2 packets of crisps walk out of a bar....

1 was a salted.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Jun 02 2021
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What is Anton Du Beke’s favourite flavour of crisp?

Sour Cream and Jive

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πŸ“…︎ Mar 25 2021
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I was driving and I saw a packet of crisps and I asked β€œwant a lift?”

They said β€œno thanks we’re walkers”

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/OrangeTramp7
πŸ“…︎ Dec 19 2020
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Did you hear about the men at the monastery who make fried potato crisps?

They’re the chip monks.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/abombregardless
πŸ“…︎ Nov 28 2020
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Crisp and clean
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πŸ‘€︎ u/smock707
πŸ“…︎ Jul 03 2020
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What kind of crisp favour really took off?

The plane flavor!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/TwatBadgerExpress
πŸ“…︎ Oct 24 2020
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What flavour of crisps do you get on an aircraft ?

Plain

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πŸ‘€︎ u/yekimevol
πŸ“…︎ Oct 20 2020
🚨︎ report
Why did the bag of crisps go to the hospital?

It had a snack-cident.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/jackdoescoolstuff
πŸ“…︎ Jul 25 2020
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What’s an airline pilots favourite flavour of crisps?

Plane

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Rob_Haggis
πŸ“…︎ Dec 08 2019
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What do you call a man who wears crisp packets as trousers?

Russell.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/kickypie
πŸ“…︎ Oct 21 2019
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I was cooking Thanksgiving dinner, and my wife said, β€œThese potatoes are burnt to a crisp!”

I said, β€œIt’s for tomorrow.”

Her: Huh?

Me: Tomorrow is Black Fry day.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Nov 22 2018
🚨︎ report
What brand of crisps are emotional?

Tearrell's.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/TommehBoi
πŸ“…︎ Jan 27 2019
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Coldplay's lead singer, Crisp Martin
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πŸ‘€︎ u/thepobv
πŸ“…︎ Oct 10 2017
🚨︎ report
Did you hear about the guy who overdosed on cheese and crisps?

He died of nacho-ral causes.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Un-Named
πŸ“…︎ Jul 23 2017
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Dracula is walking down a street in Transylvania when suddenly tons of sandwiches, mini sausage rolls, crisps, chicken wings and cocktail sausages fall on him...

Buried under all this food, his dying words were, "Oh no, it's Buffet the Vampire Slayer!"

πŸ‘︎ 16
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πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Oct 13 2017
🚨︎ report
A man walked into a bar and asked for helicopter flavoured and crisps...

Sorry sir, we only have plane!

πŸ‘︎ 15
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VideoNutterhead
πŸ“…︎ Jul 22 2017
🚨︎ report
A guy offers 2 crisp packets a lift

They say no thanks, we're Walkers

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πŸ‘€︎ u/BanadianCacon
πŸ“…︎ May 20 2018
🚨︎ report
A crisp image
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πŸ‘€︎ u/rm-f
πŸ“…︎ May 06 2015
🚨︎ report
'Crack'ed a one about crisps..

My parents had just bought lots of pombears and this happened. Me: Aww man did you not get the brown ones? Mam: No, sorry they didn't have them in. Me: oh well they all taste nice, Dad: If you think about it, they all end up brown in the end!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/imfuckingAMAzing
πŸ“…︎ Mar 16 2014
🚨︎ report
Settle a pun debate

I asked two friends for the best pun Bond would utter if he'd just shoved a bad guy into a huge industrial deep-fat fryer. Their responses were:

Friend #1: "Play with fryer, get burnt.
(Isn't there an old saying of don't play with fire unless you want to get burnt?)"

Friend #2: "Why is my instinct to say cool off there?
Let's assume it's christmas. 'Thats a real Crisped Kringle' is what I'd say
Or do I know the guy's dad? Let's say I do. 'Youre a chip of the old block'"

I know, I need new friends. Do me a favour redditors and please tell me whose pun is least awful? And if you have any better ones, I'm all ears! (Mine was "Thank God it's fry day", I'm sure you can all do better).

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/creaky_thumbs
πŸ“…︎ Nov 26 2020
🚨︎ report
What is Good King Wenceslas’s favourite type of pizza?

Deep pan, crisp and even

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πŸ‘€︎ u/DeejOne
πŸ“…︎ Dec 26 2020
🚨︎ report
Trucker's Breakfast

A trucker came intoΒ  a Truck Stop CafΓ© and placed his order with the waitress. He said "I want three flat tires, a pair of headlights and a pair of running boards."

The brand new blonde waitress, not wanting to appear stupid, went to the kitchen and said to the cook, "This guy out there just ordered three flat tires, a pair of headlights and a pair of running boards. What does he think this place is, an auto parts store?"

"No," the cook said.Β  "'three flat tires' mean three pancakes; 'a pair of headlights' are two eggs sunny side up; and 'a pair of running boards' are 2 slices of crisp bacon!"

"Oh.. OK!" said the blonde. She thought about it for a moment and then spooned up a bowl of beans and gave it to the customer.

The trucker asked, "What are the beans for, Blondie?"

She replied, "I thought while you were waiting for the flat tires, headlights and running boards, you might as well gas up!"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/DrBobShelton_74
πŸ“…︎ Nov 18 2020
🚨︎ report
Made my first dad joke in awaiting my wife to give birth.

Back story... sitting in the garden, social distancing bbq. One of our mates has a baby who was looking for food and such. I came out with a pack of skips crisp. Baby’s mum said β€˜gotta be careful, it’s got salt in it’,

To my amazement I said β€˜ they contain salt!’ To which my partner replies... why do u think there so addictive’

With out thinking i spluted’ so if I put salt on my dick it will be ad-dick-tive!

No one laughed but me.

πŸ‘︎ 21
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πŸ‘€︎ u/qit4444
πŸ“…︎ Jun 27 2020
🚨︎ report
A ham sandwich walks into a bar and orders a beer

The bartender says sorry, we don't serve food here

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πŸ‘€︎ u/dragoon2745
πŸ“…︎ Jun 08 2019
🚨︎ report
Funny 'Dads Anonymous' story to share for the holiday weekend.

"Welcome everyone to Dads Anonymous. Again my name is Bill and you will notice that we have a new member, please welcome Gary -- Can you tell us what brought you to us today?"

"Well I have a very embarrassing confession. It's even hard to get the words out."

Bill reassures him, "We are all dads here and have been meeting for decades, we've been through all the highs and lows, births and deaths, tragedies, we've heard it all. Just tell us what's on your mind son, we are here to support each other."

"Well, a couple months ago, I broke both my legs in a motorcycle accident and couldn't walk, so I let my wife use the lawnmower." He says through the sobs...

Bob, one of the other dads, starts to get pale. "...and she didn't even cut it in a crisp geometric pattern, it was just random..." Bob starts to sweat and get dry heaves. "YOU BASTARD", he screams. "HOW COULD YOU LET THAT HAPPEN." The dads rise and get ready to beat the crap out of Gary, when Bill stands between them and breaks it up.

"Guys! Guys, we all get weak sometimes and things happen outside our control. Doug, you remember when you were in recovering from Chemo and you gave your wife a hammer, and she used it to hammer a roofing nail into the drywall to hang a picture!" Doug, looks down in shame, "Yes, that was a bad day, I was so weak. She missed the stud and left a dent in the wall, and she just hung the picture over it, crooked!" There was dead silence. "Thats ok Doug, it was twenty years ago, you were young and foolish, you can let it go". Then all the dads shook hands and sat back down.

Bill starts the meeting up again. Then Gary says, "..theres one more thing, Right after I got out of the hospital, she wanted to make a special dinner for us, so I let her grill the steaks..." "OH LORD THIS CAN'T BE HAPPENING!" screams Dave, another dad, his face turning red. Gary continues "...she burnt them one one side and they were dry and chewy." Now there is a bedlam, one dad immediately passes out cold, chairs are thrown, broken bottles, Gary is on the ground being kicked in the ribs. After a few tense minutes Bill managed to get the dads off of Gary. "Stop it, Dave you're killing him. Come on, you remember that time you let your wife go to the repair shop for an oil change?" Dave hung his head, and muttered yeah. "They convinced her to change the cabin filter, wiper blades and the radiator collant..." Bill kept prodding "and, aaand" ...Dave broke down, "and she bought a jug of blinker fluid!" T

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/KW-DadJoker
πŸ“…︎ May 24 2020
🚨︎ report
What’s Chewbacca’s favorite cereal?

Wookie Crisp.

Here I was thinking I was so clever for coming up with this and apparently the joke has been around for years. Damn.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/KingInTheNorth57
πŸ“…︎ Apr 28 2020
🚨︎ report
Last night, I overcooked a British potato.

It was fried to a crisp.

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πŸ“…︎ Mar 28 2020
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What's the difference between an actor and a burnt rodent?

One's Chris Pratt, the other's a crisp rat.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/alex2502
πŸ“…︎ Jan 26 2020
🚨︎ report
What do you call santa if he goes down a lit chimney?

Crisp kringle

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πŸ‘€︎ u/specklesinc
πŸ“…︎ Dec 01 2019
🚨︎ report
I dressed up as bacon for halloween.

To say the least, i was looking pretty CRISP.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Blackfaceplant
πŸ“…︎ Nov 01 2019
🚨︎ report
Never get in a dance off with a potato slicer...

Their moves are too crisp.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Drondol
πŸ“…︎ Mar 10 2019
🚨︎ report
How do you make Chris Kringle Strip?

With a crisp single.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Cheweduproach
πŸ“…︎ Mar 25 2019
🚨︎ report
My ginger daughter said she wanted to get a tan

I went too far. Opened the fridge and now the poor things burnt to a crisp.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Naiphe
πŸ“…︎ Jan 26 2019
🚨︎ report
Got by my wife

She threw a bag of crisps at me, spilling my beer. I said why did you do that, to which she responded "I didn't mean to, it was a snacksident!"

πŸ‘︎ 92
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πŸ‘€︎ u/overkill
πŸ“…︎ Apr 01 2017
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So i was talking to my dad about guardians of the galaxy and when i mentioned Chris Pratt my dad sighs and says...

I dont know how parents can be mean enough to name their child after a fried rodent.. and i just sat there looking at him confused until he whispered...... "crisp rat"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/LordDobbington
πŸ“…︎ Mar 26 2018
🚨︎ report
Dessert Puns

I saw a white, fluffy thing swinging through my local cake shop. Suspect it was a meringue-utang.


I was out driving the other day and I spotted two packets of cheese & onion crisps walking down the road. I said, β€œDo you want a lift”. β€œNo thanks”, they replied, β€œWe’re Walkers”.


I was in a cake shop the other day, they were all Β£5 apart from one that was Β£10. I asked why it was so expensive, the shop owner said β€œthat’s maderia cake”.


Bought some cream, it said β€œstore in a cool place”. So I left it in the Doctor Who studios.


Local ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.


I used to love doughnuts, but I got bored of the whole thing.


A man says β€œI keep finding custard in one ear, and jelly in the other”. The doctor says β€œI’m afraid you are a trifle deaf”.


I bought a waffle iron the other day. Get really annoyed with wrinkled waffles.


How do you make an apple puff? Chase it around the garden


What do they call a man who abandoned his diet? DESSERTER.


Ice cream is exquisite… –what a pity it isn’t illegal.


The optimist sees the doughnut, the pessimist sees the hole, and the realist sees the calories.


Why did Eve bite the forbidden apple? Because it tasted better than Adam’s banana.


Why did the students eat their homework? Because the teacher said that it was a piece of cake.


Why do we put candles on top of a birthday cake? Because it’s too hard to put them on the bottom!


When is a birthday cake like a golf ball? When it’s been sliced.


What did the cake say to the fork? you want a piece of me?


Why was the birthday cake as hard as a rock? Because it was marble cake!


What happens when no one comes to your birthday party? You can have your cake and eat it too.


What do they serve at birthday parties in heaven? Angel food cake, of course!


A birthday greeting: For someone special as you, only ANGELFOOD would do. HAPPY BIRTHDAY!


Did you hear there are two suspects in Two Ton Charley’s death? BEN and JERRY.


Don’t eat too much fudge, or else you will have so much pudge you won’t be able to budge.


You know you’re a mom if… Popsicles have become a staple food.


Mexican candy makes my taste buds say β€œOLE!”


FORGET LOVE… I’

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Punsville
πŸ“…︎ May 28 2017
🚨︎ report
I thought I saw Santa Claus when I pulled my Scandinavian pastry out of the oven;

turns out it was just a crisp kringle.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/_Aerosaurus_
πŸ“…︎ Dec 24 2017
🚨︎ report
dad jokes my SO today

me: Honey, I burned almost 2000 calories today!!
her: Congrats!
me: Yeah, I left the tray of cookies in the oven too long and they were burnt to a crisp
her: ...

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πŸ‘€︎ u/pandahipstermagic
πŸ“…︎ Aug 14 2015
🚨︎ report
My dad dropped this one in the pub today

A man walked into a bar and asked for some helicopter crisps. "Sorry we don't have helicopter crisps" replied the Bartender. "Oh, I'll have plain instead then" said the man.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/dan994
πŸ“…︎ Nov 27 2013
🚨︎ report
My mate told me what his Dad did every time they went to the pub

He'd walk back with the crisps stuffed up his jumper then say, "Look how much weight I've put on just by going to the bar!" Then pull the crisps out and say, "Only joking!" I wish he'd been my Dad. So proud.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/mddc52
πŸ“…︎ Jun 06 2015
🚨︎ report
What do you get when you deep fry Santa?

a Crisped Kringle.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/bauldurpick
πŸ“…︎ Dec 24 2015
🚨︎ report
Just had my very own dad joke moment!! First time!

Bit of a dad joke newbie but I am picking it up quick; context is I am dating someone at the minute and we're discussing sunbeds when it hit me.

"Did you hear what happened to the potato who spent too long on the sunbed?"

"I heard he got burnt to a crisp"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/XiiG
πŸ“…︎ Feb 08 2016
🚨︎ report
I died after this incident.

So we are all standing around eating dessert and my girlfriend is explaining to my dad how she burnt the cookies. I attempt to quell her stresses by telling her "don't worry, me and my dad are crisponians and have a deeper taste for crisp". My father responds with "I may be a crisponian but this might be crisponite". Everyone in the room was laughing except for my 13 year old sister, it was priceless.

This is the same guy that, on a road trip (shortly after the wendy's "finger in chili incident"), was trying to persuade us to visit the establishment whilst passing by. When i said i didn't want to he said "What's the matter don't you like finger food?". He followed up with "Wendy's: We put a little bit of ourselves into everything we make.". And finally simultaneously made every passenger pee their pants when he raised a clenched fist and said "WENDY"S! WERE #1!!".

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πŸ‘€︎ u/kronox
πŸ“…︎ Sep 13 2013
🚨︎ report
How does good king Wenceslas like his pizza?

Deep pan, crisp, and even

πŸ‘︎ 22
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Crazy8wizard
πŸ“…︎ Dec 10 2017
🚨︎ report
Four days late but, How does Good King Wenceslaus like his pizza?

Deep pan, crisp and even.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/nongshim
πŸ“…︎ Dec 30 2017
🚨︎ report
Wonder if dad will trot this one out this year

How does King Wenceslas like his pizza? Deep pan crisp and even

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Notknow-knotnow
πŸ“…︎ Dec 05 2015
🚨︎ report

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