You know what'll really distract Micheal Myers?

A Strode light.

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πŸ“…︎ Mar 09 2021
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When my wife was in labour, I tried to distract her by telling terrible jokes, but it didn’t work.

It must have been the delivery.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Nov 01 2019
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While my wife was in labor I read her jokes to distract her from the pain, but she didn’t seem amused...

I guess it was the delivery!

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πŸ“…︎ Aug 06 2019
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It's very easy to distract fat people.

It's a piece of cake!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/london710
πŸ“…︎ Apr 05 2019
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If my kid is easily amused with a mirror, does that mean he will self distract?
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πŸ‘€︎ u/fightmilk22
πŸ“…︎ Feb 15 2018
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My parents found this while camping... someone has a good sense of humour
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πŸ‘€︎ u/sloandog69
πŸ“…︎ Apr 16 2021
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My wife went into labor today, so I read the front page of /r/DadJokes to her as a distraction from the pain. Unfortunately, she didn’t laugh once, was clearly not amused and I have no idea why...

It must have been the delivery...

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πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Aug 26 2020
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There are a lot of distraction in Thailand..

Because of Thai-version..

πŸ˜…Don't hate me..πŸ˜…

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πŸ‘€︎ u/akulernih
πŸ“…︎ Nov 19 2020
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To the person who took my iPhone off the dinner table, when I was distracted.

I hope you face time soon.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/the_houser
πŸ“…︎ Nov 10 2020
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More stock photo puns from this silly siteπŸ˜ƒπŸ˜ƒ Is that the girl from distracted boyfriend?

[ Removed by reddit in response to a copyright notice. ]

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πŸ‘€︎ u/hilloviikot
πŸ“…︎ Jul 11 2020
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When I'm reading, I hate the silence, but music with words is too distracting., so I always play music without it.

It's instrumental to my comprehension.

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πŸ“…︎ Oct 12 2020
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The Count
πŸ‘︎ 5k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Ahydron
πŸ“…︎ Oct 06 2020
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No longer taboo
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Toe-knail
πŸ“…︎ Nov 13 2020
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A man enters a bar....

A man dressed in rubber boots, orange overalls, yellow hard hat with a light on, blacked up face and a canary on his shoulder walks into a pub. The whole pub goes silent and everyone stares at him for a few seconds then carries on what they were doing. It was only a miner distraction.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/bob9109
πŸ“…︎ Apr 23 2021
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It was a it concerning that the zoo had such a low fence for the Bobcat exhibit. We knew we were safe when we realized it was distracted by the Deere next door.
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πŸ‘€︎ u/bettaa
πŸ“…︎ Oct 26 2019
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Why did that boat really get stuck in the Suez Canal?

Someone turned on the light in the back seat and it distracted the driver.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/zoolilba
πŸ“…︎ Apr 01 2021
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My wife loves tennis, and she was telling me how distracted she gets at the constant grunting during women’s matches.

I told her I’ll try not doing it again.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Nov 02 2018
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My wife tells me that our sex life is weird, mostly because I get easily distracted.

Guess I better get back to it.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Sep 01 2018
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How many kids with ADD does it take to change a lightbulb?

Let's go ride bikes!

πŸ‘︎ 7k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/notdadbot
πŸ“…︎ Nov 16 2019
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I watched a really thrilling documentary about how easily humans become distracted.

It kept me on the edge of my toilet seat.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/TommehBoi
πŸ“…︎ Dec 31 2018
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I was distracted playing pool with my son.

He handed me my pool stick so I said, β€œOh I guess that’s my cue.”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/sallyfuckmecrazy
πŸ“…︎ Jul 20 2018
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Dad joked my distracted student

I was giving notes in the directions for an upcoming assignments when a student mumbled something to another student. Thinking it might be a question, I asked what was said.

"I was talking about my sneakers." He admitted.

Annoyed at the off topic interruption, I quipped, "Oh, are they A-D-Didas?"

Most groaned, a few clapped...

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πŸ‘€︎ u/mistermajik2000
πŸ“…︎ Apr 01 2015
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β€œDad, how do we make orange juice from the concentrate?” -5yo

β€œWe use 3 cans of water to distract it.”

β€œWhat?”

β€œYa it should lose focus soon enough.”

the eye rolls from my partner were fantastic.

This happened tonight. We were talking about β€œconcentrate” because they read me silly jokes from their school milk cartons like β€œwhy does X stare at the can of OJ? Because it says β€˜concentrate’.” So we were talking about what the word meant.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/8bagels
πŸ“…︎ Aug 31 2020
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My dad gets distracted by something mid sentence while talking to my mom.

Mom: Squirrel Dad: What? Mom: It's from that movie up Dad: Oh... Duck Mom: what? Dad: It's from that movie down

I could not stop laughing in the back seat and I still laugh thinking about it today. (its been over 5 years since he said that)

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πŸ‘€︎ u/riskybisness
πŸ“…︎ Oct 18 2013
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Look! A distraction!

Kids turn around to look and say: "where?"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Kb05
πŸ“…︎ Sep 19 2015
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I can't take my dog to the pond anymore because the ducks keep attacking him..

I guess that's what I get for having a pure bred dog

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Armyman194
πŸ“…︎ Jul 27 2019
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Early morning work groans are the best groans

A little too proud of this one...

So I’m on my usual Tuesday morning conference call with a bunch of vendors, coworkers, bosses, etc...

With his dog barking in the background one of my bosses chimes in and says β€œJust so you all know, I’m on the call but I’m outside right now having my roof looked at so I might be a little distracted”.

I couldn’t resist... With the instincts of a wild puma plotting against it’s poor defenseless prey, I pounce...

β€œIs your dog lookin at it?

Cuz he keeps saying ROOF!!! ROOF ROOF!!!”

I was immediately rewarded with a spectacular cacophony of groans and β€œthat was awful”’s... It was glorious. I’m pretty sure I’ll get another promotion for it.

EDIT: So... no promotion... but in a pure, hilarious coincidence, I actually DID just get the news that I'm finally getting that raise they promised me at my last review. Too fuckin funny.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/OreoGaborio
πŸ“…︎ Apr 10 2018
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Home Depot checkout line is as good a place as any for a dad joke

I needed to run to Home Depot just a little while ago, and my eight year old son has been driving my wife insane, so he was sent with me. He asked a hundred questions about what tool does what and why I needed this or that. Despite my distracted supervision, he surely mixed up several loose nuts and bolts.

At the exit of the self checkout line, there's a massive gumball machine that holds massive gumballs. I rarely carry change, so he's out of luck.

Sonny Boy: Dad, can I have a quarter?

Me (checking out): Nope. Don't have one.

Sonny Boy: You don't have any cents?

Me: If I had any cents, I'd have left you at home tonight.

No, he didn't get it, and I'm shocked he set it up so well by saying cents. But, the dude in the line next to me let out a solid guffaw. We made the satisfying, knowing eye contact of two dad joke aficionados. I'm glad someone else heard it.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/dtsjr
πŸ“…︎ May 28 2014
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2 Friends named Ryan and Dave were fixing up a car. They’re Country-Geeks by day, and Racers by night.

Ryan: Are you Finnished yet?

Dave: No, but you bet I’m Russian to fix it! Israelly confusing. Kenya help me out?

R: Sure.

Car makes weird sound

R: Guatemala with the car?

D: I’m Czeching it out, and it seems like something’s wrong with a piston or two. You got any ideas, because Iran out. What a Spain. Oh well, let’s put some elbow Greece and try to finish it by tonight.

R: I hope so. Damn, tonight is a Chile one.

D: Yep, and it’s definitely China distract me.

R: I’m kinda Hungary, I want Togo buy a sandwich or two.

Later

R: Oman, it’s already 9 Pm, there’s Norway that we can fix it by tonight.

D: That’s what we are Guinea find out.

R: I will Taiwan more way to speed things up, but it’s pretty risky.

D: Well, we somehow Ghana find out. 10:30 Pm

R: Ok, Tur the Key!

Car turns on

D: Yes! The Caribb is ean! Uganda be kidding me! I can’t Bolivia did it!

R: Hey, I can’t Belize it either!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/JohnThePekka
πŸ“…︎ Jul 19 2018
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My wife had a headache

So I thought I’d distract her with the story of the two Italian wheat farmers who would fight over their crops shouting, β€œThat’s a my grain!” Her headache worsened.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/mrmeanmustid
πŸ“…︎ Sep 14 2018
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To help me focus on working, background music is instrumental

Mostly because I'd get distracted if there were vocals

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πŸ‘€︎ u/WillKay10
πŸ“…︎ May 03 2019
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My dad when we were talking about recent crime in the United States...

Dad: Hey did you hear a bout what happened in Texas the other day?

Me: No, what happened?

Dad: Well there was these kids standing on an overpass of the highway, and they were dangling a noose over the edge trying to distract drivers. After a while the noose gets lower and lower and ends up catching a guys hand hanging out of the window, and ripped it clean off.

Me: Holy Shit no way that happened?!

Dad: Yup! And guess what they charged the kid with?

Me: I have no idea.

Dad: Armed Robbery....

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πŸ‘€︎ u/laxerado1313
πŸ“…︎ Sep 18 2013
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Who is Bo Fusions?

Auto correct created β€œBo Fusions” out of β€œno distractions”. Bo Fusions is there for you when you need a reason to grab a drink. He plays golf, I heard. Moved out of town a few years back but has a helicopter.
Who’s your Bo Fusions?

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πŸ‘€︎ u/i-reddit2
πŸ“…︎ Jun 19 2019
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I thought he was real until I was like 10...

Once and a while in the car, when my dad noticed I was distracted (playing my gameboy, reading, etc) he would honk the horn and wave out the window. He said it was his brother 'Raoul', I just missed him. I always wondered why I never met uncle Raoul, or what he was always doing standing out in a farmer's field or something. God damnit dad.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/rro99
πŸ“…︎ Aug 28 2013
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It wasn't a joke at the time, but it makes me laugh now.

As toddlers/youngins whenever we'd fall down and start to cry, my dad would be like "OHMYGOSH HOLYCRAP oh NOOO!! The floor!!!? Did you hurt the floor???" And we'd be shocked into forgetting we'd just fallen (and gotten scared-hurt)

It was hilarious seeing younger siblings do this- to go from traumatized and in desperate pain to stunned in about half a second... guppy faces and wide eyes like- 'oh no! I'm not the victim here at all, am I?' Maybe you'd have to see it to understand. Surprisingly, it really did make everything stop hurting.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/in-site
πŸ“…︎ Jan 21 2015
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Of the entire animal kingdom, I'd have to say my favorite

Is steak... medium with just a little pink inside. With a salad is nice too. And potato with butter. Mmmm... love those steaks, roaming wild on the Savannah.

Sorry. Got distracted.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Nov 10 2018
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Why did the lion crash his car?

He got distracted by the zebra crossing.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/captmomo
πŸ“…︎ Jun 14 2018
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My wife and I were talking about King Louis XIV.

We were talking about how he had to have things a certain way to distract people so they wouldn't rise against him.

Her: "He was really strict about things being a certain way. He was an anal freak."

Me: "I believe that was his brother."

Commence the biggest eye-roll you've ever seen.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/benjadock
πŸ“…︎ Oct 28 2016
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Dad would use this with my high school lady crushes

A guy is standing at a train station in philadelphia, he walks up to the ticket window to get a ticket, when the guy walks up to the window he notices the ticket person is a babe with a "pair of knockers". The man needed to get home quick and was distracted by the knockers and when she asked the guy how she could help, he quickly said "i need two pickets to tittsburgh, please"

god dammit dad...

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Snuffaluffakuss
πŸ“…︎ Apr 22 2014
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I asked my dad...

My dad was looking distracted the other day, so I asked him how he was feeling. He looked at me for a moment, then replied;

"With my hands."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/BurningFyre
πŸ“…︎ Aug 11 2016
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Lowe's: A place for dads

At Lowe's volunteering my truck to move some lumber that a friend is using to make his girlfriend shelves. He and I are standing with the boards, distracting her kids while she settles up at the counter. Among the continuous babble from her youngest was "I'm thirsty." Simultaneously from three directions around him, my friend and I and a passing Lowe's employee:

"Hi thirsty, I'm Mike!" "Hi thirsty, I'm Dave!" "Hi thirsty, I'm Neil!"

We all shared a moment while mom shot us the most exhausted and disappointed look I've ever seen.

πŸ‘︎ 65
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πŸ‘€︎ u/BubbaFeets
πŸ“…︎ Jan 23 2014
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When my wife was having our baby, I tried to distract her by telling Dad jokes. She wasn’t amused.

Must have been the delivery.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Apr 03 2018
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While my wife was in labor, I told her jokes to distract her from the pain, but she wasn't amused…

It must have been the delivery…

πŸ‘︎ 293
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πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Aug 30 2017
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