How do you confuse an idiot?

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Detroiter_1017
πŸ“…︎ May 23 2020
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I always confuse claustrophobia and homophobia

Remind me, which is the one about being in the closet?

πŸ‘︎ 170
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πŸ‘€︎ u/RKO-Cutter
πŸ“…︎ Dec 05 2019
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I switched the I and O keys on my brother's laptop to confuse him and mess his typing up.

I know, I know, I'm a horrible person, but my brother would say I'm a hirroble persin.

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/InfinateUniverse
πŸ“…︎ Mar 11 2020
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People who confuse etymology and entomology bug me beyond words
πŸ‘︎ 96
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πŸ‘€︎ u/AlabamaMayan
πŸ“…︎ Jul 17 2019
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It’s incredible how many people confuse β€œto” and β€œtoo”.

It’s amazing two me.

πŸ‘︎ 70
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Oct 27 2018
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The number of people who confuse 'to' and 'too' is amazing two me
πŸ‘︎ 157
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Admblackhawk
πŸ“…︎ Mar 12 2018
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Why does Harry Potter confuse his cooking pot and his friend?

They're both cauld ron.

πŸ‘︎ 33
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Cjborange
πŸ“…︎ May 10 2019
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When I was younger I would confuse the words Jacuzzi and Yakuza

It got me into some pretty hot water with the Japanese mafia.

πŸ‘︎ 20
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πŸ“…︎ Apr 23 2019
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How do you confuse an Irishman?

Give him 3 shovels and tell him to take his pick

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Musical-Mayonaise
πŸ“…︎ Apr 15 2019
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Playing β€œtag” in the Addams Family must be very confusing if your cousin’s there...
πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/jnolife
πŸ“…︎ Jan 17 2021
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Why was the baby ant confused?

Because all his uncles were ants.

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/kickypie
πŸ“…︎ Jan 12 2021
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Bigfoot sometimes gets confused with Sasquatch...

Yeti never complains... πŸ€”

πŸ‘︎ 36
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Bradb717
πŸ“…︎ Jan 19 2021
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My wife was hurrying me along and asking when things were going to be done so I asked her if she was my clone from Moscow. She looked confused and said "No, why?"

I said "Because you're Russian me."

πŸ‘︎ 94
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πŸ‘€︎ u/MA121Alpha
πŸ“…︎ Dec 20 2020
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What did ununhexium say when it was confused?

Uuh

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/clarinetist420
πŸ“…︎ Jan 07 2021
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We live in Colorado and took my son outside today to play hide and seek for the first time. I pointed at the Rockies, looked him dead in the eye and said, "Under no circumstances can we allow them to play!" Confused, he ask why, so I explained, "Well, you see...

"...mountains peak!"

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/honolulu_oahu_mod
πŸ“…︎ Jan 03 2021
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Still scratching my head in confusion, trying to understand why was I thrown out of the interview room???

My answer was spot on, upon being asked to give an example on a "Business being completely ruined due to carelessness" All I said was... "A Pregnant Prostitute"

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ball5deeper
πŸ“…︎ Dec 26 2020
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My grandfather turned 90 today, but he still doesn’t need glasses.

He drinks straight from the bottle.

πŸ‘︎ 8k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Dec 25 2020
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A girl came up to me and said she recognized me from her vegetarian restaurant. I was a bit confused.

I'd never met herbivore

πŸ‘︎ 25
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ryan22000044
πŸ“…︎ Nov 28 2020
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My kids get confused when I throw whole basil leaves at them this time of year

But as they say, 'tis the season

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/NotA_Drug_Dealer
πŸ“…︎ Dec 24 2020
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Aussies will understand
πŸ‘︎ 32
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πŸ‘€︎ u/thefizzynator
πŸ“…︎ Jan 20 2021
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A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller.

He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patty Whack.

"Miss Whack, I'd like to get a $30,000 loan to take a holiday."

Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's okay, he knows the bank manager.

Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral.

The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed.

Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office.

She finds the manager and says, "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000, and he wants to use this as collateral." She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what in the world is this?"

The bank manager looks back at her and says, "It's a knickknack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone."

πŸ‘︎ 8k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Mama_Bear15
πŸ“…︎ Jan 12 2021
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How do you know someone is a racist?

"They go VROOM VROOM VROOM"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Yonatan_Shai
πŸ“…︎ Jan 18 2021
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What’s the most confusing kind of math

Toilet paper math (20=46)

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/UndeadNineKills
πŸ“…︎ Oct 26 2020
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Turkey walks into a bar. The bartender looks a little confused and asks "who are you?" Turkey replied "I'm a wild turkey." Bartender replied "oh we have a drink named after you!"

Turkey says "blulululu awesome, bring me a Kevin!"

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πŸ“…︎ Dec 02 2020
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Justice is served πŸ’₯
πŸ‘︎ 2k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/the-war-snipper
πŸ“…︎ Oct 10 2020
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I used to be so confused about everything but now I'm not sure.
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πŸ‘€︎ u/mhjbts
πŸ“…︎ Nov 11 2020
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My wife insisted she has nudist genes

I responded that nudists are defined by their lack of jeans

Edit: there->their

Edit 2: Awards? Wow! I'd like to thank the Academy, the community, my wife, and the man who made this post possible, my father in law!

πŸ‘︎ 8k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/S93C141
πŸ“…︎ Sep 25 2020
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My girlfriend asked me to feed her anaconda hotdogs while she is out of town. I did, but it wouldn’t touch them. Confused, I called her and asked why

She said: β€œMy anaconda don’t want none unless it has buns, hun”

πŸ‘︎ 21
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πŸ‘€︎ u/AwwwwwwYeahhhhhhh
πŸ“…︎ Oct 14 2020
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If I had a nickel every time I was confused

I’d be like, where the fuck do all these nickels keep coming from?

πŸ‘︎ 12k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/dragoon2745
πŸ“…︎ Mar 27 2020
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Son: "all these plot twists are making me confused"

Me: "Hi confused, I'm Mom"

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ“…︎ Nov 06 2020
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A child in Egypt got separated from her mom in the crowd and was looking for her but got confused.

Because there were so many mummies.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Lunarmeric
πŸ“…︎ Nov 15 2020
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Does anyone know the best way to remove ice from a windscreen?

I've just used an old discount card I found in my wallet, but I only got 20% off....

πŸ‘︎ 207
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πŸ‘€︎ u/trendfoll
πŸ“…︎ Jan 21 2021
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I think my sink is a little clogged
πŸ‘︎ 4k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/PeacesOfTheWorld
πŸ“…︎ Nov 10 2020
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Confusing Venus with Aphrodite is no big deal.

It’s just a mythunderstanding.

πŸ‘︎ 138
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πŸ‘€︎ u/thatoneevilpigeon
πŸ“…︎ Aug 24 2020
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Improvise.Adapt.Overcome
πŸ‘︎ 2k
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πŸ“…︎ Nov 07 2020
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From my 10-year-old: "Daddy, what has it's bottom at the top?"

"I don't know, bud, what?"

"Your legs."

Well done, kid.

πŸ‘︎ 15k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Papagayo_blanco
πŸ“…︎ Oct 01 2020
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The Methiah (crossposted)
πŸ‘︎ 28
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TheRealAjmera
πŸ“…︎ Jan 04 2021
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I was driving with my dad when we passed a cemetery. My dad goes in a low, dark, creepy voice, "I know something about this cemetery that you don’t.” And I was like what is it? He continued, "The people living in this town can’t be buried here.” I was really confused so I asked why?

He rasped, "Cuz they’re still alive!"

πŸ‘︎ 84
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πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Jul 26 2020
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Got a new tattoo

My wife was complaining about how i'm not spontanious or creative, unless it involves terrible jokes, so i went out and got a tattoo (my first one). But since im not very creative i had them tattoo a pic of my thermos from work. I went home all excited and showed her my new tattoo! She was really confused about it. She looked at it for awhile and when she went to touch it i yelled at her not to touch the thermos tat. I think she's leaving me now :(

πŸ‘︎ 18k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/bosozokulove
πŸ“…︎ Nov 09 2020
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Visible confusion
πŸ‘︎ 3k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/papa_papito
πŸ“…︎ Dec 27 2019
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I was confused why there are so many stories about vampires in Europe, but not in Africa.

Then I remembered that vampires are killed by holy water.

They bless the rains down in Africa.

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πŸ“…︎ Oct 10 2020
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Two cowboys walking through the plains, no food or water, death imminent. When through hazy vision one of them spies a tree, covered in bacon by an oasis of pure clean. One cowboy hide behind a rock, as his confused friend runs to the tree... only to be gunned down by some bandits.

The second cowboy is relieved to be alive, and thankful that he knew that that was no bacon tree.

It was a ham bush

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πŸ‘€︎ u/MafiaCub
πŸ“…︎ Sep 25 2020
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Confused Screaming
πŸ‘︎ 15
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TelepathicPsych
πŸ“…︎ Jul 22 2020
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The stock market is confusing for me but

It makes cents for someone else

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/mrdangwangpang
πŸ“…︎ Sep 03 2020
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*stares with confusing concern*

Her: what?

Me: ... What IS that?!

Her: what's what?

Me: there's someone on the side of your face...

Her: "what? Oh god, where" proceeds to try to wipe face

Me: right there! .. oh, it's just your ear!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/breakone9r
πŸ“…︎ Sep 22 2020
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What do you call a confused wireless connection?

Why-Fi

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/serialcompliment
πŸ“…︎ Aug 24 2020
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Yesterday I confused the words "jacuzzi" and "yakuza".

Now I'm in hot water with the Japanese mafia.

πŸ‘︎ 15k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/baguettesniper
πŸ“…︎ Apr 22 2020
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In Past, I used to be so confused about everything

but now, I'm not so sure

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/mhjbts
πŸ“…︎ Nov 11 2020
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I got the word "jacuzzi" and "Yakuza" confused

Now I'm in hot water with the japanese mafia.

πŸ‘︎ 259
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Rosiekaykay
πŸ“…︎ Jul 27 2020
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Bigfoot is sometimes confused with Sasquatch...

...Yetti never complains.

πŸ‘︎ 88
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πŸ‘€︎ u/WeASeL_Antigua
πŸ“…︎ Sep 14 2020
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Bigfoot is sometimes confused with Sasquatch...

Yeti never complains.

πŸ‘︎ 41
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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Sep 15 2020
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Bigfoot is sometimes confused with Sasquatch

It’s abominable...

Yeti never complains...

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Tacet_Viatorem
πŸ“…︎ Sep 15 2020
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Bigfoot is sometimes confused with Sasquatch.

Yeti never complains.

πŸ‘︎ 16
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πŸ‘€︎ u/uhavethebiggay
πŸ“…︎ Sep 24 2020
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I've gone and confused the words 'Yakuza' with 'Jacuzzi'

Now I'm in hot water with the Japanese Mafia.

πŸ‘︎ 59
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Rav4xle
πŸ“…︎ Jun 10 2020
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