You need to look into it.
I was arrested and charged with battery
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 0
All in all it’s been a real pain in the ass!
Why did the tree moo?
Because there was a cow stuck in it!
But nobody knows his sister Kay, who provided all his snacks, sandwiches and drinks
I was like: is this some kind of yolk?!
Or did he planet?
Patients effected by this claim it's super callused fragile lips that smell like halitosis
A no bell piece prize
Me: Reach for the jalapenos to put on my enchiladas
Dad: Be careful. Those jalapenos can get really personal.
Me: What?
Dad: Yeah, they'll get jalap-en-yo business.
Me: Laugh hysterically
Son: Pa?
Dad: Yes son?
Son: Is that coffee I smell?
Dad: It is, and you do.
It was all about delivery
It was an accident, but when a relative saw the bump she tried to counsel me about shelf harm.
It was -5 degrees out, and he said, “Wow! It’s the coldest day of the year!”
So we get a book sent to our library, it was a little kids book called "I know all the letters of the alphabet." Me: looking at book "huh, I know all the letters of the alphabet?" Boss: "Yeah it got sent here by accident." Me: "You know I know only 25 letters of the alphabet." Boss: "Really?" Me: "Yeah I don't know why." Groaning was heard as the joke spread around the office.
At least it would have been a clean death.
But it was just a red herring.
How does three trees and three dog turds add up to ten?
Tree and a turd, tree and and turd, tree and a turd.
Been away on business for 2 weeks. Came back first diaper change 2 year old son had a blow out, I turn to my wife and say well that was a "poonami" then I got the groan...
Im helping clean out an old garage that's been filled with random storage for a couple decades. For the last 10ish years it's had a mouse problem.
A couple weeks ago I set out traps and none of us have had time to be there since. Came back today and three of the four had caught mice. Pretty happy with that.
I chucked out the carcasses and when I went to reset the traps I got a bit of a surprise and my comment drew my friend over.
"What's up?" he asks.
"Look at this," I reply, showing him the traps. "After the first three mice got caught another one came along, opened the lid, and ate the rest of the peanut butter. And then look at this! He stuck his nose into the fourth and are just enough of it not to trigger the trap!" Holding up the trap and showing the teeth marks in the peanut butter.
"That's...disturbing," he replies, "why'd you bait it with peanut butter though? Wouldn't fruit be better?"
"Well, I looked it up online, * and three out of four mice say it's to die for."
———
Until the * I genuinely intended to say why. But it was too good to pass up.
Also, anyone have a cat I can borrow?
http://imgur.com/fnwvHLe
'That's malarious' 😂
2 year old wanted to pretend my wife was a doctor and he and I were her patients. Aside from my waggling my eyebrows and telling her I'd play doctor with her later, while we were laying on the ground, our cat came up and started sniffing me.
I told my wife that I didn't consent to the CAT scan.
Now she needs a doctor after her eyes rolled out of her head.
Well, upon further consideration, maybe that yolk's two eyebrow.
We were towing a trailer in a very underpowered van, and in front of us was a car towing a horse trailer. I said "they're pulling away from us.... but they do have a few more horse power."
She wasn't amused.
Was eating burgers with the wife and daughter when my wife (who picked up the food) said, "I was going to get us singles, but I went with the double. Just felt in the mood for a meatier burger."
"Did your burger kill the dinosaurs?" I deadpanned.
"What?"
"Your burger. You said it was a meteor burger."
"Meatier...meatier...METEOR Burger? Goddammit, goober."
My wife and I were laying in bed one night and heard our dog snoring.
My wife mentions that maybe our dog has doggie sleep apnea.
I replied, "Well maybe we should get her a C-Pup..."
Wife: "uggghhhh"
It was a pretty bad case
I was flipping the eggs, and he came in, and in his most obnoxious voice said "you must be part dolphin, cause you're a good flipper"
I guess it's a byelighter now.
Walking outside on our way to Nordstrom's rack and my wife says, "let's hit up the rack, I hear they have a pretty sizable maternity section". I grinned at her and she said these jokes need to stop. (Note: Nordstrom's rack has no maternity section, we were left disappointed)
Son: Dad! I got a new jersey, and it's actually school colors!
Me: Cool! Maybe you can get a maryland or delaware in school colors too!
Son: ... disgusted sigh
And yes, I cracked up laughing like a madman!
My dad and I talking about some statistic
Me- "You need to just look at the data."
Dad-"Day-tuh." (correcting my pronunciation which he does any chance he can get)
Me-"Data."
Dad-"No, I'm dada."
Groans shared by his girlfriend and I while he cracks up.
