The man says, “Well, if you’re all here, why the hell are the lights on downstairs!?”
I am sick and tired of trying to find your "X", just move on dude, don't even ask "Y"
Wife: How sweet!
Me: Now you tell me a lie.
Your mom thought I was big enough.
Signed,
Pluto
grow a pear
Oh moose.
No shit, Sherlock
You could call me Ambidentrous.
My dad, who's in his 50's, bought a new Tesla Model S and was out for a nice evening drive. The top was down, the breeze was blowing through what was left of his hair, and he decided to let her rip!
As the needle jumped up to 90 mph, he suddenly saw flashing red & blue lights behind him. "There's no freakin' way they can catch a Tesla," he thought to himself. So he let her rip further. The needle hit 100, 120… then the reality of the situation hit him.
"What the hell am I doing?" he thought and pulled over. The cop came up to him, took his license without a word, examined it, then said:
"It's been a long day, this is the end of my shift. I don't feel like more paperwork, so if you can give me an excuse for your driving that I haven't heard before, you can go."
My dad thinks for a second then says, "Last week my wife ran off with a cop. I was afraid you were trying to give her back."
"Have a nice weekend," said the officer
Der. (Say it out loud for full affect.)
“I think it’s raining,” he said to his wife.
“No, that felt more like snow to me,” she replied.
“No, I’m sure it was just rain,” he said.
Well, as these things go, they were about to have a major argument about whether it was raining or snowing.
“Let’s not fight about it!” the man said. “Let’s ask our guide, Rudolph, whether it’s officially raining or snowing.”
As their tour guide approached, the man said, “Tell us, Comrade Rudolph, is it officially raining or snowing?”
“It’s raining, of course,” he replied officiously.
But the woman insisted, “I know that it felt like snow!”
The man quietly replied, “Rudolph, the Red, knows rain, dear!"
Be positive!
Eight bucks
She won't say why.
He got some really bad feedback.
I guess you can say she is off her Rocker.
It was a tough decision, but my dog and I are so much happier now.
I’ll be right here waiting for you.
I told her to be respectful as they were mourning the loss of a dear deer friend.
I’m so f#cking sick if trying to find your “X” !! She left. Get over it.”
Comet
Get over him already babe
"Yes, my master, I have."
"And a waterfall, spilling mightly over the stones without taking anything out of its proper place?"
"Yes, my master, I have witnessed it."
"And the moon, when it touches the calm water to reflect all its enormous beauty?"
"Yes, my master, I have also seen this marvelous phenomenon."
"That is the problem. You keep watching all this shit instead of training."
“That’s a lemon tea my dear Watson”.
100 Sows an Bucks
She visited the famous Prince of the East: Prince Merling.
As soon as she arrived, Prince Merling dropped to one knee and kissed her hand.
"Franklina! No one is as beautiful as you!"
The woman looked down at him and said, "Prince Merling, everyone calls me Frankly. Please call me that."
"Yes, my dear. Whatever you want. I wish to marry you! What would you like, anything in the world I will give it to you."
She paused, completely taken aback by the caring nature of the prince.
"Well the one thing I'd like is a massive area of water. I want it to be built by man. I want it to keep all this water together so it can be drunk by millions of people."
The Prince's face turned from excitement to disappointment.
“What’s wrong? Don’t you think this is a good idea?” she asked.
He stood slowly to his feet. Finally, with tears in his eyes he told her softly:
"Frankly, my dear, I don't give a dam."
Budget Cuts
Who’s blood is this?
Where did you get it from?
Why do you have it?
No idear
Me: Oklahoma is OK.
Santa-tizer!
Please stop asking us to find your x
She is not coming back and don’t ask y
Please grow up and solve your own problems.
