Two atoms walk into a bar, one says to the other “Dang, I left my electrons in the car.” The other replies, “Are you sure?”
Dang it, Mt Rushmore was so beautiful before it was carved out...
Its natural beauty was honestly unpresidented
My date was supposed meet me at the gym but they didn't show up.
That's when I knew we weren't going to work out.
Square root (credit to u/fatfatlama)
Foot warmers are really misnamed
Shouldn’t they be called Toesters?
What type of flour is sold at airports?
From my niece: What's the chicken's favorite place to get coffee?
Where is the best place to get shot?
Well Dang...I broke my hole puncher...
What am I supposed to do with 2 half punchers???
I just thought of a name for a Christian ninja.
I swear I just thought of it, and I'm surprised I've never heard it before. Ready? Wait for iiiiiiiiiit...
John Claude Van Dang.
Bobby Shumurda free after 6 years?
Dang, it feels like that was about A WEEK AGO...
The COVID19 situation has been especially stressful for the Flat Earth Society.
They fear that the social distancing measures could push people over the edge.
Why does “secretary” start with secret?
Because of all their business affairs
What's the opposite to firefly?
Who was the only celebrity with four body parts in his name?
What did the chemist say when he dropped a bar of gold on his foot?
How do German breads greet each other?
They say - Gluten Morgen!
Told my dad I took care of getting the propane tanks at the house filled. His response?
Smoking is bad
it shortens your lungevity
How do you find the right book in a library that was caught in a flood?
Using the mildewey decimal system!
What did Donald Trumps bodyguard say just before someone sneezed in his face?
You know what they say about bad haircuts?
This year, I've really enjoyed watching 'Planet Earth'.
It's a shame that it only has four seasons.
Dang it, Dad
My mom and I were discussing pickleball. I asked her if she had played when she was younger, and she said that it wasn't around when she was younger. Then dad chimes in with "that's because it was still cucumber ball back then".
What do you call Bears without ears
I need someone who can help me fix my bike
It won’t stand up on its own anymore
It’s two tired
"Dang, I misread it."
Don't worry, you can log back on anytime.
Gosh Dang it Dad
Me: Dad I to buy some new boat shoes these ones look beaten up
Dad: Aboat time...Sound like they need to go to the doc
Me: Dad why do you this
Dad: What do you mean? I'm keeping it reel here.
Facepalm + Groan Intensifies
I bet none of you will see this one coming
Carpool Tunnel
...just might fix this dang traffic problem we're having
“Did someone say doobie?”——Snoop Dogg.
My daughter was making some lunch. I asked her what she was making...
Daughter: Nachos
Me: I know it's not for me. I'm just asking what you're making for lunch. Sheesh...
Daughter: <confused> Huh?
Me: I'm just asking you what you're making for lunch.
Daughter: And i told you. Nachos!
Me: You already told me it's not for me. You don't have to be mean about it!
Daughter: <pause> Dang it... <sighs> Go away...
Me: <laughs in dad joke>
What is long and bring kids?
Some lifeguards at the pool were doing a ph test to see how the pool was doing, and I was fascinated by it.
I thought to myself, “Dang, hydrogen is powerful”
Found on r/blackmagicf***ery
What do you call a bear without ears?
You COULD call him B, but he wouldn’t hear you
A deer and a bear walk into a bar.
I was talking to a lady this morning who said she recognised me from 'Vegan Club'
but I'm pretty certain I'd never seen herbivore
Why do farmers hang bells around the necks off their cows?
Because the horns doesnt work
What’s the difference between a hippo and a zippo?
One weighs quite a bit; the other is a little lighter.
We need to change the temperature FAST
What's the difference between Snowmen and Snowwomen?
My family and I walked into the lobby and as we were checking in, I whispered to the desk clerk, "I hope the porn is disabled."
The guy looked at me in shock and sputtered, "It's just regular porn, you sick perv!"
What made the woman think she had a back problem?
Well dang...I broke my hole puncher...
What am I supposed to do with 2 half punchers??
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