From my 9 year old son: Dad, what hand do you wipe your bum with? Me: My right hand......
Response: EEEEEEEERRRRRRRRR, I use toilet paper.
Well played, boy.
π︎ 2k
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︎ Apr 28 2021
I told my daughter, βGo to bed, the cows are sleeping in the field.β Puzzled, she asked, βWhatβs that got to do with anything?β I chuckled, "Well, that means..."
"Itβs pasture bedtime!β
π︎ 14k
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︎ Mar 26 2021
Perfect for the kids - what do you call a bear with no teeth?!
π︎ 2k
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︎ Apr 20 2021
What do you call a Jedi with four eyes?
π︎ 788
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︎ Apr 13 2021
What do you call someone who can't stop watching films with strong female leads?
π︎ 10k
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︎ Mar 04 2021
What do you call an honest trans person with kids?
π︎ 60
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︎ Apr 30 2021
What do you call an acid with a bad attitude?
π︎ 25
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︎ Apr 29 2021
What do you call a person with epilepsy laying on a bed of lettuce?
π︎ 226
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︎ Apr 02 2021
9yo shared this one with me: What do you call a cow who just had a baby?
De-calf-inated!
Edit: it's been pointed out some people pronounce calf as cΔlf, so its taking a second. Pronounce it like decaffeinated coffee.
π︎ 2k
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︎ Feb 24 2021
What do you call a fish with no eyes?
A fsh
Was my kids' favorite while growing up
π︎ 29
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︎ May 02 2021
How many problems do people have with Comcast?
π︎ 20
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︎ Apr 23 2021
From my daughter: Who do marshmallows like to hang out with at Easter?
π︎ 32
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︎ Apr 27 2021
I told my son, look the church has locked up the door and turned off their lights. He said, what's that got to do with anything? I said well,...
π︎ 280
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︎ Mar 26 2021
What do you call a Roman with a cold?
π︎ 3
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︎ May 02 2021
What do you get when you mix an elephant with a rhino?
π︎ 2
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︎ May 04 2021
what do you call a reptile with a stock portfolio? an invested-gator
or when he shows up immediately? an insta-gator
and if he's well-dressed? and in-vest-gator
π︎ 2
π
︎ Apr 24 2021
What do you call a fish with a bowtie?
π︎ 58
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︎ Apr 13 2021
What do you get when you cross a potato with a penis?
π︎ 4
π
︎ Apr 26 2021
What do you call a dinosaur with boobs?
π︎ 9
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︎ Apr 23 2021
What do you call a cow with no legs?
Ground beef.
What do you call a cow with two legs?
Lean beef.
What do you call a dog with no legs?
Doesn't matter, it's not coming.
π︎ 5
π
︎ May 03 2021
Singers might open doors with their talents, but thieves can do it off key.
π︎ 6
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︎ Mar 31 2021
What do people buying bread have in common with people who are selling bread?
They both want each otherβs dough.
π︎ 15
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︎ Apr 09 2021
What do you call an angry man with a mustache?
π︎ 13
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︎ Apr 28 2021
Do you want hair, with more volume?
πππ
π£HAAAAIIIIIRπ£
π︎ 316
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︎ Feb 18 2021
What do you call a pencil with two erasers?
π︎ 15
π
︎ May 03 2021
What do you call a scotchman with diarrhea?
π︎ 22
π
︎ Mar 22 2021
What do you get if you cross a dog with a vegetable?
π︎ 7
π
︎ Apr 20 2021
What do you do with a dog without legs?
You drag it around the block
π︎ 5
π
︎ Apr 27 2021
I was out by the street trying to hitchhike but every single car I stuck my thumb out for just passed me by. I began to wonder if it had something to do with the cargo shorts I was wearing.
So I went home and put on some carstop shorts, and had much better success at hitchhiking after that.
π︎ 74
π
︎ Apr 20 2021
What do you call a man with no arms or legs?
π︎ 2
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︎ Apr 23 2021
What do you call a monk with a pilot license?
π︎ 9
π
︎ May 03 2021
Where do you find a dog with no legs?
π︎ 50
π
︎ Mar 23 2021
Where do you find a cow with no legs ?
Exactly where you left it.
π︎ 34
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︎ Apr 02 2021
Being on a diet has pushed me to do some very regrettable things. For example, last week my wife caught me cheating with 5 guys.
Their burgers are simply irresistible
π︎ 11
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︎ Apr 28 2021
Why do girls with daddy issues like guys with dad bods?
Theyβre just looking for a father figure
π︎ 72
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︎ Mar 24 2021
What do a dictionary and a sailor with Tourettes have in common?
π︎ 3
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︎ May 03 2021
What do you call a bounty hunter with no underwear?
π︎ 135
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︎ Feb 26 2021
What do you call bears with no ears?
π︎ 47
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︎ Mar 18 2021
What do you get when you cross a Vegetable Patch with a Dinosaur?
π︎ 7
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︎ Apr 26 2021
What do you call a killer with an attiude?
π︎ 3
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︎ May 02 2021
I never thought about what to do with a telescope if I got one.
I guess I should look into it.
π︎ 6
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︎ Apr 27 2021
What do you call a depressed man with a robotic arm?
π︎ 13k
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︎ Nov 10 2020
How do you communicate with horses?
π︎ 6
π
︎ Apr 10 2021
What do you call a bear with no teeth?
π︎ 17
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︎ Apr 30 2021
What do you call a bear with no teeth?
π︎ 10
π
︎ Apr 30 2021
What do you call a Roman with a cold?
π︎ 9
π
︎ May 02 2021
What do you call a fish with no eye?
π︎ 20
π
︎ Apr 03 2021
I told my daughter, "Go to bed, the cows are sleeping in the field." She said, "What's that got to do with anything?"
I said "That means it's pasture bedtime."
π︎ 23k
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︎ Nov 15 2020
What do you call a dog, with no legs?
It doesnt matter, he is not coming
π︎ 5
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︎ Apr 08 2021
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