But my wife says I'm just beating a dead horse.
But now I have conkered it!!
But after years of therapy, I've managed to conker it.
Daughter's 10 birthday party. Her friends are talking about eating snails...
Me: "Hey, do you think that snails want to buy cars with a big "S" on the side?"
7 little girls: "Why would they do that?"
Me: "so when they drive past, people say 'look at at that S-car go!'"
I watched 14 eyes roll simultaneously and loved every minute of it!
"Time flies like an arrow, fruit flies like a banana."
"Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog it's too dark to read."
but pleased to say I've recently managed to conker it.
"Oh no! Chet's nuts! Poor Chet"
Chestnut? I'm more of a leg man, myself.
Whenever anyone mentions a tapas bar, my dad acts all offended and asks them why they are discussing topless bars
"Chestnuts roasting on an open Fourier"
Cashews are bankers.
Peanuts are urologists.
And Chestnuts are plastic surgeons.
The shop owner directs him to a 1,500$ parrot who can sing Christmas carols. The man doesnt believe the store owner and asks him for proof before dropping the 1,500. The store owner locks the doors and escorts the man to the back of the store and tells him “This is a very special parrot, before he sings you must warm him up by holding a lit match 12 inches beneath.” He then takes out a match, lights it and holds it a rulers length beneath the parrot. After a few moments the parrot starts sining “jingle bells” in the tone of Frank Sinatra. Thinking this might be some cheap parlor trick he asks for several more demonstrations.. “Rudolph” “Frosty the Snowman” “Drummer Boy” even “I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus” in the best impersonations he’s ever heard! The man gladly hands over the cash and rushes home to amaze his wife. He holds the match a rulers length and nothing. The wife laughingly says he got ripped off. “ No no honey this works watch” he does it again only holding it half a rulers length this time and still nothing! The wife, laughing hysterically, starts going back upstairs. “NO honey it really works watch!” “Im going to bed, Merry Christmas” says the wife as she turns to head up the stairs. “WAIT Honey, one more time, please!” He pulls out another match, this time holding it three inches under the parrot who then squawks out “CHESTNUTS ROASTING ON AN OPEN FIRE”
http://imgur.com/uw6in88
What do you have when you've got two nuts on your chest?
Chestnuts
What do you have when you've got two nuts on the wall?
Walnuts
What do you have when you've got two nuts on your chin?
.
.
.
.
A dick in your mouth.
Groans and facepalms were had.
EDIT: Formatting
I was driving in the car with my daughter when The Christmas Song by Nat King Cole comes on the radio
"Daddy, how do they roast chestnuts?"
"On an open fire, duh"
Cue eye roll and a 9 year old googling the answer
Every year on Christmas we'll have Nat King Cole playing through the house and eventually "The Christmas Song" comes on. Without fail, Dad belts...
"Chestnuts roasting on an open fire. Jack Frost nosing at your nips."
Every year.
Mike Rowe on meeting Robin Williams the first time:
The first was in 2006 - June or maybe July. I walked into The Roastery down on Chestnut, ordered a coffee, and sat down to read the paper. I soon discovered I was in one of those chairs with one leg shorter than the rest, and resolved to remedy the problem by jamming a folded-up coaster under the offending limb. I bent down, got the thing positioned properly, and managed to smack my head on the edge of the table on the way back up. Hard. The impact was noisy, and sent coffee slushing all over The Chronicle, which in turn lead to an “Ahh...shit!,” a little louder than I intended. A second later, a voice said, “No, I believe that’s coffee. Shit’s the stuff I see you crawling through every time I turn on the TV.”
