Or did he planet?
Patients effected by this claim it's super callused fragile lips that smell like halitosis
I was like: is this some kind of yolk?!
A no bell piece prize
Son: Pa?
Dad: Yes son?
Son: Is that coffee I smell?
Dad: It is, and you do.
It was all about delivery
It was an accident, but when a relative saw the bump she tried to counsel me about shelf harm.
It was -5 degrees out, and he said, “Wow! It’s the coldest day of the year!”
A real dillemma.
But it was just a red herring.
Me: Reach for the jalapenos to put on my enchiladas
Dad: Be careful. Those jalapenos can get really personal.
Me: What?
Dad: Yeah, they'll get jalap-en-yo business.
Me: Laugh hysterically
At least it would have been a clean death.
So we get a book sent to our library, it was a little kids book called "I know all the letters of the alphabet." Me: looking at book "huh, I know all the letters of the alphabet?" Boss: "Yeah it got sent here by accident." Me: "You know I know only 25 letters of the alphabet." Boss: "Really?" Me: "Yeah I don't know why." Groaning was heard as the joke spread around the office.
Been away on business for 2 weeks. Came back first diaper change 2 year old son had a blow out, I turn to my wife and say well that was a "poonami" then I got the groan...
How does three trees and three dog turds add up to ten?
Tree and a turd, tree and and turd, tree and a turd.
Im helping clean out an old garage that's been filled with random storage for a couple decades. For the last 10ish years it's had a mouse problem.
A couple weeks ago I set out traps and none of us have had time to be there since. Came back today and three of the four had caught mice. Pretty happy with that.
I chucked out the carcasses and when I went to reset the traps I got a bit of a surprise and my comment drew my friend over.
"What's up?" he asks.
"Look at this," I reply, showing him the traps. "After the first three mice got caught another one came along, opened the lid, and ate the rest of the peanut butter. And then look at this! He stuck his nose into the fourth and are just enough of it not to trigger the trap!" Holding up the trap and showing the teeth marks in the peanut butter.
"That's...disturbing," he replies, "why'd you bait it with peanut butter though? Wouldn't fruit be better?"
"Well, I looked it up online, * and three out of four mice say it's to die for."
———
Until the * I genuinely intended to say why. But it was too good to pass up.
Also, anyone have a cat I can borrow?
http://imgur.com/fnwvHLe
Well, upon further consideration, maybe that yolk's two eyebrow.
'That's malarious' 😂
2 year old wanted to pretend my wife was a doctor and he and I were her patients. Aside from my waggling my eyebrows and telling her I'd play doctor with her later, while we were laying on the ground, our cat came up and started sniffing me.
I told my wife that I didn't consent to the CAT scan.
Now she needs a doctor after her eyes rolled out of her head.
Ruined retina display.
We were towing a trailer in a very underpowered van, and in front of us was a car towing a horse trailer. I said "they're pulling away from us.... but they do have a few more horse power."
She wasn't amused.
My wife and I were laying in bed one night and heard our dog snoring.
My wife mentions that maybe our dog has doggie sleep apnea.
I replied, "Well maybe we should get her a C-Pup..."
Wife: "uggghhhh"
It was a pretty bad case
Was eating burgers with the wife and daughter when my wife (who picked up the food) said, "I was going to get us singles, but I went with the double. Just felt in the mood for a meatier burger."
"Did your burger kill the dinosaurs?" I deadpanned.
"What?"
"Your burger. You said it was a meteor burger."
"Meatier...meatier...METEOR Burger? Goddammit, goober."
I was flipping the eggs, and he came in, and in his most obnoxious voice said "you must be part dolphin, cause you're a good flipper"
I guess it's a byelighter now.
Walking outside on our way to Nordstrom's rack and my wife says, "let's hit up the rack, I hear they have a pretty sizable maternity section". I grinned at her and she said these jokes need to stop. (Note: Nordstrom's rack has no maternity section, we were left disappointed)
Son: Dad! I got a new jersey, and it's actually school colors!
Me: Cool! Maybe you can get a maryland or delaware in school colors too!
Son: ... disgusted sigh
And yes, I cracked up laughing like a madman!
How do you make a Venetian blind?
Poke him in the eyes.
everybody around groans
My dad and I talking about some statistic
Me- "You need to just look at the data."
Dad-"Day-tuh." (correcting my pronunciation which he does any chance he can get)
Me-"Data."
Dad-"No, I'm dada."
Groans shared by his girlfriend and I while he cracks up.
Me: My phone died.
Dad: Have you tried CPR: Cell Phone Resuscitation?
So we pass a street with a sign that says "Garage Sale"
My mother points out "Oh look a garage sale lets stop by!"
My father then responds with "I think our garage doors work fine no need for new ones!"
A piece of toast fell on my friends lap as we were getting our food.
Daughter: "hey, it's laptoast."
Mom: "I hope you're not laptoast intolerant."
We were doing early morning review sessions for AP euro. I was running late and instead of cooking breakfast, I just grabbed a package of ramen noodles to eat in review.
While in review, I was happily munching on my 'breakfast' when my teacher walked up to me. The following conversation ensued.
Teacher: What are you eating?
Me: Just some ramen.
Teacher: Raw?
Me: Yeah, I like it raw.
Teacher: You don't cook it?
Me: Sometimes when I have the time.
Teacher: Well, you know, if you cooked it, it wouldn't be RAWmen.
groan
If I ever bought a boat, I would call it the "S.S. Un Boat Boat"
(tumbleweed)
Preface: My dad, mom, and I went out to eat mexican food. Like we usually do, we order a huge platter of nachos and demolish the whole thing. Surely we are full even before our main course arrives. We all ordered combination platters that consisted of, burritos, enchiladas, and tacos which were overflowing with lettuce that no one except for my mom wanted to eat. My mom kept on nagging my dad and I to eat the lettuce so that it would lighten us up and make us feel less full:
Mom (for the 10th time): You boys should eat your lettuce. Come on now.
Me: Mom lettuce be!
Immediately my mom cringed and groaned, while my dad, after repeating the joke, gave a hearty chuckle.
Figured this would be appropriate here: (mildly nsfw [foul language in article])
http://www.cracked.com/blog/4-lame-jokes-you-start-telling-as-soon-as-you-become-dad/?utm_source=facebook&utm_medium=fanpage&utm_campaign=new+article&wa_ibsrc=fanpage%2F
I was at band practice, and my friend was getting agitated by a bee that was flying around him.
Me:"What're you doing?" Him:"There's a bee that's flying around me and it won't go away." Me: "Well then just let it...be"
So yesterday I had vision correction surgery and on the ride home my mom called. My dad answered it via the car phone and my mom was asking how it went and all that. The conversation went as follows:
Mom: Hi how are you doing? How's Phil?
Dad: Hi we are good. He was in and out in about 20 minutes and they gave him a CD with only one track on it as part of the recovery package.
Mom: Really? What for?
Dad: Just to ease the anxiety he may experience shortly after the surgery. It's the song I can see clearly now.
My mom proceeded to crack up over the phone and I think she accidentally hung up as well. My girlfriend and I were laughing hysterically as well.
Knowing my dad, he couldn't wait to drop that one.
We're watching the episode of The Walking Dead where the characters dress up in zombie guts and chunks to blend in with the zombies.
My sister goes "it must take a lot of guts to do that!"
Did you hear that the cemetery is the most popular place in the world?
Everyone's dying to go there!
We were watching golf and I was talking about about how Tiger Woods used to be my hero.
My Dad responded with, "Aye, now he's the type you never Hear-oh."
I fought him off with a vacuum cleaner. Talk about Dyson with death."
My brother was taking some aspirin Dad: Why isn't there any aspirin in the jungle Me: damnit go on Dad: because the parrots-eat-em'all (paracetamol)
I was buying cake and candles for my wife's 29th birthday yesterday. The clerk scanned the cake and the "2" and "9" candles and said, "Oh, someone's having a birthday, huh?"
"Yup, it's my wife's birthday today," I replied. "It's amazing, really. She's already 92, yet she doesn't look a day over 90."
How many mushrooms can you fit in a mushroom?
A lot because there's so mush-room!
