My housemates are convinced the house is haunted

I've been living here for 274 years and seen nothing strange.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/jimalexp
πŸ“…︎ Mar 29 2021
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I tried to convince my wife to try this new Indian restaurant by telling her about the free appetizer.

She told me that was a naan starter.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/jimgolgari
πŸ“…︎ May 28 2021
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I have a friend who is convinced that you can find water on the moon.

I said "That's lunacy!"

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/DoctorJoss
πŸ“…︎ Apr 19 2021
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After 6 cardiac arrests the doctor convinced me to go for surgery!

I really needed that change of heart!

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Dantr1x
πŸ“…︎ Feb 05 2021
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A group in Denmark is trying to convince the government to use old Legos to re-pave their highways...

...unfortunately, they've been running into a lot of road blocks.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/KW-DadJoker
πŸ“…︎ Dec 02 2020
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I'm trying to convince my friend that being a fraudster isn't for him. I went over to his house the other day and he was putting canned meat in envelopes.

Apparently he was sending a bunch of Spam Mail.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/jmar4234
πŸ“…︎ Dec 16 2020
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Did you hear about the mummy that just woke up and is still convinced he’s ruler of Egypt? When told β€˜that’s impossible’ he flew into a rage, ran away, and jumped in a river.

People say he’s in da Nile

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πŸ“…︎ Dec 25 2020
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The guy who mans the fishing rods on my boat tried to convince me to vote for a candidate. I fired him.

Pole workers aren't allowed to do that!

πŸ‘︎ 14
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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Oct 31 2020
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The police were not convinced that my neighbor had hidden plastic explosives in his basement, so I told them...

"C4 yourself".

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/theboredpastor
πŸ“…︎ Nov 13 2020
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I tried to convince one of my co workers to buy the first round of drinks after our shift...

He said no, but it was worth a shot.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/KingmanEXE
πŸ“…︎ Oct 23 2020
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An actual conversation between my wife and my son yesterday.

My wife has been teaching my son to fold his own laundry but he complains about it everytime. My wife, trying to convince my son, said to him "If you pick up this habit, your future wife will love you very much."

My son replied "I don't want my future wife to love me very much. I want my future wife to help me fold my laundry."

I busted out laughing. But the end result is that now I have to fold my own laundry going forward.

πŸ‘︎ 13k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/infinit9
πŸ“…︎ Mar 28 2021
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I don’t know why I couldn’t convince my wife she would like the set of knives I made her for Mother’s Day.

I made several good points.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/zedhead0628
πŸ“…︎ May 10 2020
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My friend didn't want to participate in the pick your new hairstyle conference but I convinced him...

He took part.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ May 14 2020
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My friends tried to convince me I was a chemical element with the atomic number 82....

...Thankfully, I'm not so easily lead

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πŸ‘€︎ u/marmeladovsemyon
πŸ“…︎ Sep 10 2019
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Just finished watching Frozen 2 with my kids. I am convinced a Dad came up with the plot.

Because the moral of the story is >!"Everything will work out in the end... once you deal with the Dam problem!"!<

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πŸ‘€︎ u/LitterDuck
πŸ“…︎ Nov 26 2019
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My uncle is convinced that his wife prevents flakey scalp in the hair

She's Aunty Dan Druff

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πŸ‘€︎ u/jrobbio
πŸ“…︎ Oct 13 2019
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My wife and I were arguing on an airplane. She was trying to convince me to join the mile high club...

I told her,

"I'm sorry, but I don't give a flying fuck."

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Bugle_Boy_Jeans
πŸ“…︎ Jul 19 2019
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Trump is convinced that pigeons are part of the Deep State...

He overheard one saying, "coup, coup".

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Dangerous_Calm
πŸ“…︎ Aug 12 2019
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A hypnotist convinced me that I was the door by which you enter a building.

I was entranced.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TommehBoi
πŸ“…︎ May 10 2019
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Number wars, a dad joke story.

6 couldn't believe it. 7 had finally gone off the deep end. 7 had long offended 6. A repeat 6 offender if you will. But this was unforgivable. 9 was his best friend. How could he do this to his best friend? How could it be that 7 ate 9?

6, filled with fury, called his friends 2 and 4. They would get even. 10 was the best friend of 7 you see. 2, 4 and 6 ate 10 to get even. They then began plotting further revenge, but 7 acted first. He gathered 1, 3 and 5 together to take down 6.

Realizing that the odds were against them, 2, 4 and 6 retreated. Their only option was to turn to 12 who had twice the resources 6 had. 7 couldn't follow.

12 quickly called 3 to find out what the root of 7's attack on 9. 3 wasn't sure. He had only supported 7 because of a long standing friendship. But 3 promised to get to the root cause.

Meanwhile, 7's scheming was not yet done. 12 was powerful, but there was one who could reverse his decision to harbor 6. If he could just convince 21, nicknamed blackjack, to reverse 12's decision, it would all be over.

Three times 7 went to 21's compound. On the third try he was able to get through. After explaining that 6 had masterminded the elimination of 10, a grand meeting of the numbers was called.

Both 6 and 7 argued over the whole thing. 13 had the unlucky task of adjudicating the meeting. Each time 13 made an argument, 6 and 7 would add to it by shouting over each other.

Finally, 21 had had enough. "7, why did you eat 9"

7 responded "I just wanted to get 3 square meals." 21 had 7 eliminated for initiating the battle and 6 jailed for masterminding 10's death. And the war was over.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Calthropstu
πŸ“…︎ Mar 27 2021
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How did Fa Mulan convince the soldiers of the Chinese army that she's a man?

She pretended to be Fa Ping.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/RainMorga
πŸ“…︎ Dec 04 2018
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My friends were convinced that boats stay docked due to the anchor. I knew the real answer, but I was alone so I decided not to argue.

It was the pier pressure

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πŸ‘€︎ u/CountryHeart11
πŸ“…︎ Apr 18 2019
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I convinced my wife to go to the Xmas party as Sherlock and Watson...

She didn't think it was very Christmassy until I sang that "I'll be Holmes for Christmas..."

πŸ‘︎ 16
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πŸ‘€︎ u/wmcduff
πŸ“…︎ Dec 14 2018
🚨︎ report
I’m convinced that highlighters are the pens of the future.

Mark my words.

πŸ‘︎ 32
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Sep 20 2018
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My dad used to have me convinced he could stop the rain by snapping his fingers it was not until I was a little older that I realized

He would snap his fingers when we went under over passes.... Thought this belonged here.

πŸ‘︎ 92
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Kogo_Shuko
πŸ“…︎ Sep 01 2015
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I tried to convince my wife that men should always make the coffee, and that this was an edict from God.

"There's a whole section on it," I said.

"Oh yeah?"

"...Hebrews."

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/_cornbread_
πŸ“…︎ Oct 31 2018
🚨︎ report
My friends keep trying to convince me to steal from the IHOP where I work

But I'm not a big whisk taker

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/FightMilkLLC
πŸ“…︎ Aug 30 2018
🚨︎ report
Even though he extremely skeptical, the hunchback’s wife finally convinced him to see a surgeon to straighten his spine. When the operation was done, he came home and told his wife:

"I stand corrected."

πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ‘€︎ u/tomjim04
πŸ“…︎ Mar 14 2018
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How did the sperm convince the egg to accept him?

Come on baby, sex cells.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/D4ND4
πŸ“…︎ Nov 21 2014
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What does your little sibling and Q have in common?

They will always rely on U

(props to my middle school student for making this one up). We start with a top r/dadjokes every morning for advisory - I'm slowly convincing them that dad jokes are the best jokes

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πŸ‘€︎ u/chrono116
πŸ“…︎ Feb 08 2021
🚨︎ report
Finally convinced my wife to let me hang a giant clock on the wall.

It was about time.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/jazwch01
πŸ“…︎ Sep 21 2017
🚨︎ report
If you hear something, say something

I originally posted this in r/MaliciousCompliance, but several commenters thought it would be good here as well. I hope this isn't a re-run for too many of you.

This was years ago when my son was starting middle school. I was transporting him and a group of his new friends. One of the friends was French, and spoke French at home. My son mentioned that I had taken French in high school, and so one of his friends asked me to say something in French and see if French girl could understand me.

Before I go on, a note on parenting style: we joke around with our kids all the time. I know that not all parents joke with their children; some of my kids' friends enjoyed to a dad who makes a joke, and some would look at me like I grew a second head.

So I said to the French girl, Β«quelque choseΒ». Immediately the friends turned to French girl and asked "What did he say?"

I waited, wondering whether she would join my joke.

A sly smile crept across her face as she said, "he said...something". The rest of the trip, the friends tried to convince her to reveal what it was that I had said. Β«quelque choseΒ» is the French phrase for "something".

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πŸ‘€︎ u/mermaldad
πŸ“…︎ Dec 27 2020
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The time my uncle convinced my brother he was growing horns.

I'm a shit storyteller, so I'll just keep it short.

My uncle caught my brother in a very obvious lie, and he decided to have a little bit of fun; He told my brother his horns would grow every time he'd lie (like pinocchio's nose). The best part? Later, my dad saw my brother looking in the mirror, checking for horns.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/DrunkOtter
πŸ“…︎ Feb 13 2015
🚨︎ report
Prom night

It was time for the prom at Klondike High School and Tim's friends were desperately trying to convince him to go. He considered it, but was very self-conscious of the fact that he had had an accident as a young child that caused him to lose his eye, and the best his family could afford was to buy him a wooden eye. After several days of goading, Tim finally decides to go.

Sally was in a similar situation. Her friends desperately wanted her to go prom with them, but she was recently in a car accident and lost her right leg. She had a prosthetic, but it was very uncomfortable, so she had a hard time walking. Reluctantly, she agreed to go.

It was the night of the prom and both Tim and Sally were getting all gussied up with their friends. They both make it to the prom, but when they arrive, they are both too nervous to dance. Tim's friends notice Sally sitting on the wall and say to him, "Look over there! There's a cute girl who's all alone and needs a partner to dance with. Why don't you go over there and ask her to dance?" After some further convincing, Tim sheepishly begins to walk over to Sally to ask her. As he approaches her, he getes nervous, and awkwardly stands in front of her for a few seconds before saying, "Wuh...wuh...would you like to dance with me?"

Excitedly, Sally exclaims, "Would I? Would I?"

Tim responds angrily, "PEG LEG! PEG LEG!"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Pensrule2007
πŸ“…︎ Nov 21 2020
🚨︎ report
Car seats arrived for the twins. I had my wife convinced she ordered the wrong type since we drive an SUV.

She ordered Graco "convertible" car sets

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πŸ‘€︎ u/LeatherDan
πŸ“…︎ Sep 08 2014
🚨︎ report
My Mom convinced the family to go watch the sunset...

...and we're all standing there watching the sun dip into the ocean when my Dad says "I can't see it--the sun's in my eyes."

I think we were the only ones who laughed.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/gnomaly
πŸ“…︎ Jan 03 2014
🚨︎ report
Funny 'Dads Anonymous' story to share for the holiday weekend.

"Welcome everyone to Dads Anonymous. Again my name is Bill and you will notice that we have a new member, please welcome Gary -- Can you tell us what brought you to us today?"

"Well I have a very embarrassing confession. It's even hard to get the words out."

Bill reassures him, "We are all dads here and have been meeting for decades, we've been through all the highs and lows, births and deaths, tragedies, we've heard it all. Just tell us what's on your mind son, we are here to support each other."

"Well, a couple months ago, I broke both my legs in a motorcycle accident and couldn't walk, so I let my wife use the lawnmower." He says through the sobs...

Bob, one of the other dads, starts to get pale. "...and she didn't even cut it in a crisp geometric pattern, it was just random..." Bob starts to sweat and get dry heaves. "YOU BASTARD", he screams. "HOW COULD YOU LET THAT HAPPEN." The dads rise and get ready to beat the crap out of Gary, when Bill stands between them and breaks it up.

"Guys! Guys, we all get weak sometimes and things happen outside our control. Doug, you remember when you were in recovering from Chemo and you gave your wife a hammer, and she used it to hammer a roofing nail into the drywall to hang a picture!" Doug, looks down in shame, "Yes, that was a bad day, I was so weak. She missed the stud and left a dent in the wall, and she just hung the picture over it, crooked!" There was dead silence. "Thats ok Doug, it was twenty years ago, you were young and foolish, you can let it go". Then all the dads shook hands and sat back down.

Bill starts the meeting up again. Then Gary says, "..theres one more thing, Right after I got out of the hospital, she wanted to make a special dinner for us, so I let her grill the steaks..." "OH LORD THIS CAN'T BE HAPPENING!" screams Dave, another dad, his face turning red. Gary continues "...she burnt them one one side and they were dry and chewy." Now there is a bedlam, one dad immediately passes out cold, chairs are thrown, broken bottles, Gary is on the ground being kicked in the ribs. After a few tense minutes Bill managed to get the dads off of Gary. "Stop it, Dave you're killing him. Come on, you remember that time you let your wife go to the repair shop for an oil change?" Dave hung his head, and muttered yeah. "They convinced her to change the cabin filter, wiper blades and the radiator collant..." Bill kept prodding "and, aaand" ...Dave broke down, "and she bought a jug of blinker fluid!" T

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/KW-DadJoker
πŸ“…︎ May 24 2020
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[True story of Dad] The cat

I used to have a black cat named Big Guy. When I left for college, he stayed with my parents. One day I got a call from my mom and she mentioned he was missing. They hadn't seen him in a week. He was an indoor/outdoor cat and would occasionally disappear for a few days, but a whole week was unusual.

Anyway, I was bummed. I was set to visit the next week and was looking forward to seeing my cat.

I flew home and... it was weird. Now they had two cats! Both black. And Big Guy was back! But... why two cats now?

So here's the dad part. My mom started to really miss him. My dad saw this and went to the local shelters to see if anyone turned him in. He said, "After the 3rd one, I pretty much gave up."

So then my mom said, "So your father got another cat he thought looked "close enough" and tried to convince me it was Big Guy. I said, 'Have you lost it? This cat is a GIRL!'"

Then Big Guy came home.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/billbixbyakahulk
πŸ“…︎ Aug 16 2020
🚨︎ report
Yesterday a casket at a funeral home magically came to life, and immediately got sick

It watched the news and became convinced it had contracted the coronavirus from it's intended inhabitant, a Chinese woman from Wuhan who had died of the disease.

The casket went to the emergency room at the nearest hospital.

After overcoming her initial shock at diagnosing a casket, the ER doctor ran a blood test and determined the casket definitely did not have the coronavirus.

"But I feel like I'm dying doctor, and I only just came to life. If it isn't the coronavirus what is it?" worriedly asked the casket.

"I'm not sure," answered the doctor, "we'll have to run some more tests."

"But my fever, the pain in my lungs...what could it be? Doctor if you had to give me your best diagnosis right now without the tests, what do you think could be causing these terrible respiratory symptoms?"

The doctor thought for a moment then answered, "SARS cough I guess."

πŸ‘︎ 21
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Y2KoNo
πŸ“…︎ Mar 01 2020
🚨︎ report
There were three guys named Jackson who were all in the clothing business.

Due to lack of real estate options in their city, they all set up shop next door to each other. In order to convince customers to come to their store rather than one of the other Jacksons, they all put up signs to attract customers.

The one on the left puts up a sign that says "Jackson's clothing store (Best prices!)"

Not to be outdone, the one on the right puts up a sign that says "Jackson's clothing store (Best quality!)

The one in the middle thinks about it for a while, and eventually puts up a sign of his own.

"Jackson's clothing store (Main entrance).”

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/tfowler11
πŸ“…︎ May 21 2020
🚨︎ report
Two friends are on a road trip and one if them sees a sign stating they are approaching Louisville. One says "we should stop in 'Louie-ville' for lunch. The other says it's not pronounced 'Louie-ville', it's 'Louis-ville'!

They go back and forth for a while, neither convincing the other that they are right. Finally they decide on a place to eat. When they get to the restaurant, one of the friends asks the person taking their order to settle it once and for all. "Me and my friend are having a debate and hopefully since you live here, you can set my friend straight. Would you please tell us... and say it clear and slow for my friend here... where are we?"

The person behind the counter gets a puzzled look on his face, then says

>!"Buuuuuurrrrrr gerrrrrr Kiiiiiiinnnnggg"!<

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/FaultyData
πŸ“…︎ Mar 25 2020
🚨︎ report
So I was looking to get some weed the other day...

So I was looking to get some weed the other day, and I asked my buddy if he had any recommendations since I wasn't really feeling like hitting a bong or joint. My buddy he suggests dabs, said he had a buddy named Yaba who sold good stuff. I wasn't convinced since I'm not a big user. But he assured me it would be great. He tells me "A Yaba-Dab-will-do-ya"

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Itchy_Horse
πŸ“…︎ Feb 26 2020
🚨︎ report
What does Copernicus and the parent of teenagers have in common?

They both dedicated their life to convincing people the universe doesn’t revolve around them.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/GotMyOrangeCrush
πŸ“…︎ Nov 02 2019
🚨︎ report
An old married couple are taking a stroll in Soviet Russia.

While they are walking it starts to precipitate. The man insists that it is raining, but his wife, who has only ever lived further up north where it can only snow, thinks that it is some weird form of snow. They spend a few minutes trying to convince each other before the man says β€œlet’s ask Officer Rudolf, he’s a very smart man!” So they stop and say β€œOfficer Rudolf, is it raining or snowing?” Officer Rudolf confirms that it is raining, and the couple continues to stroll. Later the wife asks how he knew Officer Rudolf could answer them. The man simply replies, β€œbecause Rudolf the Red knows rain, dear.”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Willdoeswarfair
πŸ“…︎ Dec 08 2018
🚨︎ report
My dad used β€œtitanium dioxides” in a sentence...

So my sister is writing a research paper for her PhD and it involves titanium dioxides. This is an actual email my Dad sent the family email chain while we were discussing the paper (all names have been changed for privacy):

β€œ"Aunt Jane! Can you use the term titanium dioxides in a sentence so we can better understand its meaning?" asked her curious niece at the Thanksgiving family meal.

"Sure" said Dr Doe, "Mr and Mrs Tanium ran a tannery for years. Their son Ty used to shoot water buffaloes for sport, but his parents convinced him that he should at least save the pelts. So now his parents and Ty Tanium dye ox hides!"

Beat that one!

Dad”

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/b0rgullet
πŸ“…︎ Aug 12 2019
🚨︎ report
Extended Christmas dad prank

When my brother and I were little, we put out milk and cookies for Santa and carrots for the reindeers on Christmas eve, and woke up on Christmas morning to find them mostly eaten. We were delighted at proof of our nighttime visitors.

The next year our dad told us he had gotten an inside tip from the north pole: that Santa actually liked ramen and beer, not milk and cookies (as other, less well informed, dads and kids had always thought).

For years, we dutifully cooked ramen, put it on a table by the fireplace with a cold beer on the side, and woke up to the ramen and beer having been consumed in the night.

I knew my dad wasn't fond of milk or cookies, but it wasn't until later that we connected the dots and found out the deal about Santa. My dad was the one who ate the Santa food once we went to bed, and he had secretly convinced us to prepare his ideal midnight snack for as long as we believed in Santa.

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/queenermagard
πŸ“…︎ Jul 24 2019
🚨︎ report

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