Ginger-bite-us
Taller people sleep longer in bed.
I call it the "Al Gore Rhythm" method.
A real Lebaneezer Scrooge.
It’s a sturgeon general warning.
That’s right!
.... Everyone.
They’re immoovabull.
CROW-VID-19
It would seem that their capital is always Dublin.
Person 1: What is your opinion on that one classic pulling the bunny out of the hat trick?
Person 2: I think raises some hare-raising questions.
P1: How so?
P2: It just begs the question of how it affects the rabbits themselves. After all, the magicians were pulling them out without a carrot the world.
P1: You raise at interesting point.
P2: We all know it's because of the secret compartment, you know? And, to minimize the suspiciousness of the hat, the compartment is as small as possible?
P1: Yes
P2: It must be very uncomfurtable to be in that space, and then be grabbed by the ears and raised high in front of a crowd. Like, don't get me wrong, I love magic tricks, but I wand to specify that i honestly feel that this trick in particular is quite inhumane.
The course is called Mike Rowe Economics.
Au-spicious.
While this joke is bad, I doubt you've reddit before.
He didn’t have his Licker license
The vacuum of space.
So I sent him a “get well soon” card.
EDIT: HOLY my first award! Thankyou stranger!
Sounds to me like her confidence has taken hablo.
They say the police are trying to weed out the culprit.
It's something called social distance sink.
So I packed my things and right.
But turns out it makes a pretty vas deferens
I told her it was an ovary action.
They are all free speech!
https://www.battleforthenet.com/
Stop the FCC from removing net neutrality!
It's a mobile device.
To build up my spirits he said, “Now, anything can affect your eye. Most anything. Like I’ve got one patient who lost an eye drinking coffee.”
I said, “Lost an eye drinking coffee?”
He said, “Yeah, he forgot to take the spoon out of the cup.”
http://red-skelton.info/articles/jokes/red-skeltons-eye-exam/
I hope 2 day shipping isn’t affected.
I was explaining the interesting L-glucose thing I saw on Reddit t'other day to my diabetic father.
Dad: oh, so it's Spanish glucose then?
He thought it was great.
Edit: TIL I am a neckbeard-Yorkshireman with a Dad who literally bats for 't'other side' - for anyone still in the dark,"t'other" is contraction of "the other" commonly heard in NE England; it is commonly used elsewhere as a lighthearted/bucolic affectation.
My wife is going to see a nutritionist to see how her diet can affect the fetus. As she was heading out the door, I said, "Hope your appointment is fruitful!"
She glared as she closed the door.
No, I'm not a smart shopper.
(I do this in front of the soon to be eyerolling wife. My boy still to young to "affect")
(This works where I live since the one grocery chain of stores branded their loyalty card scheme with the name "smart shopper")
"Does it affect the price?" I asked.
"No, not at all." she replied.
"In that case, I'd like them cooked with bacon, sausage and tomato please."
.. which is weird because that usually only affects my roof.
Most of them were all bark and no bite, even though they branched out to more deep rooted subjects. Some of the saps had to leave usually. Everyone was oakay in the end though, it left some of us feeling fruity. I was asked how the others were affected, but i told them i wooden know. I bought a wooden tv shortly after but everything was payperview.
So I'm in this DnD party. There are six of us including the DM. Chris is the DM, and the other major player here is Shawn: what you need to know about him is that his character has three arms, plus a bionic one.
Chris: after Shawn has been attacked by a flying enemy and thrown off a pier So you're now in the water. What are you going to do?
Shawn: Does this affect my bionic arm?
Chris: No, you waterproofed it last session, remember?
Shawn: Oh, right. That's handy.
All: groan
So my wife and I are house/petsitting for some friends of ours. They have two cats, and a ten month old German Shepard. Being ten months old, the puppy is still a little rowdy. Tonite, after we took him for a walk, we let him kind of hang out in the house.
He still wanted to play, and jammed his elephant toy in my wife's face as she sat on the couch crocheting. She pulled back and he jammed it into her chest, then released and bit down to get a better grip on the toy.
In doing so he just clipped my wife's ahem nipple. She immediately pushed the dog away and grabbed the affected area. I stood up to help, somehow, and asked her if she was okay.
She looked me straight in the eye and said "Yeah, it's just a little nip." I couldn't be more proud.
