The youngest girl in our family wants to be a male semiconductor device for amplifying, controlling, and generating electrical signals when she grows up.
If a car had a computer controlling it, a virus could crash it.
Have you seen that clown that has a really hard time controlling his emotions?
Did you hear the conspiracy about almonds secretly controlling the world?
They're called the illuminutty.
I hired a pest control company and I think I got ripped off
My children are still here
Someone randomly dropped off a bull in my neighbor’s yard, but animal control picked it up before she got home.
She would have had a cow.
The inventor of the remote control has died.
They just don't know where he is.
What do you call a battleship control room that covers a belly button?
The government is using chemicals to control the people.
But not me; I'm a free radical.
Jehovah's Witness favourite band.
After all this home schooling, my kid finally lost control
I hid the control for the TV
I’m not even remotely sorry
Today, on the news, there was an incident in my town where a city bus lost control and landed on top of a house. No one was killed and the city is paying all passengers.
I guess you can say the bus ride was on the house.
I work as a quality control specialist for my local toothpaste company
every tube so far has been in mint condition
I'll make sure to control my anger next time
My remote control batteries died today.
So I gave them away, free of charge.
Our Tea Company only allows men in the quality control department. It is a requirement,
Misunderstanding on purpose
My favourite 'dad joke' is purposefully misunderstanding the kids and watching their disbelief as they try and reword things so even an idiot can understand. We have a family app so they need permission to download some apps onto their devices (because we are "controlling" 🙂).
So every now and then this will happen:
Child : Can I get an app?
Me : sure, if you're tired just go and lie down.
Child: no, an APP
Me: yes, lie DOWN
Child: No, I need an... I want a...I just want...an app.
Me: or an early night?
Child: weary sigh
Me: you do look tired
- thinking I'm the best joker in history*
That was a short version. If it didn't make sense, read it aloud.
The kids will put me in a home at the first opportunity.
Seems the Weekend had compete creative control for the halftime special and brought in his own production team.
I guess Everybody's Working For the Weekend.
Have you heard about the evil group of men who control all the world’s cheese?
Playing rainbow six using Calculator as a controller
I love puns, butt this is getting outta control
Why are oysters the best at crowd control?
'cause they always be screamin' : "ALLRIGHT EVERYBODY CLAM DOWN !!!"
Did You Hear About the Crosseyed Teacher?
She couldn’t control her pupils
Why did the cross eyed teacher get fired?
He couldn't control his pupils.
Not to brag, but I experimented a lot with drugs and sex when I was in college.
Unfortunately I was part of the control group.
I can control the element. The element of....
Pest control companies...
Do they all have a lice-nse?
What is the opposite of a croissant?
I went to a warehouse that held replacement keyboard keys. Huge bins overflowing with letters, numbers, function keys, boxes blocking the aisles full of arrows, and Windows and Apple keys. Space bars everywhere!
They were out of Control.
Luckily I found an Escape.
I got Home eventually.
My wife asked for a divorce today, saying I was too un-American.
I saw it coming from a kilometer away.
A drunk wakes up in jail, "Why am I here officer?"
"For drinking." replies the cop.
"Great" says the man. "When do we start?"
I got into an argument with my video game character
He said I was too controlling.
What do you call a native Alaskan eye doctor??
An Optical Aleutian
I’ll see myself out...
I cannot afford the new PS5 and it's getting me down
No-one knows how to console me.
Scientists developed a male birth control gel but it only targets the X/Y chromosome
Theyre calling it "Son-Block"
I can't find the control for my TV.
It must be in a remote location.
The mayor in my city just passed law that male best friends have to have lunch together at least once a week
Well it’s not a law it’s a mandate
Why is “beefstew” an unsafe password to use?
Because it’s not Stroganoff.
A friend of mine went bald years ago, but still carries around an old comb.
He just can't part with it.
I got myself a universal remote control
And man, it changes everything.
Why do mission controllers count down on takeoff?
If they counted up the space shuttle would never take off.
If you rearrange the letters of MAILMEN
The cross eyed school teacher was fired.
She couldn’t control her pupils.
I can't find the control for my TV.
It must be in a remote location.
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