Did you know SCUBA is an acronym for Self Contained Underwater Breathing Apparatus? Did you know β€œtuba” is also an acronym?

Terrible Underwater Breathing Apparatus

Edit: good lord, I didn’t know someone else posted this previously. I thought it was funny as heck and my kids rolled their eyes when I told it SO THERE.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/coolhandhutch
πŸ“…︎ Apr 30 2020
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My wife tried to order an exotic snake online, but when the package arrived, it contained only feathered scarves...

Looks like the boa cons tricked her...

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πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ May 13 2020
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Found a nice self-contained, already packaged one for y'all!
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πŸ‘€︎ u/rogaricel0914
πŸ“…︎ Jul 22 2019
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A woman is walking through the park when she sees a very attractive man sitting on a park bench. He's reading a book and eating some fruit out of a Tupperware container. Slowly the woman gathers the courage to go ask the man out...

So, she walks over and takes a seat next to him on the bench, turns to him and says, "Sorry to bother you. I know this may be a little forward but I would love to grab coffee with you some time."

Flattered, the man responds, "Sure... but what makes you so certain you and I would get along so well?"

"Well..." the woman says. "A couple things, actually. I noticed you were wearing an Iron Maiden t-shirt. Iron Maiden are my favorite band of all time. When they went on their reunion tour in 1999, my parents took me to see them in Cleveland. I was 12 years old and it was the first concert I ever went to. I absolutely love Iron Maiden."

The man can't believe it.

"I saw them play Cleveland in '99! First concert I ever went to on my own. My best friend Jimmy Spitz and I told our parents we were sleeping at each others' houses, snuck out, took a bus into the city and saw them play at the Plain Dealer Pavillion!"

Naturally, they're both shocked.

"If that isn't weird enough..." says the woman. "I noticed you're reading Mark Twain. I was a communications major in university and I actually wrote my thesis on Mark Twain and how he used satire as a lens to comment on current events of the time, comparing him to satirical news sources of today. He's my favorite author."

Now the man is really taken aback, "Get out of here! I was an English major in university! I specialized in 19th century American literature and this is like my fourth or fifth time reading Tom Sawyer, I absolutely love Mark Twain."

They both can't believe it...this has got to be a match made in heaven.

"Ok..." the woman says. "Well, buckle up because here's the icing on the cake. I noticed you're eating a prune. Prunes are my absolute favorite fruit. When I was a kid, my grandfather lived on a farm. He had an orchard that mainly grew apples and some lemons, but he knew how much my sister and I loved prunes so he kept a couple of plum trees. Every year at the end of the summer, we'd go up and harvest the plums with him. He'd dry them and by the time we'd go back to his place for Thanksgiving he'd always have those prunes saved just for us. They're my favorite fruit! I love prunes, you're eating a prune, this has got to be fate. What do you say?"

The man puts down his fruit and responds,

"It's a date!"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Aug 21 2020
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Dad's favorite sushi does not even contain fish

It's the eye roll

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πŸ‘€︎ u/jpereira73
πŸ“…︎ Jan 25 2021
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This post may contain centsible content...
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πŸ‘€︎ u/simmson420
πŸ“…︎ Aug 28 2020
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A sales guy tried to sell me on a new preparation to wash my hair with, which supposedly contains the excrements of some very special rainforest animal or whatever.

I think it was Scampoo.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/deceze
πŸ“…︎ Nov 21 2020
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Did you know that a single sperm contains 37.5 MB of DNA information? Meaning that, during 3 seconds long ejaculation, more than 11,250 TERA bytes of information is transmitted.

That's alot of information to swallow.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/RealTheAsh
πŸ“…︎ Sep 07 2020
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Nothing I can do about it
πŸ‘︎ 6k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Tarlungs1104666
πŸ“…︎ Aug 01 2020
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I contain Punny
πŸ‘︎ 4k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TacoKing7744
πŸ“…︎ Dec 28 2019
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I would like a set of containers for my kitchen. I would like to store my baking soda, borax, milk of magnesia, drain cleaner, and ammonia. Most importantly, they need to have very secure lids.

I like to keep all my bases covered.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Legitimate-Hair
πŸ“…︎ Sep 28 2020
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A pumpkin spiced latte joke should contain the set up, followed by the punchline and

Cost about $4.50

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πŸ‘€︎ u/junior_bqx2
πŸ“…︎ Sep 26 2020
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Lines for urinals have become an increasing problem in containing the coronavirus.

So mind your pees in queues.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/KairuSmairukon
πŸ“…︎ Jul 12 2020
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Why can't you surprise plastic containers?

They are top aware.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Andrama
πŸ“…︎ Aug 09 2020
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Did you know the Boeing 747 contains about 6 million parts?

That's a plane fact.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Aug 19 2020
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My wife insists that I go with her whenever she shops for igneous rock containing quartz and feldspar.

Sometimes I think she takes me for granite.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/AlRedux
πŸ“…︎ Jun 29 2020
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What human body part is long, hard, bendable, most useful when erect, and contains the letters p,n,e,s,i?

Spine

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ivytheblindhusky
πŸ“…︎ Apr 19 2020
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Archaeologists in Egypt have unearthed a tomb containing a mummy covered in chocolate and nuts.

They believe it is the remains of the long lost Pharaoh Rocher.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/johnster1991
πŸ“…︎ Jul 27 2020
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I just realized that I forgot to seal all my spices in airtight containers.

I’m expecting to have a bad thyme.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Aug 01 2020
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My mum was putting away a container of raspberries and remarked that is was leaking

I said "Maybe you should put it in the vegetable drawer"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/StefDraws69
πŸ“…︎ Jul 23 2020
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The mods have a new way of improving the jokes we submit. They now add smell to all the jokes and rate them according to their odour. One mod adds some floral funniness, another tweaks them with sweet smile appeal and a third makes sure they contain a few obnoxious puns.

From now on no joke will be published without their scents of humour.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Brucemoose1
πŸ“…︎ Jul 14 2020
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I laughed at the magician when he said he could make the entry way into a container..

Then he left and the door was ajar.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Jul 12 2020
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If you get a message from the government warning not to eat tinned meat because is contains Covid-19, just ignore it.

It’s spam

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Octopus-Pawn
πŸ“…︎ Mar 27 2020
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The FDA recently mandated that chocolate has to contain 12% cacao instead of the current 10%.

Looks like they're raising the chocolate bar.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Atlantic14
πŸ“…︎ Jun 02 2020
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The decision for a liquid to fill the shape of whatever container they are in is...

InVOLUMEtary

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Minzato
πŸ“…︎ Jun 08 2020
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I hear Finland doesn't have takeout containers in restaurants....

Because people always finnish their meals.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Dani_SF
πŸ“…︎ Jun 02 2020
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Space shuttle made of keyboard keys does not contain any space bars
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Oscar_Lilja
πŸ“…︎ Oct 10 2018
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What do you call a mislabeled orange juice container?

Pulp fiction.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/iknowthisischeesy
πŸ“…︎ Feb 04 2020
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You know, not everyone can preserve perishable goods inside metallic containers

But I can!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Thattransgal
πŸ“…︎ Apr 21 2020
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*wife drops phone into container with daughter’s goldfish crackers*

Oh no you dropped your phone in the fish bowl now it’s gunna be all wet

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πŸ‘€︎ u/LetsAspire
πŸ“…︎ Apr 27 2020
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George Washington predicted that some day in the future, a dollar bill will contain his likeness.

In that sense, he was on the money.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ May 09 2020
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Cleaning out my fridge when...

I came across two containers of butter. I guess you could say it was a second-dairy

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πŸ‘€︎ u/DJsmurfySmurf
πŸ“…︎ Jan 03 2021
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>'Enter new password' = 'chicken' > 'Password must contain a capital'

= 'chickenkiev'

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πŸ‘€︎ u/cotswoldboy
πŸ“…︎ Nov 10 2019
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Three women were on the run from the law (A brunette, a blonde, and a redhead).

Their car breaks down next to a corn field and they decide to run through it as the law is quickly approaching. They stumble upon a barn. Inside they find three burlap sacks and one of them suggests they should each hide inside one. Shortly after, the sherriff and his deputies arrive at the barn. They notice the three sacks. The sheriff kicks the first one containing the brunette and she says "Meow, meow." "Oh it's just a sack of kittens." One of the deputies says. The sherriff kicks the sack where the redhead is hiding and she says "woof, woof." "That's just a sack of puppies" they say. The sherriff kicks the third sack with the blonde inside and she exclaims "Potato, potato."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/wmd1234
πŸ“…︎ Dec 10 2020
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Brining pickles makes them last much longer than fresh cucumbers, but packing them in air-tight containers…

That's what really seals the dill.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Who_GNU
πŸ“…︎ Mar 23 2020
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I know that Shepherd’s Pies don’t contain Shepherds and Cottage Pies aren’t made from cottages, but with meat pies...

...what’s the beef?

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πŸ“…︎ Mar 05 2020
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Makeup used to contain lead that actually make their skin worse.

That is a bit iron-ic.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/erkang06
πŸ“…︎ Mar 22 2020
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Native American naming conventions (contains a swear word)

My dad used to tell me this one growing up:

>Native American child is with his father. He looks up at him and says "Dad, how did you figure out what to name us when we were born?"
>
>The dad responds "Son, it's easy: I just looked around nature and what I saw is what I named you. Your sister, Flying-Eagle, for instance, was born while an eagle flew overhead. Your brother was named Roaming-Buffalo for a similar reason. Why do you ask, Two-Dogs-Fucking?"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/JandersOf86
πŸ“…︎ Jan 27 2020
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A duck walks into a bar

and orders a drink, then a little while after he finished that drink he ordered another and he accidentally drops the glass containing the drink and he says to the waitress put it on my bill, so the waitress begins to grab the glass shards that were on the ground and carefully placed them on the ducks bill and the duck asks what are you doing and the waitress says I’m putting it on your bill and the duck sarcastically says ohhhh you really quack me up and the waitress says oh I'm sorry did I ruffle your feathers.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/mr-awsome-
πŸ“…︎ Jan 12 2021
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Escape

A blonde, brunette and a red head escape from prison. While running across a field they hear the guards coming and being tired, the red head suggested hiding in some potato sacks they found.

When the guards reached the sacks one kicked the bag containing the red head, she went meow meow. "Just a sack of kittens" said the guard. Then he kicked the brunettes bag, she went woof woof. "Just a bag of puppies". Lastly he kicked the blondes bag and she went potato potato.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/syhendrickson
πŸ“…︎ Jan 13 2021
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If I ever own a business, I'm going to install a revolving door that looks like a glass container...

...that way, the door is always ajar.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/xSchneebSx
πŸ“…︎ Feb 24 2020
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My Honda Civic was banned from the drive-in movies

They say it contains a huge spoiler.

I made that up on the spot and told it to my kid. He told me it's not funny and it's a horrible joke. 😟

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πŸ‘€︎ u/XIIXOO
πŸ“…︎ Oct 18 2020
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Computer: choose a password. Me: hi-hat

Computer: password cannot contain symbols

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πŸ‘€︎ u/beardwithablog
πŸ“…︎ Dec 13 2020
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SCUBA is an acronym for Self Contained Underwater Breathing Apparatus. What you may not know is that Tuba is also an acronym...

For Terrible Underwater Breathing Apparatus

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Light_bulbnz
πŸ“…︎ Apr 11 2020
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When is a door a container?

When it's ajar

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Kerlandays
πŸ“…︎ Jan 14 2020
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