This one is oldie but goodie.
When I was a child I asked my father 'why are there so many jokes about Chuck Norris but none about Clint Eastwood?' He leant forward look me straight in the eyes and said 'because Clint Eastwood is no joke'.
If a wood chuck could Chuck Norris
They commented: "He was bad at hiding, but he was great with his nun chucks"
I applaud the effort, but given how little space the trucks have in the first place, it seems like there's really not much room for waste to begin with. So, I've gotta ask...
How much food would a good truck chuck if a food truck could chuck food?
When Chuck Norris attends a feminist rally he comes back with his shirt ironed. :)
...are they nun chucks?
This happened today.
I'm at park/playground with my kid. He's playing, I'm throwing a ball for my dog.
Three little girls, maybe around 10 years old, run up. "Can we pet your dog?"
Me, "Sure, would you like to throw the ball for her?"
One of the girls takes the thrower and chucks the ball. It goes a long way.
Me: "Wow, great throw!"
Girl: "I've got my dad's arms."
Me (already laughing on the inside): "Really? What does he use?"
They stare at me.
Sigh.
Any luck?
Plenty just all bad
Well it’s nun of your chucking business.
The farmer sits on his porch with his shotgun across his lap.
The first boy arrives and says, "Evening sir, my name is Freddy, I'm here for Betty, we're gonna eat spaghetti, is she ready?"
The farmer looks the boy over, and says "sure sure, go on in"
The second boy arrives, and says, "Howdy sir, my name is Joe, I'm here for Flo, we're gonna see the show, is she ready to go?"
The farmer looks down at his shotgun, then back at Joe, and says "sure sure, go on in, she's ready"
The third boy arrives, and says, "Good evening sir, my name is Chuck..." KER-BLAM!
I heard the culprit was another nun.
It must have been a nunja practicing with nun-chucks.
You are no match for my Nun-chucks
Ground beef
What do you call a cow with 2 legs?
Lean beef
What do you call a guy with no legs?
Ground Chuck
What do you call an overweight person with no legs?
Ground round
Oh MOOgosh. This might just sound like a load of Bull, but please STEER me out.
Deja Moo (Sung to the tune of Fresh Prince of Bel-air)
Now these are puns all about COWS
Their milk gets flipped, churned all around.
And I’d like to take a minute but I won’t stop and prattle
And tell you this story you haven’t HERD about cattle.
In IstanBULL I was born and BRAISED.
In the pastures back then in my HAYDAYS.
Chewing cud, RUMPING round, and making a fuss.
TANNING out so UDDERLY ridiculous.
When a couple of HEIFERS who had BEEF with me
Started BULLying on my Brand , you see.
I got TIPPED over once and my mom got scared
She said you're MOOvin your behind, your butt, your DAIRY Air.
I whistled for a calf and when it came near
Thought she was a babe, but HE was a STEER!
If anything I can say this STEAK is rare
But that Bovine was BO-FINE so I didn’t care!
I got milked a few times, maybe 7 or 8
More like long-gonehorn, than reliable date.
So I CHUCKED out the udder half of the pasture,
Bevo ain’t a cow, don’t got what I’m after.
Fun fact: a Dairy Cow can produce 125lbs of saliva a day.
A nun-chuck.
Im helping clean out an old garage that's been filled with random storage for a couple decades. For the last 10ish years it's had a mouse problem.
A couple weeks ago I set out traps and none of us have had time to be there since. Came back today and three of the four had caught mice. Pretty happy with that.
I chucked out the carcasses and when I went to reset the traps I got a bit of a surprise and my comment drew my friend over.
"What's up?" he asks.
"Look at this," I reply, showing him the traps. "After the first three mice got caught another one came along, opened the lid, and ate the rest of the peanut butter. And then look at this! He stuck his nose into the fourth and are just enough of it not to trigger the trap!" Holding up the trap and showing the teeth marks in the peanut butter.
"That's...disturbing," he replies, "why'd you bait it with peanut butter though? Wouldn't fruit be better?"
"Well, I looked it up online, * and three out of four mice say it's to die for."
———
Until the * I genuinely intended to say why. But it was too good to pass up.
Also, anyone have a cat I can borrow?
Driving along, my six-year-old was reading from a "Weird But True" NatGeo book. We were all told that male woodchucks are called "he-chucks," and females are "she-chucks." I told her that the really religious ones must be "nun-chucks."
I walk into the room, and my dad almost calls me by my older brother's name (we look a lot alike).
Dad: Oh hey Ry... uh.. Chuck, Henry, Fred. What do we call you again?
Me: Thanks dad..
Dad: I like Fred, I'll call you Fred. He chuckles and says: Go help bring in groceries.
Me: .....
nun-chucks
"You're excused."
I started using it myself and you get a mix of reactions. Usually a short chuckle. So short I'd probably call it a chuck.
Chuck Fullmer, 38, yesterday became the first American to get to grips with the concept of sarcasm.
"It was weird" Fullmer said. "I was in London and like, talking to this guy and it was raining and he pulled a face and said, "Great weather eh?" and I thought - "Wait a minute, no way is it great weather".
Fullmer then realised that the other man's 'mistake' was in fact deliberate.
Fullmer, who is 39 next month and married with two children, aged 8 and 3, plans to use sarcasm himself in future. "I'm, like, using it all the time" he said. "Last weekend I was grilling steaks and I burned them and I said "Hey, great weather."
My family was sitting around the table eating lunch and talking about how it's almost impossible to have true vacation time anymore. My grandma chucks in, "Your time is valuable." My dad immediately replies:
"Thyme is actually pretty inexpensive. Saffron, on the other hand, is quite valuable."
I love my dad.
Brother: And that's the chuck, right?
Dad: Well yes, but I'm not that familiar with it, so I call it the Charles.
So there is this one engineer at work who always makes the kind of jokes that make you kind of groan afterwards. For instance, a little bit ago, I was trying to get into a set of drawers where we keep supplies and I say, "Excuse me, can I get in there real quick?" And he says, "But.... I don't think you'll fit!" Ba-dum-chuck! Today, I heard him come up to the receptionist to ask where a coworker went. She says, "I think he went through that door," and he's like, "Oh man! I hope he OPENED it first!"
Me: I would hope so...otherwise you'd still need diapers!
Wife chucked, 5-year-old groaned.
At 7:30am
ME - Hey Boss, let me run something by you real quick...
Boss - Chuck, can you just walk it by me? Its still early...
Dad and I walk into minor hockey league stadium. He sees the Chuck-A-Puck booth, stops me and say "if we move up to the big leagues they'll change the name to Charles-A-Puck".
My brain couldn't decide if I should laugh or just roll my eyes so I did neither and just stared blankly. It did not phase him.
He and my brother were driving back home from a vacation and stayed in a hotel last night. He said he was tired because they stayed up late doing things that “weren't appropriate" (he was joking obviously). I asked what and more brother said they were just watching pawn stars. Then my dad said “Yep, we watched a lot of 'pawn' last night." He then continued to chucked to himself.
I asked my dad if our hotel had any blankets. He came into the room, chucked one at me and said, "Here's a throw!"
Your country needs Lerts.
(cue my Dad's uproarious chucking)
Please give me puns I can quickly shout while walking through the hallway and chucking candy after screaming the pun. Preferably candy you would get on Halloween. Thank you for helping me out.
You are Musketeers of my heart.
.............
i hate myself
My marketing class is doing a fundraiser for the girls basketball team and it involves chucking rubber ducks.
The event is called chuck a duck and I need as many punny ideas to photoshop into posters as possible.
Also historic events that replace people with rubber ducks helps too.
