Moist Bush.
My life savings
My middle child, who loves rice, declined the yellow rice we offered him because apparently he only likes one type of rice.
Without missing a beat my daughter (11 y/o) exclaimed, "stop being rice-ist."
My job is done, clearly there is no more I can teach her.
I hit a Homer.
"Well, son," I told him. "Sit down, because it's a long story."
She thought the State of the Union speech was tearable.
I can agree, how Shrek acts in the movies is really gross.
FINAL FORM! DAD'S UNITE! OUR TIME HAS COME!
This story happened, just shortly after my daughter was born, at work.
I had a coworker who hated puns. I had made a particular bad one, I completely forget what it was. Just an on the fly thing.
Suddenly my coworker stands up and the following exchange happens:
Him (loudly proclaiming): Puns are awful. They're terrible. Puns are the lowest form of comedy. Only the most infantile people laugh at puns. We need to have a pun jar... like a swear jar, but instead of swearing we put a quarter in it every time someone makes a pun.
Me: (after a short silence) That sounds like a GREAT idea.
Him (confused): No, it's like a swear jar but you put money into it when you swear.
Me: Yeah I understand that
Him: You'd be the hardest hit with that.
Me: Yeah, I understand that. Nevertheless it has my wholehearted support.
Him: (Now very VERY confused) Why would you support something that would hurt you more than anyone else?
Me: Because... we could totally call it the PUNishment jar.
There were three people who clearly heard this exchange. Each one busted out laughing so hard... one of them was pounding his fist into his desk. The look on this poor guy's face: priceless.
A coworker was looking through our tea selection at work and said "I could really go for some sleepy time tea right now, too bad we don't have any at the office."
To which, I replied, "Why would our office stock sleepy time tea? We might as well just have unproductivi-tea."
He just shook his head in disapproval.
I'm thinking of opening a shopping center which specializes in only the stores you can never seem to find when you want them. For instance:
- New Navy
- Half Foods
- Over Armor
- Paper Clips
- 49 Cent Store
- Seniors R Us (really old stuff like antiques)
- Tom & Harry's Sporting Goods
- Pier 99 Exports
- Yankee Light Bulb
- O.M.G. Monday's
- Due Pizza (It's Italian, not Spanish)
- Rhode Island Closets (they are very small)
- Open Space (think about it)
A few years ago, my dad and I were building an addition onto his house. He rented a tool from the hardware store and had to return it, so he asked me to come with him and we would get some breakfast. There was a Burger King nearby, so we decided to stop there to eat.
When we go to the drive-through, we realize the restaurant was closed down, so he drove around the building to get back on the highway. As we were passing the dumpsters, he stopped the car, backed it up, and pointed towards the ground near the dumpster. I looked for a few seconds, trying to see what he was pointing at.
Then... I saw it.
It was a giant, 12+ inch black dildo, standing upright next to the dumpster. It propped itself up on its fake dildo balls, gently swaying in the breeze.
I was astonished. I couldn't even imagine what events in the universe had to line-up so as to end up with that giant dildo meticulously placed next to the dumpster at a closed-down Burger King. I couldn't even begin to fathom why it was there.
My dad, with perfect timing, then shouted "GAY TIMES WILL BE HAD TONIGHT!" and sped out of the parking lot.
We ended up going to Denny's.
I was telling some jokes to a friend while grabbing a cup of coffee and my very last one tanked pretty hard. While I was leaving he said, "You should have left on a high note!" I immediately apologized and sang a nice, high pitched note on my way out the door.
http://i.imgur.com/RSDSAKj.png
