever worked with.

Anyways, one night it's extremely busy and both my father and Froggy were rushing around trying to keep up. Well Froggy had this table with about 5-7 people all who looked like they wore expensive clothing, ordered the best food and so on. Well one of the guys ordered a baked potato as a side and Froggy proceeds with typical waiter stuff as asks if he wanted sour cream with his baked potato. The man says yes so Froggy scoops the cream and attempts to place it on the potato. Well... as he was moving to place it on, the cream slipped off and right onto this guys extremely expensive sweater... Completely in shock, the customer turns to Froggy and without missing a beat, Froggy slowly turns his head in a comical fashion towards the ceiling and proclaims "Those damn pigeons!"

Needless to say every single person in that table were crying with laughter, including my father one table over who observed the whole ordeal. Froggy said he'd pay for the dry cleaning and the customer said not to worry about it because it was the most hilarious thing he's seen in ages.