What would happen to all of us if the zombie virus only affected redheads?

Ginger-bite-us

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Colorado_kindbudz
πŸ“…︎ Dec 28 2020
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How does one’s height affect their sleep?

Taller people sleep longer in bed.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/beccah42
πŸ“…︎ Oct 30 2020
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I'm closely watching how this contested election affects the volatility of the stock markets.

I call it the "Al Gore Rhythm" method.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/RickShaw530
πŸ“…︎ Nov 11 2020
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BREAKING :: Lebanese President Michel Aoun states there will be no additional disaster relief funds for those affected by blast.

A real Lebaneezer Scrooge.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/RangerHikes
πŸ“…︎ Aug 11 2020
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I heard there is a recall on Caviar, but not all types of fish eggs are affected.

It’s a sturgeon general warning.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/mellowconundrum
πŸ“…︎ Aug 20 2020
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I just went to get my glasses fixed and you’ll never guess who I ran into when I was there!

That’s right!

.... Everyone.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Kayden_Pauser
πŸ“…︎ Dec 01 2020
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Why can’t cows be affected by any strong force?

They’re immoovabull.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/AnnoyingAzathoth
πŸ“…︎ May 17 2020
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We're all affected by this.
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Ek7a
πŸ“…︎ Mar 17 2020
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What do you call a disease affecting crows?

CROW-VID-19

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Anonymous8776
πŸ“…︎ Apr 29 2020
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Ireland's economy isn't being affected as much due to COVID-19...

It would seem that their capital is always Dublin.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/TinyHandRacoonMan
πŸ“…︎ Apr 06 2020
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Oh Dusty.
πŸ‘︎ 39k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/galacticgoosebump
πŸ“…︎ Feb 09 2019
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A pun or two about magicians and their antics

Person 1: What is your opinion on that one classic pulling the bunny out of the hat trick?

Person 2: I think raises some hare-raising questions.

P1: How so?

P2: It just begs the question of how it affects the rabbits themselves. After all, the magicians were pulling them out without a carrot the world.

P1: You raise at interesting point.

P2: We all know it's because of the secret compartment, you know? And, to minimize the suspiciousness of the hat, the compartment is as small as possible?

P1: Yes

P2: It must be very uncomfurtable to be in that space, and then be grabbed by the ears and raised high in front of a crowd. Like, don't get me wrong, I love magic tricks, but I wand to specify that i honestly feel that this trick in particular is quite inhumane.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/SirZbear
πŸ“…︎ Oct 14 2020
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What do gay horses eat?

hayyy

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πŸ‘€︎ u/KellifosIsland23
πŸ“…︎ Jun 07 2020
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TIL the host of Dirty Jobs is now a college proffesor who teaches students about money management and how spending affects the world around them.

The course is called Mike Rowe Economics.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/fatandsalt
πŸ“…︎ Sep 14 2018
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Too much can affect your vowel movements!
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ordinarybloke1963
πŸ“…︎ Nov 20 2018
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I read on The News Yesterday that Dyslexia Affects Ten out of Two People!
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Impalaaaa
πŸ“…︎ Apr 13 2019
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While some say reddit posts don't affect your future, getting reddit gold is really...

Au-spicious.

While this joke is bad, I doubt you've reddit before.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/MatrixCthulhu
πŸ“…︎ Jan 09 2019
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Why did the dog not show his mom any affection?

He didn’t have his Licker license

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Glen_Davis0
πŸ“…︎ Jun 06 2019
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You know what really makes my blood boil?

The vacuum of space.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/DaCaton
πŸ“…︎ May 24 2020
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My friend couldn't afford to pay his water bill.

So I sent him a β€œget well soon” card.

EDIT: HOLY my first award! Thankyou stranger!

πŸ‘︎ 8k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Quint_Cordewener
πŸ“…︎ Jun 06 2019
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How does cocaine affect pigeons?

They fly high

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Crunchy_Ramen
πŸ“…︎ Jan 07 2019
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My wife says I'm more interested in speaking Spanish than showing her affection.

Sounds to me like her confidence has taken hablo.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/TommehBoi
πŸ“…︎ Oct 25 2018
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The Ontario Cannabis Store reported a data breach affecting 4,500 customers

They say the police are trying to weed out the culprit.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Banksy0726
πŸ“…︎ Nov 08 2018
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I heard that during this virus outbreak, we shouldn't use the same faucets as other people.

It's something called social distance sink.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Flamenico
πŸ“…︎ Mar 21 2020
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My wife always gets mad at me and tells me I have poor sense of direction, and it is really affecting our relationship....

So I packed my things and right.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Brescious
πŸ“…︎ Jun 09 2018
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All this stuff about GMO's affecting farmers, but what about tractors? Do you support tractor's rights?
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πŸ‘€︎ u/PyrosEnjoyPieHW2
πŸ“…︎ Apr 23 2016
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My daughter got scared when she had her first period

I told her it was an ovary action.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/milkchaser
πŸ“…︎ Oct 23 2019
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What do talks, lectures and jokes on Reddit all have in common?

They are all free speech!

https://www.battleforthenet.com/

Stop the FCC from removing net neutrality!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/caleb7m
πŸ“…︎ Nov 22 2017
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Why should you walk with your phone every day?

It's a mobile device.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/canyounot--
πŸ“…︎ Jan 10 2020
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My parents were talking about wanting to see a tornado, but not be affected by it.

So I said, "So you wanna see a tornado, in a vacuum?"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Aureperi
πŸ“…︎ Oct 20 2016
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What part of a hippopotamus' brain is most affected by a college education?

The hippocampus.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/csbingel
πŸ“…︎ Dec 06 2015
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Red Skelton's eye exam

To build up my spirits he said, β€œNow, anything can affect your eye. Most anything. Like I’ve got one patient who lost an eye drinking coffee.”

I said, β€œLost an eye drinking coffee?”

He said, β€œYeah, he forgot to take the spoon out of the cup.”

http://red-skelton.info/articles/jokes/red-skeltons-eye-exam/

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πŸ‘€︎ u/tfraymond
πŸ“…︎ Oct 29 2019
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All these Amazon fires have me worried

I hope 2 day shipping isn’t affected.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/djmuhlestein
πŸ“…︎ Aug 25 2019
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My Dad literally just came out with this in the car...

I was explaining the interesting L-glucose thing I saw on Reddit t'other day to my diabetic father.

Dad: oh, so it's Spanish glucose then?

He thought it was great.

Edit: TIL I am a neckbeard-Yorkshireman with a Dad who literally bats for 't'other side' - for anyone still in the dark,"t'other" is contraction of "the other" commonly heard in NE England; it is commonly used elsewhere as a lighthearted/bucolic affectation.

πŸ‘︎ 2k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Squibly_Giblets
πŸ“…︎ Apr 17 2014
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Dad joked my pregnant wife

My wife is going to see a nutritionist to see how her diet can affect the fetus. As she was heading out the door, I said, "Hope your appointment is fruitful!"

She glared as she closed the door.

πŸ‘︎ 1k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/guywithatie
πŸ“…︎ Apr 10 2014
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Have you got a "smart shopper" loyalty card sir?

No, I'm not a smart shopper.

(I do this in front of the soon to be eyerolling wife. My boy still to young to "affect")

(This works where I live since the one grocery chain of stores branded their loyalty card scheme with the name "smart shopper")

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πŸ‘€︎ u/StoolZA
πŸ“…︎ Sep 30 2017
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I went to a cafe and ordered eggs for breakfast this morning and the woman behind the counter asked, "How would you like your eggs cooked?"

"Does it affect the price?" I asked.

"No, not at all." she replied.

"In that case, I'd like them cooked with bacon, sausage and tomato please."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Jun 01 2018
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My dad has come down with a bad case of shingles...

.. which is weird because that usually only affects my roof.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Moe_Bot
πŸ“…︎ May 10 2018
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I used to hear alot of tree puns

Most of them were all bark and no bite, even though they branched out to more deep rooted subjects. Some of the saps had to leave usually. Everyone was oakay in the end though, it left some of us feeling fruity. I was asked how the others were affected, but i told them i wooden know. I bought a wooden tv shortly after but everything was payperview.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/lieghannsheriden
πŸ“…︎ Dec 05 2016
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My DnD party mate will make a fine dad one day

So I'm in this DnD party. There are six of us including the DM. Chris is the DM, and the other major player here is Shawn: what you need to know about him is that his character has three arms, plus a bionic one.

Chris: after Shawn has been attacked by a flying enemy and thrown off a pier So you're now in the water. What are you going to do?

Shawn: Does this affect my bionic arm?

Chris: No, you waterproofed it last session, remember?

Shawn: Oh, right. That's handy.

All: groan

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πŸ‘€︎ u/teuast
πŸ“…︎ May 23 2014
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My wife is gonna make a great dad someday.

So my wife and I are house/petsitting for some friends of ours. They have two cats, and a ten month old German Shepard. Being ten months old, the puppy is still a little rowdy. Tonite, after we took him for a walk, we let him kind of hang out in the house.

He still wanted to play, and jammed his elephant toy in my wife's face as she sat on the couch crocheting. She pulled back and he jammed it into her chest, then released and bit down to get a better grip on the toy.

In doing so he just clipped my wife's ahem nipple. She immediately pushed the dog away and grabbed the affected area. I stood up to help, somehow, and asked her if she was okay.

She looked me straight in the eye and said "Yeah, it's just a little nip." I couldn't be more proud.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/alfrohawk
πŸ“…︎ Jul 24 2014
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