Documenting Puns

I guess you could say it’s my signature move.

I told him to file them as Mussollaneous.

I don’t want him to spreadsheet about me.

They also have Alien, Alien 3 and Alien Resurrection - all on DVD.

A paradox.

It was a typo.

With an X.

Bernadette

Where there’s a will, there’s a whey.

The doctor said it's because I'm an anti-faxxer.

Because attachments are forbidden.

Word.

The Cyantific Method!

I can and I will.

The poor man dyed a loan.

In his dairy!

Because they spread sheet

pedofile

But I’ve never heard of that religion before.

Bro, sure

I soon discovered that I had made a gross error of judgment.

Contract lenses.

"Why wasn't the document allowed at the children's party?"

Because he was a PDF File!

"This is where the Magna Carta was signed," said the tour guide, "One the most important documents in English History."

"When was it signed?" asked Paddy.

"1215," said the tour guide.

"OH NO!" said Paddy, "We missed it by 10 minutes!"

He’s a contract killer.

Everytime I try to talk to him he's lost in translation.

Because he thinks he’s a prr-inter.

Papal clips.

Bill and his friend Dave both needed to get some legal documents notarized, so they went to the notary together. Bill asked the notary if he could go first because Dave had quite a few items and Bill had one. The notary said, “Sorry. You sign affidavit.”

Now it is his Word against mine.

So they could get shredded

It was Sir Cumference.

Because you can't send Dalai Lama an email with attachments

So today at work, my boss asked us to skim through a document regarding a new/old procedure. When she finished I ask if I could almond milk it since I don't drink dairy.

They actually laughed.

I don't know if I should feel proud or embarrassed for them that they thought it was actually funny.

Maybe a bit of a and b.

So I'm working a summer desk job where one of my duties is to print and cut out stencils to use in labeling materials. I open up the stencils file so I can use an existing document and make sure I get the formatting right.

I was going to pick the first one when one near the bottom stood out. The document was named "Walrus". None of what the business does deals with aquatic life. All the other things are named after what they are, such as "Sheets" "Towels" etc. So, for curiosity's sake, I had to open the document--

And the stencil said "5-Foot Seal". I groaned at my desk.

Because they're not supposed to have any attachments!

RETIRED HUSBAND

After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to WalMart. Unfortunately, like most men; I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women - she loves to browse. Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter, from the local WalMart:

Dear Mrs. Harris:

Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion, in our store.

We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to, ban both of you from the store.

Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Harris, are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras:

1. June 15: He took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people's carts when they weren't looking.

2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

3. July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom.

4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, 'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away'. This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted with a union grievance, causing management to lose time and costing the company money. We don't have a Code 3.

5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on layaway.

6. August 14: Moved a, 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department to which twenty children obliged.

8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?' EMTs were called.

9. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.

10. September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.

11. October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while, loudly humming the, 'Mission Impossible' theme.

12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his, 'Madonna Look' using different sizes of funnels.

13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'

14. October 22: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed;

'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!'

15. Took a bo

Me: signs document

Banker: "Oh, sorry, you also have to swear to the information on this paper"

Me: "Well, that's kinda weird."

Banker: "Yeah, since this is a sworn document, you have to swear. It's weird, I know."

holds up piece of paper and makes a concentrated face

"Fuck!"

I don’t want him to spreadsheet about me.