I play minesweeper while my wife cleans the house...

Because she is dealing with hersweeper

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πŸ‘€︎ u/rubenmiq
πŸ“…︎ Dec 21 2020
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My friend used to clean house for a famous singer-guitar player, til he died in 2016. She then became a police investigator...

She dusted for Prince now she's dusting for prints.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Oct 13 2020
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What do you call a tennis player who can’t clean his house?


πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ“…︎ Jan 30 2020
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Who does a fish call to clean his house?

A Mermaid.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Johnny_Two_Timez
πŸ“…︎ Sep 17 2019
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What does a racecar clean the house with?

A broom broom.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/CanIAm
πŸ“…︎ Feb 13 2019
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How does a noob clean his house?

He scrubs it.

πŸ‘︎ 153
πŸ‘€︎ u/Mansheep_
πŸ“…︎ Nov 25 2017
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Did you hear about that tennis player who never cleans his house?

His name is Novak

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πŸ‘€︎ u/AurynMacmillan
πŸ“…︎ Feb 24 2019
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Why did Pinocchio spend all day cleaning his house?

He sawdust.

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ‘€︎ u/4-4-Run
πŸ“…︎ Jan 20 2021
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My kids started dancing while cleaning up the house.

It was some pretty good chore-eography.

πŸ‘︎ 14
πŸ‘€︎ u/EzekiahHopkins
πŸ“…︎ Dec 24 2020
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2 of our friends came over at around 1 AM and to be honest, I was a bit embarrassed to let them in

Hadn’t cleaned the house all year

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πŸ‘€︎ u/the1nonlyevilelmo
πŸ“…︎ Jan 01 2021
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I tried cleaning the house, ended up with a bunch of salt water damage.

Thats the last time I use Tide

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πŸ‘€︎ u/robertdowneysoft
πŸ“…︎ Aug 02 2018
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the puppy test

Before you let your kids get a puppy, take the Puppy Test.

Best taken in the autumn or mid winter.

  1. Buy a lead and tie it to a big stone, walk around dragging the stone behind you.
  2. Get up at 5am, go out in the pouring rain and walk up and down a muddy path, repeating good girl/boy, wee wees...poo poos, quickly please
  3. Stuff your pockets with plastic bags and pick up all the poo you can find, obviously not your dogs as you have not bought it yet ??
  4. Start wearing your shoes indoors, especially during muddy times
  5. Collect leaves off the ground and spread them on the floor
  6. Carry sticks and branches indoors and chop them up on your carpet
  7. Pour cold apple juice on the rug and floor....walk barefooted over it in the dark
  8. Drop some chocolate pudding on your carpet in the morning and then try to clean it in the evening
  9. Wear socks to which you have made holes using a blender
  10. Jump out of your favorite chair just before the movie ends and run to open the back door
  11. Cover all your best clothes with dog hair, dark clothes with blond hairs and light clothes with dark hairs
  12. Tip all just ironed clothes on the floor
  13. Make little pin holes in all your furniture, especially chair and table legs
  14. When doing dishes, splash water all over the place and don't wipe it.
  15. Spread toilet paper all over the house when you leave the house and tidy up when you get back home
  16. Forget any impulse holidays and/or breaks
  17. Always go straight home after work or school
  18. Go for walks no matter what the weather, and inspect every dirty paper, chewing gum and dead fly you might find
  19. Stand at your back door at five in the morning shouting, "Bring Mr Bumble and Mr Lion in, its raining.”
  20. Wake up at 3am. Place a correct size bag of flour on top of yourself and try to sleep, whilst wiping your face with a dishcloth, which you have left next to your bed in a bowl last week.
    Repeat everyday over 6 months and if you still think getting a puppy sounds like a good idea, Congratulations, you might be ready for your kids to get your puppy.
πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ‘€︎ u/specklesinc
πŸ“…︎ Dec 05 2020
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I was cleaning my houses storm windows last weekend

Me to my dad: "I like cleaning glass. It ends up satisfyingly clean when your done"

my dad: "It's always nice to have clear objectives"

When I asked if he folded the possible reference to objective lenses into the joke on purpose, he just winked.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/uesarnem
πŸ“…︎ Feb 09 2017
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I was cleaning my house today and I broke my personal record!
πŸ‘︎ 13
πŸ“…︎ Jul 01 2016
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Dad and I were cleaning the house

My dad and I were cleaning the house to surprise my mom. He was vacuuming the floor. He stops, shuts of the vacuum, looks at me with a straight face and says, "I'm a vacuum pimp because I'm always using the hose."

He then started vacuuming again like nothing happened.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ickthus
πŸ“…︎ Feb 14 2014
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This story is about a man called Trevor, and his obsession with tractors.

Trevor loved tractors. And I mean, really loved tractors. Forget any obsessions or high-level interests you may have, chances are they pale in the face of Trevor’s love for tractors.

Every day Trevor would get up, in his tractor-themed bedroom in his tractor-themed house, with its tractor-themed wallpaper and tractor-themed carpets, and he would make his bed with its tractor-themed duvet and tractor-themed sheets. He would go downstairs in his tractor-themed pajamas into his tractor-themed kitchen, with its tractor-themed tiles and cupboards, and he would eat his breakfast while perusing the latest tractor-themed magazine or annual.

Trevors’s degree in Agricultural Engineering hung on his living room wall, along with a copy of his thesis, which centred around (you guessed it) tractors. The living room was decorated with all sorts of tractor-related trinkets, including die-cast models, paintings and drawings.

The hedges in Trevor’s front garden were trimmed in the shape of tractors. His lawn was vividly decorated with tractor-driving garden gnomes, and his garden furniture was constructed from various parts from vintage tractor designs.

Trevor just had one thing missing from his otherwise tractor-centric life; he had never actually owned, nor driven, a real tractor.

Not for his lack of trying, of course. Trevor had been to many tractor shows over the years, and visited many farms with friends of his, but none of the tractors he had seen had ever been quite right. Trevor was so knowledgeable about tractors that every single one he had come across had possessed some hidden trait that he wasn’t keen on. His first experience of driving a real tractor had to be perfect.

One day, Trevor was flicking through one of his favourite publications, Powertrain Quarterly, when there was a knock at the door. Trevor answered, and it was his friend and fellow tractor enthusiast, Jeff.

Trevor welcomed Jeff in, and over tea and crumpets served on tractor-themed crockery, they discussed the merits of aluminium drawbars and front-end loaders. Eventually Trevor pressed Jeff to explain the reason for his visit.

β€œWell” said Jeff, β€œAs I’m sure you know the convention comes to town later”.

The convention. Trevor had been thinking of little else the past three weeks. The neighbouring town annually threw a convention for farmers, particularly farmyard machinery. There would be combine harvesters, lawnmowers, and of course, tractors.

β€œYes of course” replied Trevor

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ShredderSte
πŸ“…︎ Aug 07 2020
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Spending lots of time with my dad cleaning up around my new farm house...

We've been burning a lot of junk wood and had a huge pile of ashes. (Works better when you imagine it spoken out loud)

Me: What am I supposed to do with all these ashes?

Dad: Use them to catch a bear!

Me: what?

Dad: Well, you dig a big hole and put all the ashes in the bottom. Then you line the hole with peas. When the bear reaches for the peas, you kick him in the ash hole!

I told him his dad jokes are getting better.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Metalhead2881
πŸ“…︎ Oct 26 2014
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Made for each other.

Sara cleaned Megan's house. Megan cleaned Sara's house. They are Maid for each other.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/killer_basu
πŸ“…︎ Feb 06 2020
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Got my wife while making the shopping list

Her: So how are we doing with Toilet Paper?

Me: I've been practicing for 30 years, i think i got a good technique going.

πŸ‘︎ 2k
πŸ‘€︎ u/bnicoletti82
πŸ“…︎ Nov 17 2014
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My husband, new dad of 8 months, is kicking off his dad joke game strong.

We had a cleaning service come to the house today, called Two Maids and a Mop. Well, three maids showed up and my dumb husband goes, β€œwhich one of you is the mop?”

πŸ‘︎ 140
πŸ“…︎ Jun 22 2018
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2 old friends move in together...

Friend 1 just moved out of his parents house and Friend 2 just came back from the military.

Friend 2: We need to clean up this dump!

Friend 1: This place was cleaned yesterday!

Friend 2: If you want things done right, you have to do it yourself; I'll do the cleaning on the odd numbered days, you do the cleaning on the even ones.

Friend 1: We're going to clean everyday!?

Friend 2: No, just the odd and even ones!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Mostafa12890
πŸ“…︎ Jul 24 2019
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Perks of being a Dog

A dog sleeps about 20 hours a day.

He has his food prepared for him.

He can eat whenever he wants, 24/7/365.

His meals are provided at no cost to him.

By the way he does not need to pay for medical insurance.

He visits the doctor once a year for his checkup, and again during the year if any medical needs arise. For this he pays nothing and nothing is required of him.

He lives in a nice neighborhood in a house that is much larger than he needs, but he is not required to do any upkeep.

If he makes a mess, someone else cleans it up.

He has his choice of luxurious places to sleep.

He receives these accommodations absolutely free.

He is living like a King, and has absolutely no expenses whatsoever.

All of his costs are picked up by others who go out and earn a living every day.

I was just thinking about all this, and suddenly it hit me like a brick in the head.......





A dog is like a β€œPOLITICIAN”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Ammabmma
πŸ“…︎ Feb 08 2018
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Puns for Kids

The funniest and shortest puns for kids, you always remember while teaching children puns, try to choose the short ones because they are easy for them to remember and register.

Puns for Kids

Why are teddy bears never hungry? They are always stuffed!

What do you get when you cross a snake and a pie? A pie-thon!

Where do polar bears vote? The North Poll.

What did the judge say when the skunk walked into the court room? Odor in the court!

Two silkworms had a race. They ended up in a tie.

Why are fish so smart? Because they live in schools.

The streets in the capital of Afghanistan are paved with Kabulstones.

How does a lion greet the other animals in the field? Pleased to eat you.

What do you get when a chicken lays an egg on top of a barn? An egg roll!

No matter how much you push the envelope, it will still be stationery.

Why did the turkey cross the road? To prove he wasn’t chicken!

What musical is about a train conductor? β€œMy Fare, Lady”.

A man drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him in.

What do you get from a pampered cow? Spoiled milk.

What animals are on legal documents? Seals!

Why did the lion spit out the clown? Because he tasted funny!

Why did the bumble bee leave the house? It heard the school was having a spelling bee.

Being struck by lightning is really a shocking experience!

How do celebrities stay cool? They have many fans!

Why do fish live in salt water? Because pepper makes them sneeze!

Dockyard: A physician’s garden.

What did the angry mother say to the boiling pot of spaghetti? Simmer down!

The lights were too bright at the Chinese restaurant so the manager decided to dim sum.

β€œWhat’s purple and 5000 miles long?” β€œOoh! I know! The Grape Wall of China!”

Every calendar’s days are numbered.

This duck walks into a bar and orders a beer. β€œFour bucks,” says the bartender. β€œPut it on my bill.”

I used to be twins. My mother has a picture of me when I was two.

What sound do porcupines make when they kiss? Ouch!

When does a well-dressed lion look like a weed? When he’s a dandelion (dandy lion).

Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a-salted.

A bicycle can’t stand on its own because it is

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Punsville
πŸ“…︎ Apr 25 2017
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Computer Puns

How do two programmers make money? One writes viruses, the other anti-viruses.

Where’s the best place to hide a body? Page two of Google.

A computer lets you make more mistakes faster than any invention in human history – with the possible exceptions of handguns and tequila.

If it weren’t for C, we’d all be programming in BASI and OBOL.

There are 10 types of people in the world: those who understand binary, and those who don’t.

In a world without fences and walls, who needs Gates and Windows?

Programming today is a race between software engineers striving to build bigger and better idiot-proof programs, and the Universe trying to produce bigger and better idiots. So far, the Universe is winning.

Computers make very fast, very accurate mistakes.

Never underestimate the bandwidth of a station wagon full of tapes hurling down the highway.

An SQL statement walks into a bar and sees two tables. It approaches, and asks β€œmay I join you?”

Why is it that programmers always confuse Halloween with Christmas?

Because 31 OCT = 25 DEC.

Man is the best computer we can put aboard a spacecraft… and the only one that can be mass produced with unskilled labor.

How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb? None. It’s a hardware problem.

I named my hard drive β€œdat ass” so once a month my computer asks if I want to β€˜back dat ass up’.

I think my neighbor is stalking me as she’s been googling my name on her computer. I saw it through my telescope last night.

I changed my password to β€œincorrect”. So whenever I forget what it is the computer will say β€œYour password is incorrect”.

A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.

It’s ok computer, I go to sleep after 20 minutes of inactivity too.

Entered what I ate today into my new fitness app and it just sent an ambulance to my house.

A clean house is the sign of a broken computer.

Wifi went down during family dinner tonight. One kid started talking and I didn’t know who he was.

I would like to thank everybody that stuck by my side for those five long minutes my house didn’t have internet.

A TV can insult your intelligence, but nothing rubs it in like a computer.

Are you a computer whiz? it seems you know how to turn my software to hardwar

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Punsville
πŸ“…︎ May 12 2017
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My mom channeled her inner dad for a harsh burn

I hope momjokes are welcome

When I was a teenager my aunt and her husband had to have their house fumigated and needed a place to stay for a weekend. My parents offered them my room and arranged a sleepover for me at my nephew's. As I was leaving the house I cheekily turn back and say to them : don't do anything in there I wouldn't do!

To which my mom promptly replied : honey, they're not going to clean your room

πŸ‘︎ 13
πŸ‘€︎ u/shizzlebob
πŸ“…︎ Jun 01 2017
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So I dadjoked my mom the other day

My mother was complaining about how she has to do so much cooking, cleaning, and other house chores. My dad was trying to calm her down when she blurts out "What do I look like? Cinderella?" I saw the opening and pounced on it. "Well if the shoe fits" I said. The glorious feeling as she groaned at how bad it was while my dad laughed was so satisfying. My future children will stand no chance.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/kingpin504
πŸ“…︎ Apr 24 2014
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Urban livestock

Background: house in the suburbs. Cleaning before putting up Christmas decorations. Mom had a wicker box out for something.

Dad: And that just leaves the wicker pannier. We need a second one of these so the burro doesn't tip over... you know, they've got those in New York now.

Mom, only half listening: Panniers and donkeys?

Dad: Burros. Five of 'em.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Anoria
πŸ“…︎ Dec 10 2017
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My wife hates a dirty house.

So I laid on the floor in the kitchen after deep cleaning the entire house and yelled


Mind you, she's already mid rant about having to clean anything else at this point...and her walking in to see only me laying there almost got me divorced.

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ‘€︎ u/wooolgod
πŸ“…︎ Jan 29 2016
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I am so proud of myself.

We have a dog.

He does his business in a pen.

This pen needs to be cleaned out often because this dog is slightly touched in the head and has a habit of stepping in his own feces.

On the regular.

So... it's been getting dark out before I get home and I haven't had a chance to stay on top of the task.

Last night I grab a very small flashlight and go out to the pen to do a quick poop pickup.

2 minutes later I came back in the house, slammed the flashlight on the table and proclaimed to the rest of my family "I CAN'T SEE SHIT WITH THIS LIGHT"

dadjokes are all the better when you are the only one laughing.

πŸ‘︎ 24
πŸ‘€︎ u/uncle_solf
πŸ“…︎ Nov 21 2013
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Someone broke into my house over the weekend...

...But don't worry, they didn't steal anything. They just cleaned the whole house. The police are calling it organized crime.

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ‘€︎ u/GGGargadon
πŸ“…︎ Oct 05 2015
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Little brother always says this...

Whenever someone in my household asks how we're supposed to do something (carrying multiple things at once, beat a boss in a video game, clean the house before mom gets home) he always replies before anyone says anything, "very carefully."

πŸ‘︎ 11
πŸ‘€︎ u/FinalxForm
πŸ“…︎ Aug 14 2014
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At my brother's home addition

My brother was remodeling his house and a new bedroom was almost completed except for cleanup of sawdust, caulking, and other random construction leftover bits.

I grabbed a shop vac hose and began cleaning, making sure to point out that it made a pretty good caulk-sucker.

πŸ‘︎ 26
πŸ‘€︎ u/Bocephis
πŸ“…︎ Jul 09 2015
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So my Dad, my friend and I were "discussing" my facial hair....

My dad always joked with me wanting me to shave my face, and of course once one of my friends comes to visit my house he gets them on his side. I then said to my clean-shaven dad "you're just jealous because you have nothing on your face".

To which he replied "I've had many things on my face". I was literally speechless, whilst doing a silent type of laughing as my friend had a very awkward expression on his face.

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ‘€︎ u/wtcchhh
πŸ“…︎ Sep 04 2013
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The Summer Food Fight

I was in my young punk phase, couldn't have been more than 13, and I was at a friend's house for a pool day. Being the little shit that I was, I started a fight with my buddy just to start one. The fight escalated to the point where we were throwing oranges at each other from the yard. The fruit trees were very special to my friend's Dad, and I knew this. The fight got out of hand and the oranges were everywhere. This was bad. I ended up running away.

Of course I got in trouble and the next day I had to return to clean up. I was terrified. I mean, my friend's Dad was always a nice guy, but I'd never seen him this pissed... We destroyed his prized trees! I had no idea what I was walking into. I went up to the door, rang the bell and braced myself for the worst. My friend's Dad opened the door with a smirk on his face and said: "Orange you glad to be here?"

Somehow I knew the joke gave him greater satisfaction than having his oranges back. From that day forward I respected the shit out of that backyard.

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ‘€︎ u/t3rces
πŸ“…︎ Aug 06 2014
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Old School Dads Tell Jokes Too

So I Have never been close to my dad because he is old school. You know, republican, really catholic, really fit, clean hair cut, big sports fan, etc. He can be funny but really only shows his fun side with the little kids in the family or his brothers.

Well my little sister is incharge or answering the house phone and when she was younger this happened a lot:

Sister: hello?(pause) hangs up phone Dad: who was it? Sister: nobody Dad: oh, i told him to stop calling. Well what did Nobody want? Sister: What ? Dad: you said Nobody called, i asked what he wanted. Sister: Nooooo, nobody called Dad: i know he called, what did he want

This would go on for a while

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ“…︎ Jun 14 2014
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Dadjoked my mom just now

We're cleaning house today, and she was saying we needed to pick up the pace to get it all done today.

I immediately opened the fridge and handed her our jug of Pace salsa.

She told me to get back to work.


πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ‘€︎ u/Ichthus95
πŸ“…︎ Apr 18 2014
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Toilet humour from dad

I stopped by my parents house for dinner the other night. I brought up the topic of the dreadful condition of the bathroom at work.

Me (paraphrasing): I can barely stand the smell in there, I don't think the toilet has been cleaned for weeks.

Dad: Yea that toilet has seen some shit.

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ‘€︎ u/Chels_meems
πŸ“…︎ Dec 06 2013
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