π︎ 10
π
︎ Jul 07 2019
At the checkout counter at my daughterβs favorite clothing store:
Clerk, attempting to add me to their email list: βDo you have a good email?β
Me: βItβs pretty good but I donβt know that I would brag about it. Thank you for asking.β
Clerk, as everyone around begins to laugh: βI love dad jokes. I need to call my dadβ
My daughter tried to fain embarrassment but still tells that story at family gatherings.
π︎ 16
π
︎ Mar 21 2021
An old guy goes to the chemist and asks the pharmacist, "Is there some pills that can help with sex?" The pharmacist says, "Yes, Viagra, it's awesome, I take it myself" The old guy asks, "Can you get it over the counter?" Pharmacist replies, "If I took 2 or 3, probably."
π︎ 10
π
︎ Feb 23 2021
What do the chefs call that one counter where all the veggies are kept?
π︎ 10
π
︎ Feb 12 2021
My cat fell off the kitchen counter trying to push the food bowl...
I guess there is a mis-cat-culation
π︎ 2
π
︎ Feb 07 2021
First last time I made a kichen counter it was too small
Sinds then I have started to take countermeasures to avoid that
Edit: ignore the "last" I messed it up...
π︎ 7
π
︎ Dec 21 2020
A man walks into a pet store and asks for a dozen bees. The clerk carefully counts 13 bees out onto the counter. βThatβs one too many!β says the customer.
The clerk replies βItβs a freebieβ
π︎ 23k
π
︎ Mar 11 2020
Last night my son saw a mouse in the kitchen so he wiped down all the counters and cleaned everything...
Tonight I'm putting the mouse in the bathroom.
π︎ 49
π
︎ Oct 28 2020
Dis(s)counter
π︎ 8
π
︎ Sep 02 2020
When I came home today my wife had some Little Debbie Zerbra Cakes on the counter. I pick one up and say "A Zebra Cake?"
"Don't mind if I Zoo."
She just gave me a glare and went back to what she was doing.
Totally worth it.
π︎ 31
π
︎ Aug 23 2020
I really want to buy one of the grocery checkout dividers but the lady behind the counter keeps putting it back
π︎ 10k
π
︎ Sep 09 2019
I own a steakhouse pub in which the counter can actually pop in and out of the floor
Let's say I raised the bar and set the steaks.
π︎ 11
π
︎ Oct 02 2020
Since this is a βNanaβ tree (common name for Juniperus Procumens Green Mountain Juniper bonsai), it was suggested I have a βbaβ. Therefore, since the stock ticker for Boeing is BA, I bought a toy 787. That means there is now a βbananaβ on the counter.
π︎ 12
π
︎ Jul 30 2020
An beautiful woman orders a turkey sandwich at a deli, with pickles on the side. The guy behind the counter looks at her and says, "You like big pickles?" and winks. As he slides her a pastrami sandwich she looks at him, smiles, licks her lips and says
π︎ 671
π
︎ Feb 04 2020
I walked into the pet store and I spoke to the guy at the counter.
"I'm looking for an inexpensive pet and I heard your birds are going cheep"
π︎ 59
π
︎ May 10 2020
I asked the guy at the meat counter for a couple of t-bones, but he gave me some sirloins instead.
He later apologized for his mis-steak.
π︎ 4
π
︎ Jul 17 2020
My cat got on my bathroom counter and started knocking things off
It was counter-productive
(My cat didnβt laugh at it either)
π︎ 12
π
︎ Jul 07 2020
A cat that is naturally good at navigating kitchen surfaces is counter intuitive.
π︎ 19
π
︎ Feb 06 2020
Sorry Iβm late for cinco de Mayo. What do you call churros that have sat out on your counter all day?
π︎ 3
π
︎ May 08 2020
My buddy just installed a new counter top
I just hope he doesnβt take it for granite
π︎ 11
π
︎ Mar 14 2020
What does a country in Europe have to do with a dirty counter?
π︎ 3
π
︎ Jun 08 2020
I made a salad when the tomato rolled off the counter
As it landed upon my foot, I exclaimed
I took a Tomato Tomato!!
π︎ 6
π
︎ Sep 24 2019
Bananas produce enough radiation to set off sensitive geiger counters.
That would mean a banana tree is a nuclear plant.
π︎ 26
π
︎ Feb 08 2020
Wouldn't 'Counter Clock Wise' just be
π︎ 7
π
︎ Feb 11 2020
Man walks into a butcher store and sees a side of beef strapped to the ceiling. As he approaches the counter he asked asks βHey, whatβs with the beef?β
Butcher tells him if he can jump up and touch it, he gets half off his purchase. If not, he pays double. The man looks up at the beef and says,
βNah. The steaks are too high.β
π︎ 8
π
︎ Nov 01 2019
Those counter top companies are taking money
π︎ 23
π
︎ Aug 01 2019
I was too rough with my kitchen counter and it broke.
π︎ 24
π
︎ Sep 14 2019
A guy walks into a coffee shop, goes the counter and asks, βSo whatβs the special?β The barista shakes her head, βI canβt tell you, itβs a secret.β
The man frowns. βWhat do you mean itβs a secret? Whatβs the special today? Is it a latte?β
The barista shakes her head.
βA mocha?β
She shakes her head again.
βOh, come on! Tell me! A cappuccino?β
She shakes her head.
βAn affogato?β
She shakes her head.
The man is getting frustrated at this point. βCan you at least give me a clue!?β
The barista thinks for a moment, then points at a jar on the counter. βOk, the special is in this jar.β
βWhat is it?β
βI canβt tell you. Itβs a secret.β
The man, enraged at this point, tries to grab the jar.
The barista grabs it too.
They fight for control and the man wretches it away only for the jar to fall on the ground and its contents spill out onto the floor.
The man stares, βItβs just been normal coffee this whole time?!β
The barista shrugs, βI guess you spilled the beans.β
π︎ 7
π
︎ Oct 12 2019
I got fired for changing the wood on my jobs counter
I was just trying to spruce up the mood
π︎ 7
π
︎ Oct 13 2019
A man walked into a bar with his pet octopus. He went up to the counter and bet everyone in the bar $50 that they couldnβt bring the octopus a musical instrument that it couldnβt play...
One man pulled an old guitar off the wall that hadnβt been tuned in years and gave it to the octopus.
The octopus took the guitar, tuned it right up and began play.
There was no doubt that the octopus was an excellent guitar player.
The man paid his handler $50 and sat down.
Another man brought a saxophone to the octopus.
The octopus took it and stared for a bit.
After a minute or two the octopus began playing a deep and soulful jazz solo.
This man paid his $50 and sat down.
The bartender went into the back and brought out a set of bag pipes.
The bartender said, βIβll bet $100 that the octopus canβt play these bagpipes.β
The man agreed and handed them to the octopus.
The octopus sat there eyeing the bagpipes up and down for quite awhile.
The handler began to get nervous so he said to the octopus, βHurry up and start playing the thingβ
The octopus spewed, βPlay it?! I wanna marry her!"
π︎ 9
π
︎ Oct 06 2019
A guy walks up to the convenience store counter and tries to buy a six pack with a fake $20 bill.
The elderly woman clerk quickly realized it was fake and became enraged!! She started screaming, grabbed his hair and slammed his head on the counter until he was out cold.
She was SO upset she had a counter fit.
π︎ 11
π
︎ Sep 21 2019
I found a great mirror behind the counter at a mirror store
I could really see myself buying it
π︎ 5
π
︎ Dec 08 2018
A friend and I went to Mcdonalds. They have these new digital machines you order from. I had my friend order a mc-chicken at the counter at the same time I ordered an egg McMuffin at the machine.
I wanted to see what came first, the chicken or the egg.
π︎ 21
π
︎ Aug 13 2019
A horse walks into a bar and stands next to the counter quietly.
The bartender eventually asks if the horse wants a drink.
The horse says "Neigh"
π︎ 8
π
︎ Jul 24 2019
Counter space should be appreciated.
π︎ 10
π
︎ Mar 21 2019
βMay I have your finest scotch please?β, I asked the guy behind the counter.
βItβs just a roll of tape, sir,β said the cashier at Staples.
π︎ 273
π
︎ Mar 18 2018
A photon walks up to the airline counter
and the lady says, "You have any bags to check?"
The photon says, "No. I'm traveling light."
π︎ 138
π
︎ Jul 03 2018
I saw a bunch of ants eating my chocolate bar on the kitchen counter.
π︎ 17
π
︎ Feb 13 2019
Guess what kinds of shirts the terrorists wear in Counter Strike?
π︎ 5
π
︎ Feb 05 2019
I was running late getting the kids ready this morning. We finally got downstairs and I yell for my daughter. "Oh no sweetie! Look at what happened! Who peed on the counter!?"
https://imgur.com/a/vYT7ZBx
She's 3. "Dad...that's...a pea. Not...pee."
"That's what I said. Pea!'
ΰ² ΰ²Ώ_ΰ²
π︎ 8
π
︎ Jun 24 2019
So I told my son to make sure the counter was flat so nothing would fall off.
I went to double check his work and he was wrong on so many levels
π︎ 2
π
︎ Jul 30 2019
I walked into a bookshop and said to the girl behind the counter, "I'm looking for a book by Shakespeare."
"Which one?" she asked.
I replied, "William."
π︎ 96
π
︎ Jan 06 2018
Why did the loaf of bread jump out of the oven and back onto the counter?
Because it always feels good to be kneaded.
π︎ 5
π
︎ Jun 23 2019
a blind man walks into a takeaway and asks the woman behind the counter "can i have a pepperoni pizza please"
the woman states "sir this is a library"
the blind man replies "oh sorry, ^(can i have a pepperoni pizza please) "
π︎ 33
π
︎ Mar 02 2019
Installed a new kitchen counter top the other day.
My family took it for granite.
π︎ 7
π
︎ Feb 20 2019
This morning, my wife asked if I wanted her to throw out my can of sparkling water that had been on the counter all night.
I replied, "No I'll drink it. It's still water."
π︎ 7
π
︎ Feb 17 2019
Iβm opening up a new counter top company
Itβs called, Take It For Granite
π︎ 7
π
︎ Dec 21 2018
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