I hate people who make fun of my puns behind my back. They discussed me!
πŸ‘︎ 12
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/lan_chop
πŸ“…︎ Jun 19 2020
🚨︎ report
Now that we’ve discussed β€œwhy the chicken has crossed the road”, what does it look like?

It’s poultry in motion

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/xOffthepost
πŸ“…︎ Oct 03 2019
🚨︎ report
We never discussed gravity much in my town.

It just never came up.

πŸ‘︎ 31
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/shagminer
πŸ“…︎ Jul 05 2018
🚨︎ report
Discussed the Orlando terror shootings in 2016, with my dad.

Dad: "Was it ISIS? I thought it was just some gun-nut!"

Me googeling: "Wikipedia says that ISIS took the blame, but that the governemt isn't certain that they were responsible."

Dad: "Oh, so it was IS-ish."

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/chronauer
πŸ“…︎ Mar 23 2018
🚨︎ report
We discussed Robert Frost's "Mending Wall" today in Lit

Me: so I guess you could say he rides the fence about fences.

Classmate: and he doesn't want anyone to take offence about it.

Me: I gate what you're saying.

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Zubat_Breeder
πŸ“…︎ Jan 28 2015
🚨︎ report
Proud dad moment: My five year old and I were discussing Halloween candy. I told him I like Kit-Kats.

He picked out a Butterfinger from his bag, held it up, and said β€œKit-Kats are good but these are butter.”

πŸ‘︎ 3k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/chrisoatkins
πŸ“…︎ Nov 09 2020
🚨︎ report
The other night at dinner we were discussing the Apple/Hyundai teamup when...

...my oldest asks, "If they make an Apple Car, will it still have windows?"

I was so proud.

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/iiooiooi
πŸ“…︎ Jan 19 2021
🚨︎ report
What does Wonder Woman do before she goes to bed?

She puts her pajamazon

πŸ‘︎ 459
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πŸ‘€︎ u/pappajay2001
πŸ“…︎ Jan 08 2021
🚨︎ report
Why won’t triangles go on dates with circles?

They’re pointless.

πŸ‘︎ 4k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Calm_Fan_381
πŸ“…︎ Dec 01 2020
🚨︎ report
Never discuss infinity with a mathematician, they can go on about it it forever
πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ManWithoutNoPlan
πŸ“…︎ Oct 09 2020
🚨︎ report
December is the month when the kids begin to discuss what to get Dad for Christmas.

Some insist on a shirt.

Others insist on a pair of socks.

The argument always ends in a tie.

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/crazyfortaco
πŸ“…︎ Nov 19 2020
🚨︎ report
I don’t like discussing North and South in polite company.

I find those topics to be quite polarizing.

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Nov 19 2020
🚨︎ report
My young son and I were having our first discussion about drugs. He was curious about why people would do drugs in the first place, and I told him that many people do it because it produces different feelings of euphoria. He asked, "what's euphoria?" I told him that it was hard to explain...

But it's a feeling somewhere between euthreeia and eufiveia.

πŸ‘︎ 84
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πŸ‘€︎ u/wgf5823
πŸ“…︎ Sep 01 2020
🚨︎ report
How does a T-Rex feel after working out?

Kindasoar.

Boyfriend told me this after we discussed our workout today πŸ₯²

πŸ‘︎ 25
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/MinxKitty
πŸ“…︎ Dec 17 2020
🚨︎ report
My friend and I where discussing how certain names will never enter certain cultures. He asked if there was ever a Korean Juan? I said no, but...

There’s a Taiwan.

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Kinjesus
πŸ“…︎ Sep 06 2020
🚨︎ report
My friends and I were discussing about different kinds of alcoholic drinks, and this guy kept talking about a Japanese one

just for the Sake of it

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/coconutbunch
πŸ“…︎ Jul 28 2020
🚨︎ report
Two guys were discussing popular family trends on sex, marriage and values.

Stu said, "I didn't sleep with my wife before we got married, did you?" Leroy replied, "I'm not sure, what was her maiden name"!

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/hayeshilton
πŸ“…︎ Aug 29 2020
🚨︎ report
A lot of Chinese people enjoy discussing their love of citrus.

They particular like to talk all things Mandarin.

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/drozzi007
πŸ“…︎ Aug 20 2020
🚨︎ report
Unintentional dadjoke when discussing the riots

I totally get the rage, I just don't get the Target.

πŸ‘︎ 45
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ May 31 2020
🚨︎ report
We will never run out of puns now!

A giant list of puns

What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.

I would avoid the sushi if I was you. It’s a little fishy.

Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind it’s tearable.

Why did the cookie cry? Because his father was a wafer so long!

I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.

What do you call a belt with a watch on it? A waist of time.

How do you organize an outer space party? You planet.

I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.

Do you know where you can get chicken broth in bulk? The stock market.

I cut my finger chopping cheese, but I think that I may have greater problems.

My cat was just sick on the carpet, I don’t think it’s feline well.

Why did the octopus beat the shark in a fight? Because it was well armed.

How much does a hipster weigh? An instagram.

What did daddy spider say to baby spider? You spend too much time on the web.

Atheism is a non-prophet organisation.

There’s a new type of broom out, it’s sweeping the nation.

What cheese can never be yours? Nacho cheese.

What did the Buffalo say to his little boy when he dropped him off at school? Bison.

Have you ever heard of a music group called Cellophane? They mostly wrap.

Why does Superman gets invited to dinners? Because he is a Supperhero.

How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.

The shovel was a ground breaking invention.

A scarecrow says, "This job isn't for everyone, but hay, it's in my jeans."

A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog stand and says, "Make me one with everything."

Did you hear about the guy who lost the left side of his body? He's alright now.

What do you call a girl with one leg that's shorter than the other? Ilene.

I did a theatrical performance on puns. It was a play on words.

What do you do with a dead chemist? You barium.

I bet the person who created the door knocker won a Nobel prize.

Towels can’t tell jokes. They have a dry sense of humor.

Two birds are sitting on a perch and one says "Do you smell fish?"

Do you know sign language? You should learn it, it’s pretty handy.

What do you call a beautiful pumpkin? GOURDgeous.

Why did one banana spy on the other? Because she was appealing.

What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.

What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.

What do you call a cow with all of its legs? High steaks.

A cross eyed teacher couldn’t control his pupils.

After the accident, the juggler didn’t have the balls to do it.

I used to be afraid of hu

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 20
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/communist_scumbag
πŸ“…︎ Nov 26 2020
🚨︎ report
What does a board game maker do when discussing their ideas?

They monopolize the conversation

πŸ‘︎ 19
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/iamayurt
πŸ“…︎ Mar 05 2020
🚨︎ report
At a nudist camp a couple were sitting discussing politics.

The lady asked "have you read Marx?"

"Yes" the man replied, "I think they're from the wicker chairs."

πŸ‘︎ 24
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Stoatwobbler
πŸ“…︎ Jun 03 2020
🚨︎ report
They are discussing bringing in fruit to use against the protesters!

Next wave of enforcement will be Apricops

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/ChaosBadger777
πŸ“…︎ Jun 07 2020
🚨︎ report
I went to the psychiatrist because I keep acting like a dog.

Doc: lie down on the couch and we’ll discuss this.

Me: I’m not allowed on the couch.

πŸ‘︎ 25
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Dec 05 2020
🚨︎ report
My son asked me what procrastinate meant.

I said I'd tell him later

πŸ‘︎ 7k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Jan 28 2020
🚨︎ report
Today while discussing game meats and a kangaroo stew I made a few years back, my coworker pointed out that with the Australian wild fires you won’t be able to get much kangaroo meat these days...

My reply without missing a beat β€” you’ll be able to buy it, you just won’t be able to buy it rare.

πŸ‘︎ 15
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/sockyg
πŸ“…︎ Jan 10 2020
🚨︎ report
This story is about a man called Trevor, and his obsession with tractors.

Trevor loved tractors. And I mean, really loved tractors. Forget any obsessions or high-level interests you may have, chances are they pale in the face of Trevor’s love for tractors.

Every day Trevor would get up, in his tractor-themed bedroom in his tractor-themed house, with its tractor-themed wallpaper and tractor-themed carpets, and he would make his bed with its tractor-themed duvet and tractor-themed sheets. He would go downstairs in his tractor-themed pajamas into his tractor-themed kitchen, with its tractor-themed tiles and cupboards, and he would eat his breakfast while perusing the latest tractor-themed magazine or annual.

Trevors’s degree in Agricultural Engineering hung on his living room wall, along with a copy of his thesis, which centred around (you guessed it) tractors. The living room was decorated with all sorts of tractor-related trinkets, including die-cast models, paintings and drawings.

The hedges in Trevor’s front garden were trimmed in the shape of tractors. His lawn was vividly decorated with tractor-driving garden gnomes, and his garden furniture was constructed from various parts from vintage tractor designs.

Trevor just had one thing missing from his otherwise tractor-centric life; he had never actually owned, nor driven, a real tractor.

Not for his lack of trying, of course. Trevor had been to many tractor shows over the years, and visited many farms with friends of his, but none of the tractors he had seen had ever been quite right. Trevor was so knowledgeable about tractors that every single one he had come across had possessed some hidden trait that he wasn’t keen on. His first experience of driving a real tractor had to be perfect.

One day, Trevor was flicking through one of his favourite publications, Powertrain Quarterly, when there was a knock at the door. Trevor answered, and it was his friend and fellow tractor enthusiast, Jeff.

Trevor welcomed Jeff in, and over tea and crumpets served on tractor-themed crockery, they discussed the merits of aluminium drawbars and front-end loaders. Eventually Trevor pressed Jeff to explain the reason for his visit.

β€œWell” said Jeff, β€œAs I’m sure you know the convention comes to town later”.

The convention. Trevor had been thinking of little else the past three weeks. The neighbouring town annually threw a convention for farmers, particularly farmyard machinery. There would be combine harvesters, lawnmowers, and of course, tractors.

β€œYes of course” replied Trevor

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ShredderSte
πŸ“…︎ Aug 07 2020
🚨︎ report
I have a problem. My wife steals animals from the zoo and hides them in our house.

I tried to bring it up but she didn't want to discuss the elephant in the room.

πŸ‘︎ 16
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πŸ‘€︎ u/YDAQ
πŸ“…︎ Nov 05 2020
🚨︎ report
We need to discuss your results sir. Please, have a seat.
πŸ‘︎ 22
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πŸ‘€︎ u/dufosho
πŸ“…︎ Dec 15 2019
🚨︎ report
I was talking to a wind turbine last week and we started discussing our favorite music...
πŸ‘︎ 14
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Oilspilpenguin
πŸ“…︎ Dec 02 2019
🚨︎ report
Did your hear about the professors that went to an island resort to discuss research paper titles?

It was a topical vacation

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/alecksface
πŸ“…︎ Apr 12 2020
🚨︎ report
When discussing my history of eye inflammation at the optometrist, I was advised to look up information on conjunctivitis.com.

It's a site for sore eyes.

πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ‘€︎ u/conundrumbombs
πŸ“…︎ Mar 11 2020
🚨︎ report
A scientist sits down with some colleagues at the lab cafeteria:

"Oh hi Bill! We were just discussing the promiscuous mating habits of blood-sucking arachnids." Bill abruptly grabs his tray and stands up to leave.

"Sorry guys. I don't discuss poly ticks at work."

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Make_it_perfect
πŸ“…︎ Nov 21 2020
🚨︎ report
I have a dirty story about a couple of chickens in a motel room...

It's just two fowl to discuss

πŸ‘︎ 12
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/hotsprings1234
πŸ“…︎ Oct 17 2020
🚨︎ report
Me own dad just out dad joked me.

We were discussing about things going on in America when he suddenly spurted this out.

"Soon, Trump can't get in the white house because it's for Biden."

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Shii-UwU
πŸ“…︎ Nov 07 2020
🚨︎ report
My sister and i were discussing team trees and
πŸ‘︎ 18
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Nov 02 2019
🚨︎ report
Gerald, a young bull elephant was using the bathroom at his girlfriend's Bethany's apartment when he noticed one of those little pregnancy test things, tucked behind the cupboard...

... he picked it up carefully with his trunk and peered at the little window with a racing heart...

Positive! ... Brenda was pregnant!

OMG... fear, excitement, shock... and yet more worrying "why hasn't she told me?"

A hundred scenarios raced through his head, his ears trembling, his trunk twitching as each played out...

Finally he calmed... maybe she was waiting for the right moment to tell him the news?

He chose to be patient... he watched her carefully the whole day, carefully avoiding anything that might show that he knew... but Bethany gave no hints whatsoever.

Several days went by, and he grew more and more anxious.

Finally, he could take it no longer...

"Bethany..." he said

"It's time we discussed the elephant in the womb".

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/fractiousrhubarb
πŸ“…︎ Aug 03 2020
🚨︎ report
Therapists only care about one thing

And it’s fu*king discussing

πŸ‘︎ 142
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/scooby_dyver
πŸ“…︎ Jun 05 2020
🚨︎ report
Was discussing groceries with my parents earlier tonight when my mom declared (of my dad), "he buys cereal then never eats it!"

I immediately interjected, "Wait: Are you saying dad is a cereal offenderβ€½"

πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ‘€︎ u/riskable
πŸ“…︎ Jan 09 2020
🚨︎ report
Son: There's no salt on this. Mom: Well, it's hard to see salt.

Dad: But can you table salt?

Mom: I don't know, let's discuss that next time.

Edit: To be honest I'm a little salty about the bland reaction this dad/mom joke got :)

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/likeabutterdream
πŸ“…︎ Oct 25 2020
🚨︎ report
In a conversation with a coworker discussing lunch plans. I exhaled through my nose.
πŸ‘︎ 10
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/the_eazy_life
πŸ“…︎ Sep 23 2019
🚨︎ report
Two giraffes got into an argument

I saw them along the neck of the wooded area.

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Slymood
πŸ“…︎ Aug 25 2020
🚨︎ report
Dad Jokes

It was a brisk Saturday morning when Gerald arrived at β€œThe CafΓ©,” a hip coffee shop right down the street. Wearing his large, burly black coat, he stared hesitantly at his watch. Thick glasses adorned his bright blue eyes, his gaze like starlight in a clear night sky. He was waiting, intently twiddling his thumbs. After a buzz of his phone, the message from Dad popped up: β€œParking now, be there in 5.”

β€œDad,” he whispered under his breath, swiping the message away to once again reveal the image on his lock-screen: a hazy picture of an ultrasound.

Gerald had not spoken to his father for three years. They had had a falling out, over which he did not remember. To him it was a competition of who could wait the longest without calling or sending a text. Who could wait the longest: him without a father, or his father without a son? The idea of friction in the relationship hurt like a thorn; piercing his soul more and more everyday. Until recently, out of the blue, β€œDad” popped up on his phone. The rest is history. The rest leads to that Saturday morning, at The CafΓ©.

Bang! A car door rang out not too far from where Gerald stood. Gerald saw him. His father wore his tweed jacket like a coat of armor. His strut was now weaker than before they stopped talking; a weakness evident in his cane which supported every right step. His shortly trimmed white beard juxtaposed against his uncut, curly grey hair gave him the image of a wise wizard from a fairytale. He used to be that figure to Gerald, yet instead of a nice ancient being acting like a stone to keep him grounded, Gerald had felt as though his father was a rock pulling him deeper and deeper into a sea of monotony. Holding him back from his true potential. Maybe that was why he left? He still did not know.

β€œHello, son,” came the withered voice Gerald had sook for so long, yet now that it had arrived wanted to avoid. β€œI can’t believe it’s been so long!”

β€œYeah,” said Gerald, allowing a smile to grace his face. β€œToo long!”

Then they hugged, signifying a change in their relationship. Gerald had hoped something could happen to bring them closer together. He did not want to go on wondering what could have been. The regret and sadness weighed him down. Before starting a new family, Gerald wanted to be reacquainted with his own.

After finding their table and sitting down, the two began to discuss life. It was like old friends catching up after a long break. Although it took some time, Gerald began to warm u

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/sullyrr
πŸ“…︎ Oct 08 2020
🚨︎ report
I hate people who talk about me behind my back...

They discussed me.

πŸ‘︎ 49
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Jan 18 2021
🚨︎ report
I absolutely hate people who talk behind my back.

They discussed me.

πŸ‘︎ 431
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Dec 09 2020
🚨︎ report
I hate when people talk about me behind my back.

They discussed me.

πŸ‘︎ 14
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/gnamflah
πŸ“…︎ Oct 30 2020
🚨︎ report
A giant list of puns from r/copypasta

A giant list of puns

What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.

I would avoid the sushi if I was you. It’s a little fishy.

Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind it’s tearable.

Why did the cookie cry? Because his father was a wafer so long!

I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.

What do you call a belt with a watch on it? A waist of time.

How do you organize an outer space party? You planet.

I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.

Do you know where you can get chicken broth in bulk? The stock market.

I cut my finger chopping cheese, but I think that I may have greater problems.

My cat was just sick on the carpet, I don’t think it’s feline well.

Why did the octopus beat the shark in a fight? Because it was well armed.

How much does a hipster weigh? An instagram.

What did daddy spider say to baby spider? You spend too much time on the web.

Atheism is a non-prophet organisation.

There’s a new type of broom out, it’s sweeping the nation.

What cheese can never be yours? Nacho cheese.

What did the Buffalo say to his little boy when he dropped him off at school? Bison.

Have you ever heard of a music group called Cellophane? They mostly wrap.

Why does Superman gets invited to dinners? Because he is a Supperhero.

How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.

The shovel was a ground breaking invention.

A scarecrow says, "This job isn't for everyone, but hay, it's in my jeans."

A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog stand and says, "Make me one with everything."

Did you hear about the guy who lost the left side of his body? He's alright now.

What do you call a girl with one leg that's shorter than the other? Ilene.

I did a theatrical performance on puns. It was a play on words.

What do you do with a dead chemist? You barium.

I bet the person who created the door knocker won a Nobel prize.

Towels can’t tell jokes. They have a dry sense of humor.

Two birds are sitting on a perch and one says "Do you smell fish?"

Do you know sign language? You should learn it, it’s pretty handy.

What do you call a beautiful pumpkin? GOURDgeous.

Why did one banana spy on the other? Because she was appealing.

What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.

What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.

What do you call a cow with all of its legs? High steaks.

A cross eyed teacher couldn’t control his pupils.

After the accident, the juggler didn’t have the balls to do it.

I used to be afraid of hu

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Nov 26 2020
🚨︎ report
Is plate throwing a really an Olympic sport?

Discuss

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Boris_Donut
πŸ“…︎ Oct 19 2020
🚨︎ report

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