My wife is trying to convince me she doesn’t poop.

I think she’s full of crap.

πŸ‘︎ 3k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/zerok_nyc
πŸ“…︎ May 11 2022
🚨︎ report
I tried to convince my professor that I can fill a bottomless bucket with water

Turns out my theory doesn’t hold water

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Gear3017
πŸ“…︎ Jun 10 2022
🚨︎ report
How did the Pharaohs convince people to build their monuments?

It was a pyramid scheme.

πŸ‘︎ 594
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πŸ“…︎ Jan 09 2022
🚨︎ report
An environmental group in Denmark is trying to convince the government to use recycled Legos to re-pave their highways...

...unfortunately, they've still facing a lot of road blocks.

πŸ‘︎ 34
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πŸ‘€︎ u/KW-DadJoker
πŸ“…︎ Mar 30 2022
🚨︎ report
I was convinced the other day I'd thought of a brand new colour...

Turns out it was just a pigment of my imagination.

πŸ‘︎ 39
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πŸ‘€︎ u/sar_tr
πŸ“…︎ Mar 26 2022
🚨︎ report
My wife tried to convince me to go spelunking.

I didn't want to do it at first, but I eventually caved.

πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ‘€︎ u/InformHUN99
πŸ“…︎ Apr 17 2022
🚨︎ report
How did John Lennon convince his son to eat his vegetables?

He told him to give peas a chance.

πŸ‘︎ 17
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πŸ‘€︎ u/juniorlax16
πŸ“…︎ Mar 13 2022
🚨︎ report
I'm convinced that people without kids do nothing to contribute to society...

...they're completely youthless.

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/AADPS
πŸ“…︎ Mar 20 2022
🚨︎ report
I finally convinced my wife that since we can barely afford one kid, a second one just didn't make any financial sense

Fortunately the first one is now able to get all the toys he wants after we sold child number two.

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Apr 11 2022
🚨︎ report
A list of over 350 Dad Jokes!

Save them to your Phone and always have witty jokes at the palm of your hand.

3.14 percent of sailors are pi-rates.

5/4 of people admit they’re bad at fractions.

A bartender broke up with her boyfriend, but he kept asking her for another shot.

A brain walks into a bar and takes a seat. β€œI’d like some wings and a pint of beer, please,” it says. β€œSorry, but I can’t serve you,” the bartender replies. β€œYou’re out of your head.”

A cheeseburger walks into a bar. The bartender says, 'Sorry, we don't serve food here.'

A college education now costs $100,000, but it produces three very proud people: the student, his mama, and his pauper.

A couple of cups of yogurt walk into a country club. β€œWe don’t serve your kind here,” the bartender says. β€œWhy not?” one yogurt asks. β€œWe’re cultured.”

A friend of mine didn’t pay his exorcist. He got repossessed.

A friend of mine is known for sweeping girls off their feet. He’s an extremely aggressive janitor.

A guy walks into a bar, and there’s a horse serving drinks. The horse asks, β€œWhat are you staring at? Haven’t you ever seen a horse tending bar before?” The guy says, β€œIt’s not that. I just never thought the parrot would sell the place.”

A guy walks into a bar...and he was disqualified from the limbo contest.

A pirate walks into a bar with a paper towel on his head. The bartender says, β€œWhat’s with the paper towel?” The pirate says, β€œArrr! I’ve got a Bounty on me head!”

A turtle is crossing the road when he’s mugged by two snails. When the police ask him what happened, the shaken turtle replies, β€œI don’t know. It all happened so fast.”

Armed robbersβ€”some say they’re a drain on society, but you’ve got to give it to them.

Barbers…you have to take your hat off to them.

Can February March? No, but April May!

Cooking out this weekend? Don’t forget the pickle. It’s kind of a big dill.

Dad, can you put my shoes on? No, I don't think they'll fit me.

Dad, can you put the cat out? I didn't know it was on fire.

Dad, did you get a haircut? No, I got them all cut!

Dad: Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? Son: No. What happened? Dad: The teacher woke him up.

Daughter: I have a lot of friends named Nathan. There’s Nathan Miller, Nathan Radcliff, Nathan Lewis… Me: When they are together, do you call them the United Nathans?

Dear Math, grow up and solve your own problems.

Did I tell you the time I fell in love during a backflip? I was heels over head!

Did you hear about the aquatic sea mammals that escape

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 2k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Bugasum
πŸ“…︎ Jun 10 2022
🚨︎ report
My crazy friend is convinced that he's a long sharp tool...

He's going to needle the help he can get.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/incredibleinkpen
πŸ“…︎ Feb 23 2022
🚨︎ report
A close friend convinced me that I needed to restart my furnace...

...talk about gaslighting!

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Severe-Draw-5979
πŸ“…︎ Feb 16 2022
🚨︎ report
A nuclear physicist is convinced he can win the Tour de France

He says biking is just a chain reaction.

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ryanmgarcia
πŸ“…︎ Feb 19 2022
🚨︎ report
It’s easy to convince ladies not to eat Tide pods.

But it’s harder to deter gents.

πŸ‘︎ 32
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πŸ‘€︎ u/zu-den-sternen
πŸ“…︎ Jan 21 2022
🚨︎ report
This astromech was trying to convince me it's not a robot,

I told it, are too, D2!

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/kxlsin
πŸ“…︎ Jan 01 2022
🚨︎ report
My friend tried to convince me that tunnels are superior to bridges

But I don't truss her.

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/LivingUnderPhones
πŸ“…︎ Dec 30 2021
🚨︎ report
My wife is trying to convince me to have weird matching Halloween costumes. She wants me to be a deadbolt.

I think she's a little dorky

πŸ‘︎ 151
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Oh_My_Monster
πŸ“…︎ Oct 04 2021
🚨︎ report
Today in class, one of my students volunteered to sharpen my entire class set of colored pencils. When he was done, he spent several minutes trying to convince me that sharpening pencils should be his job for the rest of the school year.

I have to admit, he made some good points…

πŸ‘︎ 20
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πŸ‘€︎ u/astrosmash77
πŸ“…︎ Jan 06 2022
🚨︎ report
My friends somehow convinced me that I was a video game character.

Took me awhile to realize they totally played me.

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Brangur
πŸ“…︎ Dec 19 2021
🚨︎ report
I have yet to find any shampoo that's remotely convincing

I mean it should at least be brown and smell terrible or something

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/joelthomastr
πŸ“…︎ Dec 15 2021
🚨︎ report
Going to see a really bad movie and then convincing yourself it was good...

Is a floptical delusion.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Cmdr_Toucon
πŸ“…︎ Dec 22 2021
🚨︎ report
I'm convinced that the music they played at high school dances is part of the reason our generation struggles to maintain long-term relationships.

If it hadn't been for Cotton-Eyed Joe, I'd have been married a long time ago.

πŸ‘︎ 345
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πŸ‘€︎ u/afishisborn
πŸ“…︎ Aug 04 2021
🚨︎ report
My friend is convinced he has the biggest balls in the world

He's so egotestical.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/kickypie
πŸ“…︎ Dec 03 2021
🚨︎ report
I kept trying to convince my friend that he accidentally bought a GMC instead of a Chevy

He was in Denali the whole time

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ChargedLanturn
πŸ“…︎ Nov 10 2021
🚨︎ report
My mates convinced me to jump off a jetty with them.

That’s pier pressure for you.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/jnolife
πŸ“…︎ Aug 16 2021
🚨︎ report
My dad always said, β€œ Find a girl with an embarrassing tattoo and try to convince her to marry you.”

β€œShe knows how to make bad decisions and stick by them.”

πŸ‘︎ 238
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πŸ‘€︎ u/OMMOPOWER
πŸ“…︎ Mar 26 2021
🚨︎ report
I was a strong believer in renewable energy until someone convinced me that burning fossil fuel is still viable.

Were they gaslighting me?

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TheTFbrewer
πŸ“…︎ Oct 05 2021
🚨︎ report
I could not convince my friend to not go camping.

He was in-tent on it.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/DENelson83
πŸ“…︎ Oct 06 2021
🚨︎ report
I can't stand my wife's ideas for our kitchen redesign

And I'm not convinced by her counterarguments.

πŸ‘︎ 5k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/kthejoker
πŸ“…︎ Jan 31 2022
🚨︎ report
My son was born yesterday and is in the NICU. [META]

What are your best dad jokes? Whoever tells me the funniest one will have the honor of knowing their dad joke was my first as a dad.

Edit: there are two winners.

The first is one I told to my wife. It is about him being born with 4 kidneys but two of them will become adult knees. Thank you u/cabbithunt

The second I told me son. "There are two fish in a tank. One fish looks at the other and says 'I'll drive you man the guns.'" Thank you u/kiabe1

Edit 2: After two weeks in the NICU, we have convinced the doctors to let us upgraded to the wireless home version. Thank you all for your well wishes and jokes.

πŸ‘︎ 4k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Nomolos2621
πŸ“…︎ Dec 09 2021
🚨︎ report
According to my friends, apparently I'm the jerk for not wanting anything to do with a masturbating bull.

They've tried convincing me "it's only beef stroganoff" but at this point I'm not convinced.

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/RolandDeepson
πŸ“…︎ Jun 07 2022
🚨︎ report
A hypnotist once convinced me that I was a soft malleable metal with the atomic number of 82.

I am easily lead.

πŸ‘︎ 27
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Jun 06 2021
🚨︎ report
Dave

Dave was bragging to his boss one day,

"You know, I know everyone famous there is to know"

"Go on - Just name someone, anyone, and I bet that know them"

Tired of his boasting, his boss decides to call Dave's bluff,

"OK, Dave, how about Tom Cruise?"

"Not a problem boss"

"Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it"

So Dave and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise's door.

Tom Cruise is at home and answers the door himself and shouts,

"Dave! What's happening?"

"Great to see you!"

"Come on in for a beer!

Although shocked and more than a little impressed, Dave's boss is still sceptical and he tells Dave that he thinks him knowing Cruise was just pure luck.

"No, no, just name anyone else then"

Dave says.

"President Biden!"

His boss quickly retorts.

"Yup"

Dave says, "We're buddies from years ago"

"Let's fly out to Washington and I'll show you"

So they fly out to Washington and go on the Whitehouse tour"

"While walking through the White House, Biden himself appears, spots Dave on the tour and motions him and his boss over, saying,

"Dave, what a surprise,it's great to see you again after all this time"

"I was just on my way to a meeting but you and your friend come on in and let's have a cup of coffee first and catch up"

After they leave the White House grounds the boss tells Dave that he's still not entirely convinced.

Dave again implores him to name another famous person.

After thinking about it for a long timethe boss replies with,

"The Pope!"

"Sure thing!"

Says Dave,

"I've known the Pope for years - since before he became Pope in fact"

So off they fly to Rome.

Dave and his boss are assembled with the masses in Saint Peter's Square at the Vatican.

Dave says,

"This will never work"

"I can't catch the Pope's eye among all these people"

"Tell you what, I know all the Pope's guards here as well so let me just go upstairs and I'll come out on the balcony with the Pope."

Sure enough, half an hour later Dave emerges with the Pope on the balcony, but by the time Dave returns, he finds that his boss has had a heart attack and is surrounded by paramedics.

Making his way to his boss' side, Dave asks him,

"What happened?"

His boss looks up and says,

"It was the final straw"

"You and the Pope came out on the balcony and a Japanese tourist next to me said, to me... "

"Who the hell is that on the balcony with Dave?"

πŸ‘︎ 4k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/orcamarine
πŸ“…︎ Dec 28 2021
🚨︎ report
How do I manage to convince idiots that I have bad bowels?

I BS.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/incredibleinkpen
πŸ“…︎ Jul 15 2021
🚨︎ report
My son went as a tool for Halloween

Costume wasn’t very convincing saw right through it

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Brutaka12345
πŸ“…︎ Apr 28 2022
🚨︎ report
I am trying to convince my dad to get a new hearing aid.

But he just won’t listen.

πŸ‘︎ 188
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Nov 10 2020
🚨︎ report
I am Anti-vax

I am anti-vax and I don’t care what you think. I am absolutely sick and tired of seeing people that are anti-vax getting ridiculed and bullied on Reddit because of their choice.

You need to understand we have good reason to feel this way and that by simply attacking us or belittling us will not change our minds. We will not be silenced.

I for one will never have another one again. Not a chance in hell, I don’t care what you say to try and convince me, I’ve fallen for that trap too many times before.

They are absolutely the worst brand of vacuum cleaner ever.

It’s Hoover or Dyson all the way for me!

πŸ‘︎ 12k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/FlySupaFly
πŸ“…︎ Sep 25 2021
🚨︎ report
A con artist tried to convince me he could ejaculate deli meat

What a load of bologna.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/gr33nphoenix
πŸ“…︎ Apr 25 2021
🚨︎ report
I finally convinced my wife to attend the big boxing match with me

I told her they set the world record for the largest purse!

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/andytheg
πŸ“…︎ Mar 07 2022
🚨︎ report
I asked my daughter what convinced her to study abroad in Switzerland…

She said the flag is a big plus…

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/dcanderson4247
πŸ“…︎ Feb 21 2022
🚨︎ report
A close friend convinced me that I needed to restart my furnace...

... talk about gaslighting!

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Severe-Draw-5979
πŸ“…︎ Feb 16 2022
🚨︎ report
My housemates are convinced the house is haunted

I've been living here for 274 years and seen nothing strange.

πŸ‘︎ 142
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πŸ‘€︎ u/jimalexp
πŸ“…︎ Mar 29 2021
🚨︎ report
For years, I’ve told people that chiropractors can not help with posture. But just yesterday, a friend convinced me to give it a try, and already I see improvement…

I stand corrected!

πŸ‘︎ 70
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πŸ‘€︎ u/astrosmash77
πŸ“…︎ Jun 24 2021
🚨︎ report
It's easy to convince ladies not to eat Tide Pods

But its harder to deter gents

πŸ‘︎ 14k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/HellsJuggernaut
πŸ“…︎ Feb 11 2020
🚨︎ report
I’m trying to convince my wife that I want a Segway for my birthday.

But every time I bring it up, she changes the topic.

πŸ‘︎ 11k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Jul 31 2019
🚨︎ report
My dad always said, β€œ Find a girl with an embarrassing tattoo and try to convince her to marry you.”

β€œShe knows how to make bad decisions and stick by them.”

πŸ‘︎ 18k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Apr 03 2019
🚨︎ report

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