Confuse Puns

37

Remind me, which is the one about being in the closet?

I know, I know, I'm a horrible person, but my brother would say I'm a hirroble persin.

It’s amazing two me.

They're both cauld ron.

It got me into some pretty hot water with the Japanese mafia.

Give him 3 shovels and tell him to take his pick

Because all his uncles were ants.

Yeti never complains... 🤔

I said "Because you're Russian me."

Uuh

"...mountains peak!"

My answer was spot on, upon being asked to give an example on a "Business being completely ruined due to carelessness" All I said was... "A Pregnant Prostitute"

He drinks straight from the bottle.

I'd never met herbivore

But as they say, 'tis the season

He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patty Whack.

"Miss Whack, I'd like to get a $30,000 loan to take a holiday."

Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's okay, he knows the bank manager.

Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral.

The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed.

Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office.

She finds the manager and says, "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000, and he wants to use this as collateral." She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what in the world is this?"

The bank manager looks back at her and says, "It's a knickknack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone."

"They go VROOM VROOM VROOM"

Toilet paper math (20=46)

Turkey says "blulululu awesome, bring me a Kevin!"

I responded that nudists are defined by their lack of jeans

Edit: there->their

Edit 2: Awards? Wow! I'd like to thank the Academy, the community, my wife, and the man who made this post possible, my father in law!

She said: “My anaconda don’t want none unless it has buns, hun”

I’d be like, where the fuck do all these nickels keep coming from?

Me: "Hi confused, I'm Mom"

Because there were so many mummies.

I've just used an old discount card I found in my wallet, but I only got 20% off....

It’s just a mythunderstanding.

"I don't know, bud, what?"

"Your legs."

Well done, kid.

He rasped, "Cuz they’re still alive!"

My wife was complaining about how i'm not spontanious or creative, unless it involves terrible jokes, so i went out and got a tattoo (my first one). But since im not very creative i had them tattoo a pic of my thermos from work. I went home all excited and showed her my new tattoo! She was really confused about it. She looked at it for awhile and when she went to touch it i yelled at her not to touch the thermos tat. I think she's leaving me now :(

Then I remembered that vampires are killed by holy water.

They bless the rains down in Africa.

The second cowboy is relieved to be alive, and thankful that he knew that that was no bacon tree.

It was a ham bush

It makes cents for someone else

Her: what?

Me: ... What IS that?!

Her: what's what?

Me: there's someone on the side of your face...

Her: "what? Oh god, where" proceeds to try to wipe face

Me: right there! .. oh, it's just your ear!

Why-Fi

Now I'm in hot water with the Japanese mafia.

but now, I'm not so sure

Now I'm in hot water with the japanese mafia.

...Yetti never complains.

Yeti never complains.

It’s abominable...

Yeti never complains...

Yeti never complains.

Now I'm in hot water with the Japanese Mafia.