There is a Santa clause.
Then someone told me about second-hand stores!
Son (6 years old): Daddy, how many senses do we have?
Me: We have 5 senses.
Son: No, daddy, 6: a sense of smell, a sense of taste, a sense of touch, a sense of see, a sense of hear, and [with a big smile] a sense of humour.
"Don't worry, sir," reassured the dispatcher. "Emergency services are on their way. Just try to remain calm and stay with her until they arrive."
"How long will the ambulance be?" the man asked.
"About eighteen feet," replied the dispatcher.
So my dad runs a small business and each year he takes the staff and their spouses out for a fancy dinner to thank them for all their hard work.
So the husband of one of his employees orders the tilapia, a fish entree. The waiter brings it over to him and the first thing my dad does is yell across the table, "Nice catch!"
The official cause of death was, "Exposure to the Elements".
Focusing on the nicely lit up deer decorations on their lawn, I asked my kids, “How much do you think those deer weigh?” From the back seat: “I don’t know” and “Who cares?” and “What are you talking about?” Me: “I’m just saying, they look pretty light.”
I told him it wasn't a child's suit of armour but a Summer suit of armour.
When he asked why I told him it was because nights are shorter in summer.
There were lots of L's.
[I pulled this one on my wife as we were rummaging through the display looking for the right letters for our guests' first names. I was afraid the joke was too obtuse, but bright girl that she is, she got it right away. She gave me a wonderful eye roll and said, "You had to go there, huh?" Our kids are in college now so we're empty-nesters, but I can still have a proud dadjoke moment sometimes.]
Make a bra chart.
It’s gourd-geous.
Because you’re not a model citizen.
When I asked if they'd decided on a name yet, he said "remains to be seen"
Proof that a LED balloon can fly...
I looked at my bare wrist and said, “a skintag Heuer.”
You have just staged a coupe.
Remains to be seen.
But that remains go be seen.
The engineer said "ah yes.... it's stuck in Depeche Mode"....
Cum and sea.
I couldn't sway him.
I feel betrayed.
He really displayed a lot of guts that day.
The mother says, "Hey everyone, look at that. Isn't that amazing?" The father, unimpressed, replies, "It's just an algorithm".
Me: No, it's only one foot.
it was a lot of new deli cases
...they were advertised as double-pain windows after all.
Looking out the window, the baby saw a full moon on display in the nighttime sky. He pointed and exclaimed,
"Dada! Mooner!"
But I think that’s just nit-picking
It goes back four seconds.
A soldier shows up for military training, but realizes he forgot to bring his gun.
The sergeant hands him a stick and gestures to the training field.
“You’ll have to use this, soldier. If you need to shoot someone, just aim your stick at them and shout ‘Bangity bang-bang’. If someone gets too close to you, poke them in the gut with it as though it was a bayonet and shout ‘Stabbity stab-stab’. Now get moving.”
The soldier thinks this is pretty ridiculous, but to his surprise, when he aims his stick at a fellow trainee across the field and shouts “Bangity bang-bang!” the other soldier goes down in a theatrical display. Then, another trainee tries to run past him, so he pokes the guy in the ribs and shouts “Stabbity stab-stab!” and he too goes down, pretending to be dead.
So, the soldier starts running through the mock-battlefield, shouting “Bangity bang-bang” and occasionally “Stabbity-stab-stab”, until eventually he realizes he’s the last man standing.
He’s feeling pretty proud of himself until another soldier rounds a corner and starts walking toward him. Slowly. Stiffly. Menacingly.
The soldier takes aim with his stick and shouts, “Bangity-bang-bang!”
But the other soldier doesn’t go down this time. He keeps approaching, arms stiff at his sides, boots stomping aggressively into the ground.
The soldier begins to sweat. He clears his throat, adjusts grip on his stick and hollers, “Bangity bang-bang!” But nothing happens. The other soldier keeps marching toward him.
Now the soldier panics. He pretends to reload his stick and desperately cries out, “Bangity bang-bang! Bangity bang-bang! Stabbity stab-stab!” But to his dismay, nothing works.
Finally, the other soldier reaches him, kicks him in the shin and knocks him onto the ground.
He stands over the fallen soldier and says: “Tankity tank-tank.”....
All the displays were static.
Easely.
Relax. It's just a "Cough Fee."
(they should put signs on those, or something..)
She hates Publix displays of affection.
Because they add U to everything
I can’t stand it!
https://i.imgur.com/XSiYicg.jpg
There were lots of Sonic booms that night.
The official cause of death was, "Exposure to the Elements".
