Did I tell you guys about the side-hustle plan I came up with? Iβm going to do personal training for the band that recorded βLolaβ and βYou Really Got Meβ. Itβs a good plan...
I just have to work out a few Kinks.
π︎ 5
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︎ Mar 26 2021
Iβm a proud dad. My daughter just told me this joke. In Hawaii, do people laugh loud?
Or is it a low ha (Aloha)
π︎ 24
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︎ Feb 02 2021
4 year-old daughter: Daddy, do you know what I'm going to name this cow from Chick-fil-a?
Moovie!
One man-tear was shed.
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︎ Feb 22 2021
The more I think about counterfeiting coins, the more I think Iβm going to do it.
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︎ Jan 19 2021
What do you call a snake that's exactly 3.14 m. long?
π︎ 13
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︎ Jan 20 2021
Me: So, what do you do for a living? Ornithologist: Well, Iβm an ornithologist.
Me: Oh, really? Knock, knock!
Ornithologist: Whoβs there?
Me: Woodpeckers.
Ornithologist: Woodpeckers who?
Me: No, thatβs the owl. And you call yourself an ornithologist?
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︎ Jan 02 2021
I'm writing about all the things I should do before I die
π︎ 32
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︎ Nov 24 2020
Iβm going to open a restaurant that doesnβt do anything to prevent spreading the pandemic
Itβs called Thai Food Mary
π︎ 27
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︎ Nov 08 2020
A, B, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K, L, M, N, O, P, Q, R, S, T, U, V, W, X, Y, & Z are all racists.. How do I know?
Because they're all not 'C's.
π︎ 10k
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︎ Dec 11 2019
Iβm such a state! What will Della wear to the picnic? And who else will be there? What will we do?
I think Texas coming. What will Delaware? I donβt know, Alaska! Iowa thanks to you for bringing this up! Maybe we can play some Tennessee? Indiana just donβt think weβll know what to expect. Like last time, we donβt know Michigan.
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︎ Nov 17 2020
Son: Dad, do you have another blanket by you? Iβm cold
Dad: Go stand in the corner son, itβs 90Β° over there
π︎ 36
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︎ Sep 01 2020
Son: Dad what are you going to do today? Dad: Well first I'm going to get a pair of glasses. Son: And after that?
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︎ Sep 12 2020
I'm a teacher and I like to do superhero impressions before class to put students in a good mood.
The other day I told them I was going to do an imitation of Batman, so I started off with:
"Arghβ¦ kryptonite, getting weakerβ¦"
"THAT'S SUPERMAN!" a student in the back row yelled
"Thanks man, I've been practicing a lot", I replied.
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︎ Aug 01 2020
What do you say to a teenager that woke up at 3:00 A.M?
What are you doing up so oily?
π︎ 4
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︎ Sep 21 2020
Wife: Iβm not in the mood to do my homework. Me: Just phone it in and do C-work. Wife: I donβt know how to do C-Work.
Me: step 1, buy a boat.
Just happened. Not an official dad yet but sheβs 6 months pregnant. Got to get the practice in while I can.
π︎ 14
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︎ May 28 2020
Apparently thereβs a group down the street thatβs amazing at grabbing things, but they refuse to do it when Iβm around.
They never seize to amaze me
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︎ Jul 25 2020
I'm sorry man, I had to do it
π︎ 16
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︎ Apr 17 2020
My wife said I should put the mask on if I'm leaving the house - and so I always do.
But my dog has to be so sick of that stupid movie by now.
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︎ Apr 11 2020
Of course I'm not. I'm going to stay at home. That has nothing to do with the lockdown though!
π︎ 12
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︎ Apr 03 2020
Hey dad, Iβm gonna go do some yoga want to come?
π︎ 6
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︎ Apr 21 2020
Who is Fleur Ting, and why do people assume Iβm her while I talk to girls?
π︎ 3
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︎ Feb 15 2020
I'm here to make a serious complaint about my local subway. Generally they do a good job, but I today I did an online order (so I didnt SEE them make anything). I didnt unwrap it in the store to check (because who does that), but when I got home it was absolutely not what I ordered.
π︎ 10
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︎ Feb 13 2020
I asked my wife, β Iβm thinking of starting an exercise routine. What do you suggest?β
Her: Why donβt you try lunges?
Me: That sounds like a huge step.
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︎ Sep 27 2019
Student (after being absent): I'm back. Do I have any make-up work?
Teacher: Yeah, go home and practice your mascara.
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︎ Mar 19 2020
I'm wondering what to do about my area of land
It's just a lot to consider
π︎ 15
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︎ Nov 08 2019
I was in a cab one time and got curious. I asked the cabbie if he liked his job. He said, βOh sure. Iβm out of the house, away from my nagging wife and I donβt have anyone telling me what to do.β
I told him, βTurn right at the next corner.β
π︎ 10
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︎ Jan 02 2020
I'm thinking of buying this wardrobe what do you guys think?
π︎ 6
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︎ Sep 17 2019
Windmill number 1 asked windmill number 2 βwhat kind of music do you listen to?β Windmill 2 responded βIβm a huge metal fanβ
π︎ 39
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︎ Sep 09 2019
Do you guys know that Stephen King has a son named Joe King? I'm not joking, but his son is.
π︎ 54
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︎ Jan 07 2019
βJerr, why do you think Iβm so annoyed right now?β, she said.
π︎ 8
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︎ Dec 12 2019
Why do people keep asking me what I'm going to be doing in 5 years?
It's not like I have 2020 vision.
π︎ 4k
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︎ Mar 18 2015
Wife: Honey Iβm pregnant. Me: Wellβ¦. what do we do now?
Wife: Well, I guess we should go to a baby doctor.
Me: Hm.. I think Iβd be a lot more comfortable going to an adult doctor.
π︎ 13
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︎ Nov 02 2019
I was in a taxi today and the driver said, "I love my job. I'm my own boss. Nobody tells me what to do."
Then I said, "Turn left here!"
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︎ Sep 27 2019
"Hey I'm not paying you to sit around and do nothing" "Dad, you're not paying me at all"
"That's what I just said. I'm not paying you now get back to work"
π︎ 17
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︎ Sep 20 2019
"Why do you keep telling me to do chores when I'm watching Star Wars?"
π︎ 18
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︎ Sep 13 2019
Growing up I couldnβt do math unless I was sitting in someoneβs lap. When I was younger it was never a problem finding someone that would let me sit on their lap, but now that Iβm older...
I canβt count on anyone
π︎ 26
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︎ Aug 23 2019
So Iβm dating a stripper and my mom asked, βdo you think thatβs a good idea?β I said, βno itβs a whoreibble ideaβ
π︎ 5
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︎ Jun 13 2019
Me: Dad, Mum, Iβm gay Dad: *clenches fists* Mum: Sweetie no do-
π︎ 7
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︎ Oct 06 2019
Iβm so poor, I canβt go see the world. The best that I can do...
...is visiting Amazon while on Safari.
π︎ 13
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︎ Jun 24 2019
I'm a fan of the classic dad jokes. "Where do Dads store their jokes?"
π︎ 21
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︎ Feb 12 2019
Someone told me I'm always second guessing myself. I don't do that.
π︎ 7
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︎ Jul 18 2019
My nosy neighbor asked me what I do for work now that I'm no longer an actor.
I told him, "Not show business."
π︎ 9
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︎ Mar 27 2019
Why do I find W's in my M&M pack?
π︎ 4
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︎ Jun 25 2019
"Whenever we drive past a graveyard my dad says, 'Do you know why I canβt be buried there?' And we all say, 'Why not?' And he says, 'Because Iβm not dead yet!'β
π︎ 10
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︎ Mar 20 2019
I took Uber yesterday. The driver said, βI love my job. Iβm my own boss. No one tells me what to do.β
I said, βPlease turn left.β
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︎ Jul 03 2018
I'm off to do a crossword now
π︎ 4
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︎ Jul 16 2019
My son's teacher said I'm educating my son well, and to continue to do what i was doing at home...
Guess I wont stop beating him then...
π︎ 5
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︎ Dec 19 2018
I have a plan for a new side-hustle. Iβm gonna do personal training for members of the band that recorded βLolaβ and βYou Really Got Meβ. Itβs a good plan...
I just have to work out a few Kinks.
π︎ 6
π
︎ Feb 15 2021
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