Table at work is distressed wood. m.imgur.com/SlPEYFD
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πŸ‘€︎ u/annamal
πŸ“…︎ Mar 26 2014
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What's the opposite of a damsel in distress?

A man in that dress!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/bananaphone93
πŸ“…︎ Jan 05 2021
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I had some serious emotional distress while going to the bathroom the other day.

It was some heavy shit.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/totally80s
πŸ“…︎ Mar 10 2020
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Over the holidays my wife is in distress.

I told her to calm down and put dat other one on.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Artiquecircle
πŸ“…︎ Dec 27 2017
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Currently outside with my girls.

2 year old was running and a bee started flying across her path. She stopped, pointed at it and made a semi distressed, "uuh uuh!" sound. I told her, "You're ok .....just let it bee."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Superj89
πŸ“…︎ May 24 2020
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Wife: I'm not a damsel in distress. Me:...

Nope, you're a damsel in dem shorts.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ThisIsMyNewUserID
πŸ“…︎ Jun 08 2015
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What’s purple and screams?

A damson in distress.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/shotgun883
πŸ“…︎ Apr 11 2020
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if someone leaves you some designer clothes in their will, do they count as dead giveaways?
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πŸ‘€︎ u/orangepek0e
πŸ“…︎ Dec 18 2018
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Three little pigs

Once upon a time there were three little pigs, Pork Chop, Hambone, and Bacon.

The boys lived at home with their mother. One day their mother said, β€œI no longer have enough food to feed you boys, you need to go out on your own and find your fortunes.”

Not wanting to upset their mother they left the house together to seek their fortunes.

Several miles into their journey Bacon, the little pig everyone liked best, said, β€œLet’s build our houses here! This seems like a great place to start making our fortunes.”

Pork Chop and Hambone agreed. So they all began building their houses.

Pork Chop, the laziest of the bunch, decided to build his house out of straw, which he apparently stole from a nearby field. It was not a very sturdy building material, but Pork Chop didn’t care. All he wanted to do was play all day, and he didn’t want to spend too much time building.

Hambone was willing to work a bit harder and he decided to build his house out of sticks which he procured by de-limbing every tree within a 300 meter radius of their homestead.

Hambone and Pork Chop were happy. Now all they had to do was to play and sleep the rest of the day.

Now Bacon was a hard worker. He knew that his brothers had used bad materials and shoddy construction methods and he wanted to build the best house he could. He found several tons of bricks stacked in neatly ordered pallets in the forest which he decided to use for his building material. It took him several days, but when he was done Bacon had the best house on the homestead.

The next day a wolf, Scott Howard, happened upon the pig brothers and their new homestead. He spied the straw house and smelled Pork Chop inside and began to think to himself that Pork Chop would make a mighty fine meal, so Scott went and knocked on the door.

Scott said, β€œLittle Pig! Little Pig! Let me in!”

Pork Chop replied, β€œNo way JosΓ©! Not by the hairs on my chinny chin chin!”

Scott, undeterred by the reply says, β€œThen I’ll huff, and I’ll puff, and I’ll blow your crappy straw house to the ground!”

Scott began to huff and puff. He was evidently having some sort of asthma attack, but after a few tugs from his handy dandy rescue inhaler, he was able to muster enough wind to blow Pork Chops straw house to the ground.

Pork Chop narrowly escaped Scott’s massive jaws. Scared, and now homeless, Pork Chop ran for the nearest shelter he could see. Hambone’s house.

Scott, undeterred, chased Pork Chop to his new hiding place. Scott was very pleas

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/RageMonster17
πŸ“…︎ Jan 14 2019
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Two hillbillies walk into a restaurant...

While having a bite to eat, they talk about their moonshine operation.

Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough. After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress. One of the hillbillies looks at her and says, 'Kin ya swallar?'

The woman shakes her head no. Then he asks, 'Kin ya breathe?'

The woman begins to turn blue, and shakes her head no.

The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up her dress, yanks down her drawers, and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue.

The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm, and the obstruction flies out of her mouth. As she begins to breathe again, the Hillbilly walks slowly back to his table. His partner says, 'Ya know, I'd heerd of that there 'Hind Lick Maneuver' but I never seed nobody done it.'

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πŸ‘€︎ u/shimaxed
πŸ“…︎ May 12 2019
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I finally got one of my own - feels good, man.

My two-year-old son was trying desperately to reach something on the countertop and becoming quite distressed.

It turns out that he just really, really wanted the potato peeler.

"Well, here you go, son," I said, as I handed it to him, "but I don't see what the big draw is - I mean, it's not even a'peelin'."


I'm dying over here, and he's just wandered off to try to peel the rug.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/subdudeman
πŸ“…︎ Sep 27 2013
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What do you call a coin that’s in peril?

A dime-sel in distress!

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πŸ“…︎ Feb 15 2019
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What do you call a ghost in need of help?

A damned soul in distress

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Holyragdoll
πŸ“…︎ Sep 25 2018
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Got a guy my age in math

We are sitting in a group of four, and then the trouble kid, "Anthony" complains.

"Anthony" (obviously distressed) : wow I'm cold -- I'm frozen!

Me : Nice to meet you, cold extends hand for handshake

A: groans I also said I was frozen

M: Last I checked, you're not a Disney movie

Whole table groaned. Except me

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Mattofam
πŸ“…︎ Oct 21 2016
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Pressure

My girlfriend was talking about how she's looking forward to going away and just having some time to herself with no external pressure.

I told her she'd still have to deal with 1 bar.

She looked confused.

I added: "1 bar of pressure".

She looked distressed.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/captain_wiggles_
πŸ“…︎ Sep 19 2014
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Could've just asked the concierge.

I was at the airport waiting for my flight home the other night when over the P.A they asked everyone from flight DJ-478 to Sydney to make their way to the service desk, so myself and my fellow passengers make our way over to the desk, where the very embarrassed and obviously distressed desk worker informs us that our flight has been cancelled, and the next one isn't till the morning, she then tells us that the airport will happily put us up in the 5 star hotel around the corner, and have us dropped back at the airport at 7am the following morning. Most the people there accepted this, after the desk lady told us it was for our personal safety and that there wasn't a lot more they could do, except this one particular gentleman, who storms over to the desk, and tells the woman that he needed to be in sydney tonight, and demands a flight be made available. (It's like 9:30 by this point, surely it could wait till the morning?). After again apologizing to the man, she tells him that won't be possible, and she sends us all on our way to the shuttle bus, with our bags already on there, and off we go to the hotel. The entire bus trip this guy carried on whinging and swearing, getting angrier and angrier by the second. We get to the hotel, and he's about 30 people behind the front of the queue to check in, and he gets impatient with the time it's taking, and again, storms his way up the line, past me (I was at the front), walks over to the desk, slams his fist down and says to the woman behind the desk "I want the biggest room you have, I want it in the next 30 seconds or so help me god, you aren't gonna like what happens", the woman looked up at him and said "Sir, the airport has paid for the rooms we already have organized, if you'll take your place back in line, we'll be with you as soon as we can", the guy got really angry about being asked to move back to his spot, he threw his bag down, and yelled at the woman, "Fuck this, call me a taxi, right fucking now, I'll find somewhere else to stay", that's when i decided to step in.

I said. "Oh okay then, you're a taxi".

He took his place back in line pretty quick.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/iCappa
πŸ“…︎ Jul 22 2013
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Our cat has been stuck inside for a string of rainy days...

Me: "He looks kind of distressed. I think he misses going outside."

Dad: "He must have a bad case of cat-in fever!" (Chuckles to self for the next several minutes)

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πŸ‘€︎ u/dachit
πŸ“…︎ Oct 14 2013
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My dad said this of me awhile back

While in the car:

Me: Dad I'm in distress.

Dad: Why are you in distress, I thought you are in the car.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/redears1
πŸ“…︎ Sep 29 2014
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Grandpa at the hospital

My girlfriend's grandpa had a stroke. At the hospital, they were asking him some questions to see if he knew what was going on. The nurse asks him: "What state you are in?" He responds: "I'm in a state of distress!"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/vandosant
πŸ“…︎ Dec 11 2013
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Stuck at school, send help.

I was stuck at school and neither my mom or my friends were answering their phones, so I posted on Facebook a distress call.

I'm stuck at school, send help.

>Emailing the word HELP shortly..

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πŸ‘€︎ u/50Cows
πŸ“…︎ Oct 03 2013
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