Puns, you either love them or...

When it comes to food puns, you either love them or you ate them.

However, when it comes to number puns, you either love them or you eight them.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Mr-JasonTe
πŸ“…︎ Jan 17 2019
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Why is North Korea so evil?

Because they have no Seoul.

Edit: Thanks for the support and for my first award everyone! I can’t take credit for the joke itself as a friend who passed a number of years made it up in high school, but I’m sure he’d be ecstatic to see the number of updoots and laughter it’s brought.

πŸ‘︎ 6k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/fourchubio
πŸ“…︎ Oct 17 2020
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You know what’s odd?

Every other number

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πŸ‘€︎ u/scottsterling6969
πŸ“…︎ Jan 12 2021
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Playing as a Monk in Dungeons & Dragons isn’t so hard.

You just have to roll with the punches and look out for number one.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Sir_Soft_Spoken
πŸ“…︎ Dec 30 2020
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Poop jokes aren’t my favorite kind of jokes...

But they’re a solid number 2!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/daddysbrat18
πŸ“…︎ Dec 30 2020
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The head veterinarian at a zoo noticed something alarming in a patient’s record...

The head veterinarian at a zoo noticed something alarming in a patient’s record. A monkey that had been a healthy weight at its last checkup was now recorded as being only half that.

Fearing for the monkey’s health, he went and saw it, expecting it to be sickly and skeletal. However, the monkey seemed totally normal. Confused told his staff to weigh the monkey again.

They did, but the number they reported was still astonishingly low. Sure it was a mistake, he went to weigh the monkey for himself. But when he put the monkey on the scale, it showed a number that was still far too low, and couldn’t possibly be right.

After a moment he spotted the problem: behind the scale was a grab bar on the wall, and the monkey had stealthily grabbed it with its tail, and was supporting some of its weight off the scale that way.

So the monkey's weight was fine, they just weren't paying attention to de tail.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Swanbrother
πŸ“…︎ Jan 10 2021
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EnchantΓ©

My baby cousin was learning his french numbers during quarentine and he got quite good. They really cinq in

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πŸ“…︎ Jan 03 2021
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The Mysterious Sound

A man is driving down the road and breaks down near a monastery. He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night? The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a very strange sound. The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, We can't tell you. You're not a monk.

The man is disappointed but thanks them anyway and goes about his merry way. Some years later, The same man breaks down in front of the same monastery. The monks again accept him, feed him, and again fix his car. That night, he hears the same strange noise that he had heard years earlier. The next morning, he asks what it is, but the monks reply, We can't tell you. You're not a monk.

The man says, All right, all right. I'm dying to know.

If the only way I can find out what that sound was is to become a monk, how do I become a monk?

The monks reply, You must travel the earth and tell us how many blades of grass there are and the exact number of sand pebbles, when you find these numbers, you will become a monk. The man sets about his task. Some 54 years later, he returns and knocks on the door of the monastery.

He says, I have traveled the earth and have found what you have asked for. There are 145,236,284,232 blades of grass and 231,281,219,999,129,382 sand pebbles on the earth.

The monks reply, Congratulations. You are now a monk. We shall now show you the way to the sound.

The monks lead the man to a wooden door where the head monk says, The sound is right behind that door. The man reaches for the knob, but the door is locked.

He says, Real funny. May I have the key? The monks give him the key, and he opens the door. Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone.

The man demands the key to the stone door. The monks give him the key, and he opens it, only to find a door made of ruby. He demands another key from the monks, who provide it.

Behind that door is another door, this one made of sapphire, And so it went until the man had gone through doors of emerald, silver, topaz, and amethyst.

Finally, the monks say, This is the last key to the last door.

The man is relieved to know that he has finally reached to the end.

He unlocks the door, turns the knob, and behind that door he is amazed to find the source of that strange sound.

But he can't tell you what it is because you're not a monk.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/gasballbutsmol
πŸ“…︎ Jan 11 2021
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Why did the Pirate's Island have to quarantine?

Because their 'Arrr' number was too high...

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πŸ‘€︎ u/CanAhJustSay
πŸ“…︎ Dec 20 2020
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Do trees poop?

Of course, that’s how we get number 2 pencils....

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Centrist4America
πŸ“…︎ Dec 18 2020
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A man's son entered a raffle to win the deed to an entire shopping plaza.

The son's ticket number wasn't the one picked to win. Despondently, the son told the results to his dad. In an effort to console him, his dad replied..."Well, sorry son, but you can't win the mall."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/kellzone
πŸ“…︎ Jan 08 2021
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Most puns make me go numb

Math puns make me go number

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πŸ“…︎ Dec 22 2020
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If DC, Puerto Rico, and Guam became states, the US would be truly indivisible

Since 53 states is a prime number

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πŸ“…︎ Jan 09 2021
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We will never run out of puns now!

A giant list of puns

What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.

I would avoid the sushi if I was you. It’s a little fishy.

Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind it’s tearable.

Why did the cookie cry? Because his father was a wafer so long!

I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.

What do you call a belt with a watch on it? A waist of time.

How do you organize an outer space party? You planet.

I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.

Do you know where you can get chicken broth in bulk? The stock market.

I cut my finger chopping cheese, but I think that I may have greater problems.

My cat was just sick on the carpet, I don’t think it’s feline well.

Why did the octopus beat the shark in a fight? Because it was well armed.

How much does a hipster weigh? An instagram.

What did daddy spider say to baby spider? You spend too much time on the web.

Atheism is a non-prophet organisation.

There’s a new type of broom out, it’s sweeping the nation.

What cheese can never be yours? Nacho cheese.

What did the Buffalo say to his little boy when he dropped him off at school? Bison.

Have you ever heard of a music group called Cellophane? They mostly wrap.

Why does Superman gets invited to dinners? Because he is a Supperhero.

How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.

The shovel was a ground breaking invention.

A scarecrow says, "This job isn't for everyone, but hay, it's in my jeans."

A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog stand and says, "Make me one with everything."

Did you hear about the guy who lost the left side of his body? He's alright now.

What do you call a girl with one leg that's shorter than the other? Ilene.

I did a theatrical performance on puns. It was a play on words.

What do you do with a dead chemist? You barium.

I bet the person who created the door knocker won a Nobel prize.

Towels can’t tell jokes. They have a dry sense of humor.

Two birds are sitting on a perch and one says "Do you smell fish?"

Do you know sign language? You should learn it, it’s pretty handy.

What do you call a beautiful pumpkin? GOURDgeous.

Why did one banana spy on the other? Because she was appealing.

What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.

What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.

What do you call a cow with all of its legs? High steaks.

A cross eyed teacher couldn’t control his pupils.

After the accident, the juggler didn’t have the balls to do it.

I used to be afraid of hu

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/communist_scumbag
πŸ“…︎ Nov 26 2020
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Why was six afraid of 7?

Because 7 is a prime number and I assume they can be very intimidating

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πŸ‘€︎ u/trashpanda-5143
πŸ“…︎ Dec 01 2020
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I've come up with a list of the top 10 types of specialized chairs

Number 3 will shock you

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πŸ‘€︎ u/LinkRar
πŸ“…︎ Dec 17 2020
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I once had a faulty box of Corn Flakes so I called up Kellogg's customer services to see if they could help.

Unfortunately they weren't able to help me in the end as I wasn't able to find the box's cereal number.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Bbew_Mot
πŸ“…︎ Jan 07 2021
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I was on the bathroom scales, sucking my stomach in.

Thinking I was trying to weigh less with this manouver, my wife commented, "I don't think that's going to help !!"

"Sure it does " I retorted "It's the only way I can see the numbers."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Dec 16 2020
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You know, 5 is very strange

As a number it's quite odd

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Ryanthedoctor11
πŸ“…︎ Dec 24 2020
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What do you use to draw a toilet?

A number 2 pencil.

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πŸ“…︎ Dec 18 2020
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Do trees poop?

Of course they do. That's how we get number 2 pencils.

-Edit- Thanks for the awards guys! 😊

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Mama_Bear15
πŸ“…︎ Nov 12 2020
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What did the Japanese man say when he saw his boy scratch his leg?

1 2, 3?

Edit: read the numbers in Japanese

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πŸ‘€︎ u/DiamondChocobos
πŸ“…︎ Oct 17 2020
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I really don't see much future for Advent Calendars

It feels like their days are numbered.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/The_fury_2000
πŸ“…︎ Nov 21 2020
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I was super lucky to get an advent calendar this year...

because you know their days are numbered.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/es_mo
πŸ“…︎ Dec 02 2020
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There's a show that consists only of people peeing.

You can see it on a number of streaming channels.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Joesdad65
πŸ“…︎ Nov 07 2020
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I'll never forget the day I first met my wife. We were at a fancy dress party and she was stood there, looking gorgeous and slim, with her fat mate...

They'd gone together dressed as the number 10...

I knew there and then that she was the One!!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Nov 06 2020
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How do you spot a cultured Redditor?

The number of their blue cheese grows.

...I'll see myself out.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/acres41
πŸ“…︎ Nov 02 2020
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Why did the ghost go to the bathroom?

He had to go number boo.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/XD_Im_Pink_Pixel
πŸ“…︎ Oct 26 2020
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A rock star's Journey

A number of years ago I was in a rock band. We were hugely successful, playing some of the biggest venues and entertaining swarms of fans.

The last shoes we ever played were on our world tour. We played the Americas and then flew over to Europe. We played our way through Russia and even a couple of gigs in China, before selling out our final show in Japan.

It was a hell of a Journey, but it was time for me to hang up my guitar. I retired from the rock star life and got an office job in Tokyo.

I made a few friends at work, and grew close with one in particular, Narada-san. One day Narada had the day off for a funeral, but that wasn't enough; he needed more time. He was torn between his obligation to return to work and his desire to have more time at home. He asked me what he should do.

The answer was simple. I picked up my guitar and played a Japanese version of our biggest hit from 1981:

Don't Stop Bereaving

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πŸ“…︎ Nov 21 2020
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My dad would walk me to the bathroom when I was scared to pee at night...

That’s a number one dad

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πŸ‘€︎ u/dubaidadjokes
πŸ“…︎ Jul 30 2020
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There are two reasons not to drink toilet water.

Number one. And number two.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/uhavethebiggay
πŸ“…︎ Nov 03 2020
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Once upon a time in numberland, a three-person race was held

In it took part the Minus sign, and the numbers zero and -2. All three ended the race at precisely the same time.

-2, Minus Won; 0 Won Too.

(Reddit, I am counting on you to make this stupid joke popular!)

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πŸ‘€︎ u/keychainoi
πŸ“…︎ Oct 18 2020
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Stay Positive

Son is working on math. Currently working on negative numbers, which is below his level (pun intended).

Wife says, "He is really bored. If you can think of anything to say to help that would be great.

Me to son, β€œHey buddy, I know you are working on negative numbers and that is boring. Try to stay positive.”

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πŸ“…︎ Nov 09 2020
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I hope not to let everyone down

True story. Wife was cooking dinner and says you know what's odd?

With out hesitation I say: the number 7?

Never did find out what else was odd

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Boreddudemo
πŸ“…︎ Sep 28 2020
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Do you know whats odd?

Every other number!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/lil_biggyeeeet
πŸ“…︎ Jan 13 2021
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I hate negative numbers.

I will stop at nothing to avoid going into negative numbers.

πŸ‘︎ 27
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Feels_Bad_Man19
πŸ“…︎ Dec 07 2020
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A giant list of puns from r/copypasta

A giant list of puns

What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.

I would avoid the sushi if I was you. It’s a little fishy.

Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind it’s tearable.

Why did the cookie cry? Because his father was a wafer so long!

I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.

What do you call a belt with a watch on it? A waist of time.

How do you organize an outer space party? You planet.

I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.

Do you know where you can get chicken broth in bulk? The stock market.

I cut my finger chopping cheese, but I think that I may have greater problems.

My cat was just sick on the carpet, I don’t think it’s feline well.

Why did the octopus beat the shark in a fight? Because it was well armed.

How much does a hipster weigh? An instagram.

What did daddy spider say to baby spider? You spend too much time on the web.

Atheism is a non-prophet organisation.

There’s a new type of broom out, it’s sweeping the nation.

What cheese can never be yours? Nacho cheese.

What did the Buffalo say to his little boy when he dropped him off at school? Bison.

Have you ever heard of a music group called Cellophane? They mostly wrap.

Why does Superman gets invited to dinners? Because he is a Supperhero.

How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.

The shovel was a ground breaking invention.

A scarecrow says, "This job isn't for everyone, but hay, it's in my jeans."

A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog stand and says, "Make me one with everything."

Did you hear about the guy who lost the left side of his body? He's alright now.

What do you call a girl with one leg that's shorter than the other? Ilene.

I did a theatrical performance on puns. It was a play on words.

What do you do with a dead chemist? You barium.

I bet the person who created the door knocker won a Nobel prize.

Towels can’t tell jokes. They have a dry sense of humor.

Two birds are sitting on a perch and one says "Do you smell fish?"

Do you know sign language? You should learn it, it’s pretty handy.

What do you call a beautiful pumpkin? GOURDgeous.

Why did one banana spy on the other? Because she was appealing.

What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.

What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.

What do you call a cow with all of its legs? High steaks.

A cross eyed teacher couldn’t control his pupils.

After the accident, the juggler didn’t have the balls to do it.

I used to be afraid of hu

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ“…︎ Nov 26 2020
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Why are pirates bad for a pandemic?

Why are pirates bad for a pandemic?

Because they keep raising the Arrr number!

(my first dadjokes post!)

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πŸ‘€︎ u/IndySun
πŸ“…︎ Oct 23 2020
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Poop jokes aren't my favorite

But they're a solid number 2

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πŸ‘€︎ u/KnightHawk37
πŸ“…︎ Nov 21 2020
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You know what’s really odd?

Numbers not divisible by 2.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/zRage4
πŸ“…︎ Nov 21 2020
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When my wife caught me standing on the bathroom scales, sucking in my stomach, she laughed, β€œHa! That’s not going to help!”

β€œSure, it does.” I said. β€œIt’s the only way I can see the numbers.”

πŸ‘︎ 14k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Apr 06 2020
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A few puns make me numb

But math puns make me number

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/apapipay
πŸ“…︎ Nov 03 2020
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English puns make me feel numb

But math puns make me feel number

πŸ‘︎ 12k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/OoRicky92oO
πŸ“…︎ Mar 14 2020
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Some puns are so bad, when I hear them I feel numb

When I hear a math pun, I feel number

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/AWasayAsim
πŸ“…︎ Sep 29 2020
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