Distracting Puns

It's instrumental to my comprehension.

Because of Thai-version..

😅Don't hate me..😅

It must have been the delivery...

I hope you face time soon.

It must have been the delivery.

Let's go ride bikes!

I told her I’ll try not doing it again.

Guess I better get back to it.

It's a piece of cake!

It kept me on the edge of my toilet seat.

He handed me my pool stick so I said, “Oh I guess that’s my cue.”

“We use 3 cans of water to distract it.”

“What?”

“Ya it should lose focus soon enough.”

the eye rolls from my partner were fantastic.

This happened tonight. We were talking about “concentrate” because they read me silly jokes from their school milk cartons like “why does X stare at the can of OJ? Because it says ‘concentrate’.” So we were talking about what the word meant.

I was giving notes in the directions for an upcoming assignments when a student mumbled something to another student. Thinking it might be a question, I asked what was said.

"I was talking about my sneakers." He admitted.

Annoyed at the off topic interruption, I quipped, "Oh, are they A-D-Didas?"

Most groaned, a few clapped...

Mom: Squirrel Dad: What? Mom: It's from that movie up Dad: Oh... Duck Mom: what? Dad: It's from that movie down

I could not stop laughing in the back seat and I still laugh thinking about it today. (its been over 5 years since he said that)

Kids turn around to look and say: "where?"

I guess that's what I get for having a pure bred dog

A little too proud of this one...

So I’m on my usual Tuesday morning conference call with a bunch of vendors, coworkers, bosses, etc...

With his dog barking in the background one of my bosses chimes in and says “Just so you all know, I’m on the call but I’m outside right now having my roof looked at so I might be a little distracted”.

I couldn’t resist... With the instincts of a wild puma plotting against it’s poor defenseless prey, I pounce...

“Is your dog lookin at it?

Cuz he keeps saying ROOF!!! ROOF ROOF!!!”

I was immediately rewarded with a spectacular cacophony of groans and “that was awful”’s... It was glorious. I’m pretty sure I’ll get another promotion for it.

EDIT: So... no promotion... but in a pure, hilarious coincidence, I actually DID just get the news that I'm finally getting that raise they promised me at my last review. Too fuckin funny.

I needed to run to Home Depot just a little while ago, and my eight year old son has been driving my wife insane, so he was sent with me. He asked a hundred questions about what tool does what and why I needed this or that. Despite my distracted supervision, he surely mixed up several loose nuts and bolts.

At the exit of the self checkout line, there's a massive gumball machine that holds massive gumballs. I rarely carry change, so he's out of luck.

Sonny Boy: Dad, can I have a quarter?

Me (checking out): Nope. Don't have one.

Sonny Boy: You don't have any cents?

Me: If I had any cents, I'd have left you at home tonight.

No, he didn't get it, and I'm shocked he set it up so well by saying cents. But, the dude in the line next to me let out a solid guffaw. We made the satisfying, knowing eye contact of two dad joke aficionados. I'm glad someone else heard it.

Mostly because I'd get distracted if there were vocals

Auto correct created “Bo Fusions” out of “no distractions”. Bo Fusions is there for you when you need a reason to grab a drink. He plays golf, I heard. Moved out of town a few years back but has a helicopter.
Who’s your Bo Fusions?

Ryan: Are you Finnished yet?

Dave: No, but you bet I’m Russian to fix it! Israelly confusing. Kenya help me out?

R: Sure.

Car makes weird sound

R: Guatemala with the car?

D: I’m Czeching it out, and it seems like something’s wrong with a piston or two. You got any ideas, because Iran out. What a Spain. Oh well, let’s put some elbow Greece and try to finish it by tonight.

R: I hope so. Damn, tonight is a Chile one.

D: Yep, and it’s definitely China distract me.

R: I’m kinda Hungary, I want Togo buy a sandwich or two.

Later

R: Oman, it’s already 9 Pm, there’s Norway that we can fix it by tonight.

D: That’s what we are Guinea find out.

R: I will Taiwan more way to speed things up, but it’s pretty risky.

D: Well, we somehow Ghana find out. 10:30 Pm

R: Ok, Tur the Key!

Car turns on

D: Yes! The Caribb is ean! Uganda be kidding me! I can’t Bolivia did it!

R: Hey, I can’t Belize it either!

So I thought I’d distract her with the story of the two Italian wheat farmers who would fight over their crops shouting, “That’s a my grain!” Her headache worsened.

Me : Why do I need glasses to do math?

Teacher: Why?

Me: Because it helps with Division

Whole Class: Groan

Is steak... medium with just a little pink inside. With a salad is nice too. And potato with butter. Mmmm... love those steaks, roaming wild on the Savannah.

Sorry. Got distracted.

Dad: Hey did you hear a bout what happened in Texas the other day?

Me: No, what happened?

Dad: Well there was these kids standing on an overpass of the highway, and they were dangling a noose over the edge trying to distract drivers. After a while the noose gets lower and lower and ends up catching a guys hand hanging out of the window, and ripped it clean off.

Me: Holy Shit no way that happened?!

Dad: Yup! And guess what they charged the kid with?

Me: I have no idea.

Dad: Armed Robbery....

Once and a while in the car, when my dad noticed I was distracted (playing my gameboy, reading, etc) he would honk the horn and wave out the window. He said it was his brother 'Raoul', I just missed him. I always wondered why I never met uncle Raoul, or what he was always doing standing out in a farmer's field or something. God damnit dad.

As toddlers/youngins whenever we'd fall down and start to cry, my dad would be like "OHMYGOSH HOLYCRAP oh NOOO!! The floor!!!? Did you hurt the floor???" And we'd be shocked into forgetting we'd just fallen (and gotten scared-hurt)

It was hilarious seeing younger siblings do this- to go from traumatized and in desperate pain to stunned in about half a second... guppy faces and wide eyes like- 'oh no! I'm not the victim here at all, am I?' Maybe you'd have to see it to understand. Surprisingly, it really did make everything stop hurting.

He got distracted by the zebra crossing.

At Lowe's volunteering my truck to move some lumber that a friend is using to make his girlfriend shelves. He and I are standing with the boards, distracting her kids while she settles up at the counter. Among the continuous babble from her youngest was "I'm thirsty." Simultaneously from three directions around him, my friend and I and a passing Lowe's employee:

"Hi thirsty, I'm Mike!" "Hi thirsty, I'm Dave!" "Hi thirsty, I'm Neil!"

We all shared a moment while mom shot us the most exhausted and disappointed look I've ever seen.

My dad was looking distracted the other day, so I asked him how he was feeling. He looked at me for a moment, then replied;

"With my hands."

A guy is standing at a train station in philadelphia, he walks up to the ticket window to get a ticket, when the guy walks up to the window he notices the ticket person is a babe with a "pair of knockers". The man needed to get home quick and was distracted by the knockers and when she asked the guy how she could help, he quickly said "i need two pickets to tittsburgh, please"

god dammit dad...

He commented that it looked pretty cool, but that my bulge was a bit...distracting.

I responded, "I'm sorry, I can't help it. I'm big boned."

My dad and I were driving to pick up some pizza the other day, and drove by the local community college. They have one of those new HD billboards, which was flashing garish advertisements for their classes and programs.

"That's a terrible sign," my dad remarked.

"Yeah, those things are distracting and annoying," I agreed. "The things flash too fast for you to really read it, and the color contrast makes it hard to read while you're driving late at night. It's not like the sign in front of my school at all (I'm a teacher). My school has slow transitions and clear lettering that makes things easy to read. It's what makes our billboard auspicious."

My dad frowned. He could tell something was coming. "Why's yours auspicious?"

"Because it's a good sign."

We were talking about how he had to have things a certain way to distract people so they wouldn't rise against him.

Her: "He was really strict about things being a certain way. He was an anal freak."

Me: "I believe that was his brother."

Commence the biggest eye-roll you've ever seen.

I guess it was the delivery!

Must have been the delivery.

It must have been the delivery…