My wife left me because I couldn’t stop doing impressions of pasta
I couldn’t rush more than this to post it!
Some friends wanted to get married at the public library, but they couldn't...
Because it was booked.
-My Pops
Why couldn't the toilet paper cross the road?
Because it got stuck in a crack.
(This joke was my daughters suggestion)
My sister bet that I couldn't build a car out of spaghetti.
You should have seen her face when I drove pasta.
Ha Weave (Was going to cross post from r/wholesomememes but couldn't find the sub)
I was able to get an early flight home so I decided to surprise my wife. Got home about 10 PM. Walked in my bedroom with some flowers, and to my complete surprise, there is my wife in bed with my best friend. I couldn't believe it.
I then yelled for my dog to get off the bed.
Why couldn’t the athlete listen to music?
Because she’d broken the record
Why couldn't the ocean wave?
Why couldn't the computer take it's hat off?
The band Linkin Park couldn't agree where to have dinner. They could have Chinese, Mexican..
..Indian. It doesn't even matter.
Paper boy couldn’t finish his paper route
I hired a landscape gardner but he couldn't help..
he said my garden was portrait.
Once when I was a kid, my parents couldn't find me while I was sleeping during an afternoon
That's because I was kidnapped.
Our dad was in the hospital and they asked us his blood type but we couldn’t remember and he didn’t make it.
As he died, he kept insisting for us to "be positive," but it's hard without him.
I couldn’t afford a weight set so I tried to work out using 3 liter bottles of Dr Pepper, but instead of getting stronger it made me feel sad.
It was just soda pressing.
My family wanted me to fly out for the holidays. I told them I couldn't because I was banned by all airlines. When my family asked "why". I looked them dead in the eyes and told them the truth- It's because....
I was at an Indian restaurant, and couldn't get bread as an appetizer.
It would be a naan starter.
What did the farmer say when he couldn’t find his tractor?
I couldn’t sign the consent form for my prostate exam as the seat was too far away from the desk
The dr. said “Would you like me to push in your stool?”
Why couldn't I connect my phone to the car?
Did you hear about the man who couldn't stop blowing his "duck call" whistle?
He was addicted to quack.
At first I couldn't figure out my automatic armor
but then it donned on me.
Why couldn’t the lemon and the lime have sex?
Because that would be inzest.
My girlfriend bet me I couldn’t make a racing car out of spaghetti…
You should’ve seen her face when I drove pasta
Why couldn't the lightning rod go play with its friends?
Went on the roof of the municipal court last week, and someone told me I couldn't be there.
I told them I was above the law.
(It's a joke, i didn't really go on the roof of the municipal court last week)
Why couldn’t the nose choose its favorite smell?
Because it was too picky.
I told my doctor I couldn't hear in my left ear. He ask if I was sure.
I said yes, I am definite.
I was at the zoo’s aquatic exhibit, staring at the lone dolphin and pondering that I couldn’t remember what noise they make.
My electricians a great guy. I told him I was worried about my set for my upcoming standup gig and couldn't figure out what material to use.
He just stared me in the eyes and said, "it's all about the crowds energy, joule know watt to use"
My wife couldn’t find anyone to help her with a natural child birth.
She was having a midwife crisis.
Why couldn’t the 10 year old get into the pirate movie?
Why couldn't the middle-aged marsupial get a job at Starbucks?
Why the frog couldn’t take part in freedom convoy in Ottawa?
Because his truck got toad.
Why couldn't the pepper practice archery?
Because he didn't habanero.
My waiter couldn’t find my table when he was bringing me my food.
Why couldn’t the bicycle stand on its own?
You ever hear about the chameleon that couldn't change colors?
It had a reptile disfunction...
I sat next to a baby on a ten hour flight, and I couldn’t believe that someone could cry for ten hours straight.
Even the baby seemed surprised.
We hired some builders to build us a house, when paying we were concerned because we couldn't see anything about a roof...
After bringing it up with the builders they said "don't worry it's on the house"
Why couldn't the green pepper practice archery?
Because it didn't habanero.
This was sent to me by my niece. She'll make a great dad one day.
Why couldn’t the cat watch the movie?
The video was stuck on paws.
Why couldn’t the dying car drive into the cluttered garage?
My 9yo daughter just zinged me. Couldn't be prouder
We write our grocery list on a whiteboard. She wrote down " tri-erase markers". I told her "honey they are dry erase not try erase". Without missing a beat she says "Well I wanted three". 🥰
A friend of mine couldn't take it anymore and sold a part of his fruit delivery service.
It was literally driving him bananas.
Why couldn't the toilet paper cross the road ?
Why couldn't the computer take it's hat off?
Because caps lock was on.
Why couldn’t the computer take it’s hat off?
It forgot to take Caps Lock off.
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