But it's not the funniest: it doesn't have that rye sense of humor.
PunGent
Tried posting in Dad jokes sub and I guess it was the wrong place for a triple pun.
Rudeolph.
A polightning
They were walking across the road one day and Crap fell down, so Shutup went to get help. He comes across a policeman and he asks Shutup, "What's your name?"
He replies, "Shutup".
The policeman :"Hey, where are you manners?!"
Shutup says, "Outside on the road picking up crap"
all manner of scary, haunting things are happening to me. I may have a poultrygeist.
They show no merci.
Thankenstien...
I was giving her a toot-orial
Live long and proper.
...Genteel.
... we're Back to the Few Churls."
A. Teach it proper manners!
He's ill-mannered!
Without hesitating, I respond, "You know, that's knot in a cord with what most people call good manners."
Back a few decades, I was working in a program with a local college in the Middle East.
The name of the program for ExPats has the clever acronym of "IDEA" (hey, I said it was clever); which stands for "Inter-Departmental Educational Adjunct". It's interdepartmental because my particular specialty not only covers field geology but also paleontology and a bit of archeology thrown in for good measure. Everyone hopes to have a good IDEA...
ahem...
Well, we saddle up and head for the Dune Sea out in the west of the country, where the Precambrian, Cambrian, Silurian, Cretaceous, Pliocene, Pleistocene, and Holocene crop out and access is relatively easy and non-injurious.
Well, we caravan out, some 30 Land Cruisers, Nissan patrol, and the odd Mitsubishi Galloper strong. We all get our maps, compasses and split up into 5 or 6 special interest groups ("SIG's"); where each IDEA has his own GPS and LIDAR laser ranging apparatus. Reason being, that there are very few benchmarks out in the desert, and even those are constantly at the mercy of the shifting and ever-blowing sands.
Since we're split into groups and at any one time, ranging up to and including some 50 km2, when a real find is located, a device called the "DIME" (Digital-Interface Monitor Encoder) is attached and programmed into the GPS for location later; it is a digital sort of low-frequency transponder, developed from technology used by offshore drillers and jacket setters where benchmarks are even more transitory.
The way it works is rather simple. When something is to be marked for later retrieval, a series of wooden posts are pounded in a triangular manner around the find and the DIME is set, programmed with the GPS and attached to one or more of the posts.
That's the theory, at least.
Everything works well, especially all the hardened electronics and computer gizmos, but attaching the DIME to the stakes is the real problem. It can't be nailed, screwed or fastened with any sort of metal contrivance as that farkles the magnetic field and causes all sorts of goofy spurious signals. Zip ties don't last long in the heat and duct tape is right out. Many sites have been lost to the shifting sands this way.
Velcro doesn't work too well, as the sand fills the hooks of the receiving piece of velcro and soon renders it useless. String or fishing line work, but that's temporary (they melt). Glue or mastic are out as these are supposed to be temporary. Even plastic sleeves don't work due to the heat out
... keep reading on reddit ➡Hi. My name is DAK. A piece of string walks into a bar. The bartender says “sorry sir we don’t serve string here”. He then proceeds to tie him into a knot and throw in outside. Whilst outside, a pack of feral canines attack the piece of string until his fibers are loosened in a disheveled manner. The piece of string them proceeds to re enter the bar in need of medical assistance. “Hey, aren’t you the string I just threw out?” Asks the bartender. “No sir,” replies the string, “I’m a frayed knot”
The Duke of Dance: If i don't stop soon, you're really gonna have a bone to pick with me.
The Duke of Dance: I need to stop being such a numbskull.
The Duke of Dance: help.
Sans: I gotta write these down.
The Duke of Dance: I don't have enough backbone to deal with my own shit
The Duke of Dance: but that's tibea expected.
Sans: I find this humerus.
The Duke of Dance: damn
The Duke of Dance: stole my next one.
The Duke of Dance: I'm not fibulaing you when i say, i'm running out of material. I'm really trying to think of more puns here, but i'm patellaing you, i'm out.
Sans: I don't even know this many bone names.
The Duke of Dance: My cranium is empty. i'm running bone-dry here.
The Duke of Dance: But you'r quite sternum in your wanting of these puns.
The Duke of Dance: don't worry, i'll stop temporalily. Not really tho.
The Duke of Dance: I'm taking these puns to the maxilla.
Sans: Can you make a pelvis pun?
The Duke of Dance: Not really. I can't think of any. So no hip hip hooray here.
Sans: That was alright.
The Duke of Dance: Are you having a femury time?
The Duke of Dance: I find myself sacruming to the need to make puns.
The Duke of Dance: helpican'tstop
Sans: I'm having a pun time.
The Duke of Dance: I'm gonna turbinate my puns, cuz i'm on my last leg-bones here.
The Duke of Dance: i'm getting desperate, you can tell.
The Duke of Dance: I didn't name a specific bone.
The Duke of Dance: Which is almost completely mandableitory.
The Duke of Dance: I have made more puns tonight than i have in a LONG time.
The Duke of Dance: Throw me a bone here, have i made enough skeleton puns?
Sans: There will never be enough skeleton puns. Mind makin' a list for me?
The Duke of Dance: Do
The Duke of Dance: Do you want me to write everything i just said down for you?
The Duke of Dance: I'm quivering at the thought of coming up with more skeleton puns.
Sans: I don't see any arrows.
Sans: Don't be a lazy bones, come up with more.
The Duke of Dance: I'll see you later, my vertebrah.
Sans: Have you any backbone?
The Duke of Dance: I already made that one.
The Duke of Dance: :3
Sans: SCREW IT, I'M MAKING ANOTHER
The Duke of Dance: Not so easy coming up with fresh material, is it?
The Duke of Dance: Also, "quiver" is another name for one of your joints.
The Duke of Dance: I'm just really looking at medical sites for this shit.
Sans: CURSE YOU GOOGLE.
The Duke of Dance: it's tibea expected. <Favorite skeleton pun, using it again
... keep reading on reddit ➡Driving into work, we see a vehicle with stickers for oars/boats on it placed in a horizontal manner.
Wife: "Looks like that guy likes to row."
Me: "Huh. I prefer columns myself."
Wife: (groan) "So, you like to column?"
Me: "Yeah, on the phone. I leave a message if I can't get a hold of 'em."
Wife: (GROAN) "You're the worst...but I love you."
Unfortunately they had to cancel. Luckily I found a replacement at the last minute. This new guy was amazing. He looked the part, sang all the songs exactly, and even his mannerisms were spot on.
After the party I went up to the replacement and asked how much I owed him for the gig. He said, "Don't worry mate, I'm pro Bono."
He was carrying on about the game in a manner the tv announcers would. Me: "Wow Dad you would make a great commentator." Dad: "Maybe, but I'm not your every day potato."
While sitting at the table eating dinner, my mother pointed her fork at my father saying "Fork you!"
My father replied, "That's not very knife! Hopefully spoon you will learn your manners!"
I have an autistic student who doesn't pick up on sarcasm, social cues and the like.
We were painting paper mache volcanoes that we made. Another staff member says "Don't put too much paint on because it will run."
Without missing a beat the student asks (in a serious manner) "How can it run if it doesn't have legs?"
He was the cool guy teacher, so all the guys were always all buddy buddy with him. We would generally speak to him in a less professional manner. One day I said "hey teacher, I'm gonna go take a piss." To which he promptly responded, "You might want to leave one instead."
The plane started losing altitude pretty rapidly at point during the flight. Thankfully, it was in a controlled manner, and only toward the end once we'd reached the airport.
Now, I am not a dad, but I told my father this joke and he giggled, so I feel like it still counts as a dad joke. In a unit on wave mechanics, my class was discussing pendulums. As we talked about pendulums and how they related to wave mechanics, my buddy said, in a contemplative manner, "I just don't know what to think about pendulums." I responded, "So you could say, your thoughts have gone back and forth on the matter." Many groans were had.
Tim Horton's should play music by The Who and The Guess Who. Whenever someone is asked "Guess Who is playing this music" or "Who is playing this music", especially to younger people that don't listen to classic rock, they might not know. You can tell them, in a real coy (not Real McCoy) manner, that it is what Horton hears in the Dr. Seuss books. If they guess correctly, they could win a prize. If not, tell them either to really "Guess Who is playing this music" or "Who is playing this music", and see if they catch on.
*The idea for this is from listening to all the times my dad would make us Guess Who was playing the song in the car or he would say Who is playing this song right now and we would guess incorrectly until we caught on. It's a long running dad joke, so you better catch it before it takes off.
I deliver pizza for a living and I showed up at the door, as is my wont, with one hand holding the pizza bag and the other holding the receipt. On opening the door, I greeted the pater familia and told him the amount I was owed. He gave me the money and I handed him the receipt so I could free up my hands to pull the pizza out of the bag, saying offhandedly, "Here you go," indicating the receipt. The patriarch then looked at the menu bemusedly and remarked, "Hmm, seems a little light." It took me a little to figure out the joke was supposed to be that he thought the menu accompanying the receipt was the entire delivery.
On noticing my delayed reaction, the daughter of the house proceeded to put her hand to her face in a manner not unlike our dear Snoo at the top of this page. I've been delivering for two years now--that was easily the lamest, most Dad-like joke I have ever come across.
I just texted my dad, "can i call you when i get out of work?" (Nothing serious) I'm at work right now and the way we file prospect students in the admissions office i work at is by the last three letters of their last name and the first letter of their first name. Before my dad could answer in dad-ways, i read the next file and it said "KAN U". I rolled my eyes when i heard my dad say "I don't know, can you?" In my mind.
The message had already been sent and dad's were uniting.
You guessed it, he replied in exactly that manner.
If you don't understand English grammar, which most people don't, I should have said "may I?"
My sister and I were fighting (in a lighthearted manner) and she was trying to get pen marks on my arms. I picked up her guitar and used it to protect myself from her ink attacks. She got mad and said, "That's worth $200!"
Then I replied, "That's a pretty expensive pen."
She started laughing and I had time to escape... I dad-joked my way out of a predicament!
Pungent.
