Two atoms walk into a bar, one says to the other “Dang, I left my electrons in the car.” The other replies, “Are you sure?”
Well Dang...I broke my hole puncher...
What am I supposed to do with 2 half punchers???
Dang it, Dad
My mom and I were discussing pickleball. I asked her if she had played when she was younger, and she said that it wasn't around when she was younger. Then dad chimes in with "that's because it was still cucumber ball back then".
"Dang, I misread it."
Don't worry, you can log back on anytime.
Gosh Dang it Dad
Me: Dad I to buy some new boat shoes these ones look beaten up
Dad: Aboat time...Sound like they need to go to the doc
Me: Dad why do you this
Dad: What do you mean? I'm keeping it reel here.
Facepalm + Groan Intensifies
Why does “secretary” start with secret?
Because of all their business affairs
Who was the only celebrity with four body parts in his name?
Told my dad I took care of getting the propane tanks at the house filled. His response?
How do German breads greet each other?
They say - Gluten Morgen!
What did the chemist say when he dropped a bar of gold on his foot?
Smoking is bad
it shortens your lungevity
What's the opposite to firefly?
The COVID19 situation has been especially stressful for the Flat Earth Society.
They fear that the social distancing measures could push people over the edge.
How do you find the right book in a library that was caught in a flood?
Using the mildewey decimal system!
What did Donald Trumps bodyguard say just before someone sneezed in his face?
You know what they say about bad haircuts?
This year, I've really enjoyed watching 'Planet Earth'.
It's a shame that it only has four seasons.
I need someone who can help me fix my bike
It won’t stand up on its own anymore
It’s two tired
What do you call Bears without ears
Carpool Tunnel
...just might fix this dang traffic problem we're having
I bet none of you will see this one coming
My daughter was making some lunch. I asked her what she was making...
Daughter: Nachos
Me: I know it's not for me. I'm just asking what you're making for lunch. Sheesh...
Daughter: <confused> Huh?
Me: I'm just asking you what you're making for lunch.
Daughter: And i told you. Nachos!
Me: You already told me it's not for me. You don't have to be mean about it!
Daughter: <pause> Dang it... <sighs> Go away...
Me: <laughs in dad joke>
What is long and bring kids?
“Did someone say doobie?”——Snoop Dogg.
Some lifeguards at the pool were doing a ph test to see how the pool was doing, and I was fascinated by it.
I thought to myself, “Dang, hydrogen is powerful”
What do you call a bear without ears?
You COULD call him B, but he wouldn’t hear you
Found on r/blackmagicf***ery
A deer and a bear walk into a bar.
I was talking to a lady this morning who said she recognised me from 'Vegan Club'
but I'm pretty certain I'd never seen herbivore
What’s the difference between a hippo and a zippo?
One weighs quite a bit; the other is a little lighter.
Why do farmers hang bells around the necks off their cows?
Because the horns doesnt work
What's the difference between Snowmen and Snowwomen?
We need to change the temperature FAST
What made the woman think she had a back problem?
I saw Kian from Westlife drinking a can of red bull. I said “come on mate, make your mind up”.
My family and I walked into the lobby and as we were checking in, I whispered to the desk clerk, "I hope the porn is disabled."
The guy looked at me in shock and sputtered, "It's just regular porn, you sick perv!"
Dad*has a heart attack*
Dad: Son, call me an ambulance!
Son:* crying *Dad, you’re an ambulance
Dad: I’m so proud of you * dies *
Teacher: "Bobby, please use the word rectum in a sentence."
Bobby: "Rectum? It dang near killed him!"
I was watching the new year countdown....
and I dropped my dang glasses, but when I looked up suddenly everything was 2020.
I told my wife she should embrace her mistakes.
And then she gave me a huge hug.
My news anchor college just couldn't stop rambling about how a bank robber escaped ...
So I told him to cut to the chase
So I bought tickets to the new football game but my wife is expecting to give birth that evening is anyone interested in being at the birth?
Why was the train sent to the insane asylum after being convicted of first degree murder?
What do you call a boomerang that doesn’t come back?
Well dang...I broke my hole puncher...
What am I supposed to do with 2 half punchers??
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