I'm a server at a restaurant part time, and the other week I was serving a table of around 8 people. I went over to check on them and see if anyone was done so I could clear their plates. They said they weren't done...
Me - Okay I was just checking, I don't want you to think I'm rushin you.
The dad - Yeah I don't think anybody here is Russian.
Me - Yeah but is anyone Finnish?
The whole table busted out laughing. I walked away satisfied and was also left a handsome tip.
A guy holding a large bundle of birthday balloons got into my cab last night.
Him: So... do you accept balloon payments?
Me: Normally I would, but inflation has just been so high recently...
Vegetable
I guess there is a mis-cat-culation
Sinds then I have started to take countermeasures to avoid that
Edit: ignore the "last" I messed it up...
The clerk replies “It’s a freebie”
Tonight I'm putting the mouse in the bathroom.
"Don't mind if I Zoo."
She just gave me a glare and went back to what she was doing.
Totally worth it.
Let's say I raised the bar and set the steaks.
Wait, wrong sub.
"I'm looking for an inexpensive pet and I heard your birds are going cheep"
He found his way to the men's department where a young lady offered to help him. "Quiero calcetines," said the man.
"I don't speak Spanish, but we have some very nice suits over here," said the salesgirl. "No, no quiero trajes. Quiero calcetines," said the man.
"Well, these shirts are on sale this week," declared the salesgirl. "No, no quiero camisas. Quiero calcetines," repeated the man.
"I still don't know what you're trying to say. We have some fine pants on this rack," offered the salesgirl. "No, no quiero pantalones. Quiero calcetines," insisted the man.
"These sweaters are top quality," the salesgirl probed. "No, no quiero sueter. Quiero calcetines," said the man.
"Our undershirts are over here," fumbled the salesgirl, beginning to lose patience. "No, no quiero camisetas. Quiero calcetines," the man repeated.
As they passed the underwear counter, the man spotted a display of socks and happily grabbed a pair. Holding them up he proclaimed, "¡Eso sí que es!"
"Why didn't you just spell it in the first place?!" yelled the salesgirl.
Light blue
Edit: Thank you fellow internet strangers for all the awards!
He later apologized for his mis-steak.
It was counter-productive
(My cat didn’t laugh at it either)
Never take quartz for granite.
It was counter intuitive.
I just hope he doesn’t take it for granite
Germany
As it landed upon my foot, I exclaimed
I took a Tomato Tomato!!
I have to admit... it was a pretty good counter argument.
That would mean a banana tree is a nuclear plant.
"You're a few weeks late aren't you Santa?" the girl behind the counter joked, smiling.
"Ho, ho, ho!" I fired back at her, in an uncharacteristic misogynistic outburst.
The guy behind the counter said to my dad, "Are you going to put it up yourself?".
Dad replied, "Don't be disgusting, I'm going to put it in the living room."
He's counter intuitive
Butcher tells him if he can jump up and touch it, he gets half off his purchase. If not, he pays double. The man looks up at the beef and says,
“Nah. The steaks are too high.”
For granite.
Being counter-productive
I took it for granite.
I was just trying to spruce up the mood
The man frowns. “What do you mean it’s a secret? What’s the special today? Is it a latte?”
The barista shakes her head.
“A mocha?”
She shakes her head again.
“Oh, come on! Tell me! A cappuccino?”
She shakes her head.
“An affogato?”
She shakes her head.
The man is getting frustrated at this point. “Can you at least give me a clue!?”
The barista thinks for a moment, then points at a jar on the counter. “Ok, the special is in this jar.”
“What is it?”
“I can’t tell you. It’s a secret.”
The man, enraged at this point, tries to grab the jar.
The barista grabs it too.
They fight for control and the man wretches it away only for the jar to fall on the ground and its contents spill out onto the floor.
The man stares, “It’s just been normal coffee this whole time?!”
The barista shrugs, “I guess you spilled the beans.”
One man pulled an old guitar off the wall that hadn’t been tuned in years and gave it to the octopus.
The octopus took the guitar, tuned it right up and began play.
There was no doubt that the octopus was an excellent guitar player.
The man paid his handler $50 and sat down.
Another man brought a saxophone to the octopus.
The octopus took it and stared for a bit.
After a minute or two the octopus began playing a deep and soulful jazz solo.
This man paid his $50 and sat down.
The bartender went into the back and brought out a set of bag pipes.
The bartender said, “I’ll bet $100 that the octopus can’t play these bagpipes.”
The man agreed and handed them to the octopus.
The octopus sat there eyeing the bagpipes up and down for quite awhile.
The handler began to get nervous so he said to the octopus, “Hurry up and start playing the thing”
The octopus spewed, “Play it?! I wanna marry her!"
The elderly woman clerk quickly realized it was fake and became enraged!! She started screaming, grabbed his hair and slammed his head on the counter until he was out cold.
She was SO upset she had a counter fit.
I wanted to see what came first, the chicken or the egg.
The bartender eventually asks if the horse wants a drink.
The horse says "Neigh"
I could really see myself buying it
If you put a pumpkin on ram A, nothing happens. If you put a pumpkin on ram B you get the same result.
But if you put a pumpkin on Ram C it starts knocking things off counters, making a mess and abusing the kitchen staff.
I guess that is what happens when you put a gourd on ram c in the kitchen.
and the lady says, "You have any bags to check?"
The photon says, "No. I'm traveling light."
