I haven't given a crap in days.
Because he is always chilling out
I've arrived at the liquor store
Larry replies, “God and I are tight. He knows I have poor eyesight, so He’s fixed it so when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom, poof! The light goes on. When I’m done, poof! The light goes off.”
“Wow, that’s incredible!” the doctor says.
A little later in the day, the doctor calls Larry’s wife.
“Bonnie...” he says. “Larry is doing fine! But I had to call you because I’m in awe of his relationship with God. Is it true that he gets up during the night and poof, the light goes on in the bathroom and when he’s done, poof, the light goes off?”
“Oh sweet Jesus!" exclaims Bonnie. “He’s peeing in the refrigerator again!”
I woke up in a fowl mood.
Can’t say I’m surprised.
I'm going vegan today.
Even the cake was in tiers
Can we just TACO bout it?
Cop: it’s a .....moving violation.
Really brought a tier to my eye.
It was some heavy shit.
I always have trouble with emotional attachments.
It's a real cliffhanger.
But my wife says I'm just beating a dead horse.
So he took the plunger.
He's emotionally kneady.
Even the cake’s in tiers
Man: Can’t say that I’m surprised.
I’m having to deal with a lot of emotional baggage.
Not too sure how I feel about that.
I was a late doomer.
-
It was an emotional wedding. Even the cake was in tiers.
-
If I'm the night guard at the Samsung store, does that make me a… Guardian of the Galaxy
-
I lost my job at the bank on my very first day. A woman asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over.
-
I Googled “How to start a Wildfire”. I got 48,500 matches.
-
I accidentally drank a little food colouring last night. I ended up dying inside.
Emotional baggage is the worst!
He’s un-bear-able
As I'm looking at my empty suitcase I thought it looked sad... Then I thought "great... Now I have emotional baggage!"
Electricity, it always needs an outlet.
I don't know how to feel about this
He had a lot of hang-ups.
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They said, “Sorry. Penguins can’t fly.”
because it is just beta.
... to call it "griefcase".
They’re always kind enough to ask you if you’re having a ruff day
I guess you could say he has a Taipei personality.
Fangst.
Tear-Duct Tape
He is hysterical.
Saudness
What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.
I would avoid the sushi if I was you. It’s a little fishy.
Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind it’s tearable.
Why did the cookie cry? Because his father was a wafer so long!
I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.
What do you call a belt with a watch on it? A waist of time.
How do you organize an outer space party? You planet.
I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.
Do you know where you can get chicken broth in bulk? The stock market.
I cut my finger chopping cheese, but I think that I may have greater problems.
My cat was just sick on the carpet, I don’t think it’s feline well.
Why did the octopus beat the shark in a fight? Because it was well armed.
How much does a hipster weigh? An instagram.
What did daddy spider say to baby spider? You spend too much time on the web.
Atheism is a non-prophet organisation.
There’s a new type of broom out, it’s sweeping the nation.
What cheese can never be yours? Nacho cheese.
What did the Buffalo say to his little boy when he dropped him off at school? Bison.
Have you ever heard of a music group called Cellophane? They mostly wrap.
Why does Superman gets invited to dinners? Because he is a Supperhero.
How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.
The shovel was a ground breaking invention.
A scarecrow says, "This job isn't for everyone, but hay, it's in my jeans."
A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog stand and says, "Make me one with everything."
Did you hear about the guy who lost the left side of his body? He's alright now.
What do you call a girl with one leg that's shorter than the other? Ilene.
I did a theatrical performance on puns. It was a play on words.
What do you do with a dead chemist? You barium.
I bet the person who created the door knocker won a Nobel prize.
Towels can’t tell jokes. They have a dry sense of humor.
Two birds are sitting on a perch and one says "Do you smell fish?"
Do you know sign language? You should learn it, it’s pretty handy.
What do you call a beautiful pumpkin? GOURDgeous.
Why did one banana spy on the other? Because she was appealing.
What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.
What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.
What do you call a cow with all of its legs? High steaks.
A cross eyed teacher couldn’t control his pupils.
After the accident, the juggler didn
... keep reading on reddit ➡Because nothing gets under their skin.
Try not to get emotionally attached.
Nice gal, her name’s Ella.
I don't know why but I just started filling up
They lost my case.
I don't know how I feel about that.
(Credit to 30 Rock. Thought it fit here)
I have serious emotional attachment issues.
I haven't given a shit in days
Larry replies, “God and I are tight. He knows I have poor eyesight, so He’s fixed it so when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom, poof! The light goes on. When I’m done, poof! The light goes off.”
“Wow, that’s incredible,” the doctor says.
A little later in the day, the doctor calls Larry’s wife.
“Bonnie,” he says, “Larry is doing fine! But I had to call you because I’m in awe of his relationship with God. Is it true that he gets up during the night, and poof, the light goes on in the bathroom, and when he’s done, poof, the light goes off?”
“Oh sweet Jesus”, exclaims Bonnie. “He’s peeing in the refrigerator again!”
Larry replies, “God and I are tight. He knows I have poor eyesight, so He’s fixed it so when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom, poof! The light goes on. When I’m done, poof! The light goes off.”
“Wow, that’s incredible." the doctor says.
A little later in the day, the doctor calls Larry’s wife.
“Bonnie...” he says. “Larry is doing fine! But I had to call you because I’m in awe of his relationship with God. Is it true that he gets up during the night, and poof, the light goes on in the bathroom, and when he’s done, poof, the light goes off?”
“Oh sweet Jesus!" exclaims Bonnie. “He’s peeing in the refrigerator again!”
...even the cake was in tiers.
Can’t say I’m surprised.
Even the cake was in tiers!
Even the cake was in tiers
Even the cake was in tiers.
Even the cake was in tiers.
I’m having to put up with a lot of emotional baggage ever since.
Even the cake was in tiers.
Me: “I can’t say I’m surprised.”
Even the cake is in tiers
... even the cake was in tears.
I always have trouble with emotional attachments.
It was very emotional - even the wedding cake was in tiers!
....even the cake was in tiers.
Even the cake was in tiers
Even the cake was in tiers.
Even the cake was in tiers....
