Son; “Go on, then.”
Dad growls; “NOOOOO, NOT THE KRYPTONITE!”
Son; “That’s Superman.”
Dad; “Thanks, I’ve been practicing a lot.”
The same is true for clocks.
(PSA: Remember to correct yours tonight, as applicable.)
It was a Spanish ink-wiz-isition.
Noble gases have no reaction.
But I can Samurais
Can’t say I’m surprised.
even the cake was in tiers.
Edit: Thank you so much guys! I never expected this to reach 10k upvotes! You guys truly made my day.
I looked her in the eyes and replied "no honey, they're dead."
Eventually we drifted apart.
I felt like a right idiot sitting in a bar wearing nothing but a diaper.
Feefiphobia
Edit: wow! I never expected this to reach such great heights..... Thank you for the awards, kind redditors.
A quarterback.
You are not a loan.
A hundred dollar bill.
This is my dad's favorite joke.
When you write about about a kid in the 1900s with Great Expectations, it’s a real Oliver Twist
Man! That came out of nowhere!!
but it skips b c d e f g h I j k l m n o and p
A ba-BOOM
Ambulances, I can't stand them.
You get fat. What, were you expecting a pi joke? Reddit doesn’t have pie days!
"...a TOE TRUCK!!??"
But she clearly didn’t understand the question because she only said “K.”
I’m a faux pa.
Edit: This took off a lot better than I expected.
I feel like a father figure now.
Reception said they had a doctor on staff.
The doctor asked me lots of questions and I was then feeling much better.
I told reception I didn't expect a hotel would have a doctor on staff
They said it was a Spanish Inn Physician
Abracadabra you are a sandwich
but then it grew on me
Nobody expects the Spanish ink precision
Mount Rushmore
Me: Well, it’s ......a long story.
Those who understand binary...
and those who don't.
A comeback
People are expecting a big turnip at the funeral.
...a lot of work over a short time.
Probably not Watt you expected, right? I currently currently feel a little resistance to this joke.
...but I've got some Trix up my sleeve
Inspired by a recent post here
Sneakers
It was easy, both are basically implants.
“Ba-dumm-Tsss”
When the baby was born. Mr Wong was shocked to see it was white and not a bit Chinese looking. "No no no" he said "two wongs don't make a white"
I never expected to see pair a normal beings when I started studying alien aircraft, you follow, G?
The damage is expected to be 50 square blocks.
They call it the Enter prize
They are always up to something.
I just wanted to thank everyone here. My mom has been in the hospital with the virus and being able to send her jokes from here has made her laugh (we both really like puns!) so I just wanted to thank y’all for the fun jokes you post. I know it doesn’t seem like much but it has been very nice to be able to share them with her!
Edit: thank you so much for the awards and well wishes! I 100% did not expect this to blow up like it did and I’m so glad for y’all’s support!!
I got sick at this small hotel in Madrid. I called the front desk and they told me they had a doctor on staff. After he made me feel better, I told him I was amazed that such a small place had a doctor. He nodded and said "NO ONE EXPECTS THE SPANISH INN PHYSICIAN!!!!
planetary healthcare?
I got them all the other Dickens’ books though.
The Pillsbury Doughboy, remembered best as "Pop N Serve", and/or "Pop N Fresh", died yesterday of a severe yeast infection and trauma complications from repeated pokes in the belly. He was 71.
Doughboy will be buried in this lightly greased coffin.
Dozens of celebrities will turn out to pay their respects, including Mrs. Butterworth, Hungry Jack, the California Raisins, Betty Crocker, the Hostess Twinkies, and Captain Crunch.
The grave site is expected to be piled high with flours.
Aunt Jemima will deliver the eulogy and lovingly describe Doughboy as "a man who never knew how much he was kneaded".
Doughboy rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with turnovers.. He was considered a very smart cookie, but wasted much of his dough on half-baked schemes.
Despite being a little flaky at times, he still was a crusty old man and was considered a positive roll model for millions.
Doughboy is survived by his wife, Play dough, three children: John Dough, Jane Dough and Dosey Dough, plus they had one in the oven. He is also survived by his elderly father, Pop tart.
The funeral will be held at 3:50 for about 20 minutes.
He was named Justin Case.
You get really full.
What, were you expecting a pie joke on my cake day?
A Naval Orange
"You"... followed by a smirk.
Not the response I was expecting but I laughed
He kneaded it all the time.
It wasn't as good as I thought it would be.
He reaches into his bag and takes out a bunch of regular dinner table forks and a roll of duct tape.
He tapes several forks together to make a bridge and lays it down, allowing the two of them to get across.
When they get back to Yoda’s hovel, they find that some creature has chewed a hole in the fence around Yoda’s garden.
“Something I have for this.” Yoda says again. Once again, he takes a bunch of forks out of his bag and, using duct tape, tapes them in to patch the hole.
Yoda and Luke return to Yoda’s home, where Yoda looks through his bag. He’s used all his forks but one, he discovers.
“That’s ok Master." Luke says, wanting to be helpful. “I’ll write us a note reminding us to buy more.”
So he writes the note and uses the very last fork to pin it to the bulletin board.
He looks down at Yoda expecting pride, but instead finds a look of horror.
“Master Yoda!” he asks. “What did I do wrong?”
Yoda replies sagely, “A Jedi uses the forks for no ledge and the fence. Never for a tack!”
I guess hezsjkfowgajqjhsjwkwlsvvcaxxacfasuoc
Since she is expecting
I’m expecting a long sentence
A wealthy man and his wife are living together.
One day his wife says to him; "If you really love me, then I expect something that goes from 0 to 200 in 3 seconds parked in our driveway tomorrow!".
The next morning she rushes out the door to find a bathroom scale in the driveway.
Sir Render
Edit: Wow, this blew up! Thanks for the gold kind stranger!
Edit: Credit to r/Teenagers for this
[deleted]
A lot of hindsight.
"If you have ten dollars and ask your dad for ten dollars, how many dollars do you have?"
A student replied, "10 dollars"
The teacher responds, "You don't know your maths, kiddo"
To which the student replies, "Well you don't know my dad"
“I was the knight no one expected to see on the battlefield.” - Sir Prize
“I shall see you around.” - Sir Cumference
“We shall fight on land or sea.” - Sir Fenturf
“I was the knight who was afraid to fight.” - Sir Render
“I was the unbelievable knight.” - Sir Real
“I was the knight that drank too much.” - Sir Rhosis
She still regrets letting me name the twins.
I guess hindsight is 2020
Nobody expects the Spanish Inn Physician
[Removed]
"Doc, I haven't pooped in a week! Please help!"
Doc says sure, and writes him a prescription for a weeks worth of suppositories.
Man comes back the next day, "doc, I took the entire script last night, but nothing happened!"
The doc is shocked, as in his experience suppositories are very effective, and after taking a weeks worth he should have definitely had a BM. Oh well, the doc thinks, and gives him another weeks worth.
Guy comes back the next day. The doc says incredulously, "you've taken 2 weeks worth of suppositories in 2 days, and nothing happened?!?! What are you doing with them, eating them?!?!"
The man replies, "What'd you expect me to do with them, Shove 'em up my ass?!?!"
I don't know if this would normally be considered a dad joke, but it's my dad's favorite joke so I think it should count.
When a chap in a van pulls up gets out and says there is a new leather sette and a leather chair in the van you can have it free of charge.
We decided to take it to our house. I told my dad expecting him to be pleased. Instead he came over and clipped my ear with the back of his hand.
Crying i said what was that for. My dad said How many times do i have to tell you. DONT TAKE SUITES OFF STRANGERS!
He’s looking for The Secret of my 6S
Because no one expects the Spanish ink precision!
but it was pretty boring.
i joined this sub to expect jokes i would laugh at 80% of the time but the top ones most of the time just have title or i just don't get them.(but there are some i get:) and i was wondering if this sub is just for dads should i just leave?
I hope for the vest but expecting the wurst.
I wasn't expecting such a warm reception.
Not the Apple Watch she was expecting apparently.
The p is silent.
