A recent study of rocking chairs indicated that certain parts of the world do far less rocking than the United States while specific countries do...

Mo-roccan.

This joke provided by dads giving babies a bottle in a rocking chair early in the morning.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/sneakymooseattack
πŸ“…︎ May 21 2021
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Was your waist the 16th president of the United States?

...cause those hips don’t lie

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πŸ‘€︎ u/connolnp
πŸ“…︎ Apr 06 2021
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What do you say to The President Of The United States when he leaves abruptly?

Okay, Biden.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/iwishidie
πŸ“…︎ Mar 29 2021
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How much does the entire United States cost?

Nothing, because it's a free country

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Xenonthewizlard
πŸ“…︎ May 25 2021
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Why did the Koala immigrate to the United States?

Because he wanted the right to bear arms.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/theAchilliesHIV
πŸ“…︎ May 22 2021
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What do you call a bee that is from the United States

A USB

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πŸ‘€︎ u/nobody492
πŸ“…︎ Apr 26 2021
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United States of BEE
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πŸ‘€︎ u/elthedorito
πŸ“…︎ Mar 15 2021
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What did the Commanding General of the United States Army say after having his budget approved?

Tanks for that.

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πŸ“…︎ Dec 08 2020
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BREAKING: The United States, after mistaking it for an Iranian submarine, has struck a utility submarine with an underwater torpedo that was en route to displace the shipping carrier blocking the Suez Canal, killing all 169 aboard

whoops wrong sub

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πŸ‘€︎ u/PeterPorky
πŸ“…︎ Mar 28 2021
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Now that Donald Trump is no longer President, the United States is experiencing post-nut clarity.
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πŸ‘€︎ u/femifoodie
πŸ“…︎ Jan 26 2021
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Donald Trump is currently organizing pigeons against the united states government.

He's plotting a coo

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πŸ‘€︎ u/JCokeDaKilla
πŸ“…︎ Feb 10 2021
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News broke today that due to salmonella concerns, there is a national recall on just about every type of onion in the united states...

To be honest, I'm not shedding any tears over it.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/thejohnblog
πŸ“…︎ Aug 03 2020
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Missouri has the most bordering states (8, tied with tennessee) out of any of the 50 United States of America. You know what they say, Missouri loves company.
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πŸ‘€︎ u/dudemanandnewman
πŸ“…︎ Dec 07 2017
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What was the 16th president of the United States told before the dinner party?

Ay bring ham, Lincoln.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Keepscrollin-u
πŸ“…︎ Feb 18 2020
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TIL The 1st United States Volunteer Cavalry, one of three such regiments raised in 1898 for the Spanish–American War, had dogs to go with them...

The were The Ruff Riders.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Jul 01 2020
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Watt is the unit of power?
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πŸ‘€︎ u/IncompotentCyborg
πŸ“…︎ Apr 27 2021
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My friend tried to ride his horse from Maine to the Southwestern United States for a type of bean but was hit by an older Ford...

It was a pinto.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Jun 09 2020
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Just watched an episode of 24 where Jack Bauer had to decide to either help the cartel transfer cannabis crystals into the U.S within 24 hours or they would blow up the Gulf Coast states.

...It was Kief or Southernland

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πŸ‘€︎ u/AquamarineCheetah
πŸ“…︎ Jun 29 2021
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I hear the United States is well stocked for a bird-of-prey flu epidemic...

There are plenty of ill eagle drugs for just such emergency.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Jan 19 2020
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We need to add three more states to the United States of America

53 states would make it a prime number; One nation, indivisible.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/BradC
πŸ“…︎ May 18 2017
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The United States Postal Service got jokes
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πŸ‘€︎ u/GreenLeafGreg
πŸ“…︎ Aug 10 2020
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What state in the US drinks the smallest cans of soda?

Minnesota.

Yeah.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/professorf
πŸ“…︎ Apr 21 2021
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My office space is a cubicle, president of the United States has an oval.

Someone has been cutting corners.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Lum1nar
πŸ“…︎ Jul 31 2018
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If the United States annexed all of Canada and multiplied it’s area by two, what would you get?

WSA

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πŸ‘€︎ u/shortordercook
πŸ“…︎ Dec 06 2019
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Last week, a freshman secret service officer stopped an assassination attempt on the president of the United States by screaming β€œMickey Mouse”!

When his superior congratulated him for the arrest, he asked β€œWhy did you scream Mickey Mouse?” And the secret serviceman said β€œI was trying to say Donald Duck!”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/GPyleFan11
πŸ“…︎ Mar 11 2019
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The police just showed up at my house and arrested my bottle of water. They said he was wanted in 3 states...

Solid, liquid and gas

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Brundonius
πŸ“…︎ Feb 09 2021
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What unit of measure do pirates use?

YARRRDS

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πŸ‘€︎ u/billbrasky43
πŸ“…︎ Apr 04 2021
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Which branch of military is the most patriotic in the United States?

The Air Force, because they're US AF.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Noir_Reaper
πŸ“…︎ Dec 29 2018
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What's the opposite of Manchester United?

Women chest are divided

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πŸ‘€︎ u/moe87b
πŸ“…︎ Mar 29 2021
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Reflecting on Prince Philip death, I was chatting with the Mrs and I said, I know I’m getting a little older, but I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug.

She got up, unplugged my laptop and threw out my beer….

EDIT: Thanks for the kind awards... My first ever! ❀️

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πŸ“…︎ Apr 09 2021
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My 8 year old sons joke today. What’s a girls favorite unit of measurement?

(Gal)lons

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πŸ‘€︎ u/static612
πŸ“…︎ Apr 15 2021
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What's the difference between the United States and United Kingdom

One word

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ALizardKing
πŸ“…︎ Jul 13 2020
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What is the smartest state in America?

Alabama. It has four A’s and one B.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/westsoutheast
πŸ“…︎ Jul 02 2021
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what do you call an air conditioning unit in the capital of the united states?

ACDC

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Shredhead15
πŸ“…︎ Mar 15 2019
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How do you call an army unit of babies?

INFANTry

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πŸ‘€︎ u/salttrooper222
πŸ“…︎ May 26 2021
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Here is present the vampire state building.
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πŸ‘€︎ u/vaibhav1803
πŸ“…︎ Jun 09 2021
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Two drunk guys were about to get into a brawl. One of the guys grabs a stick and draws a line in the dirt and says "If you cross this line, I'll hit you in the face"

That was the punchline

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πŸ“…︎ Jun 29 2021
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If someone ever throws something at the President of the United States during an important press conference with other world leaders, what should you scream?

DONALD DUCK!!!

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πŸ“…︎ Nov 24 2018
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Grandma is always saying to me ' Hey what's the name of that German guy again who keeps taking my stuff '

Alzheimer, Grandma, it's Alzheimer.

πŸ‘︎ 6k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/HugoZHackenbush2
πŸ“…︎ Jun 23 2021
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What do you call a detective dog's party held in the United Arab Emirates?

Scooby Dubai Do

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πŸ‘€︎ u/zippysausage
πŸ“…︎ May 04 2021
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I was throwing darts at a map of the continental united states when I...

Mich'd, again!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/minegam
πŸ“…︎ Jun 17 2018
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My 8 year old has created a new unit of measument...

She just picked up the squeeze ketchup and said, "I only need one fart of ketchup." She gives the bottle a single squeeze and gets her "one fart."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/mrmackz
πŸ“…︎ Mar 23 2021
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What was the 16th president of the United States told before a dinner party?

Ay, bring ham, Lincoln

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Mush_Tilly
πŸ“…︎ Feb 20 2020
🚨︎ report
Which branch of the United States military is the most patriotic?

The Air Force; they're US AF

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Smithmonkey98
πŸ“…︎ Dec 29 2018
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